Tips for Evil Cult Members

Jester Image

Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur.

Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-specs work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity.

Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public.

Flash cards are often helpful.

Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the other women who have undergone the procedure.

Never invoke anything bigger than your head.

Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.

Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight -- it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms. Its jingling also tends to warn the hero of your approach.

Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough.

Pastel colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.

If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering financial advice, you're dealing with a con artist, and not a genuine medium.

Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, and cab fare.

Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures.

When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged Demons always go for the pompous.

When a religious artifact begins emitting light, close your eyes. Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed this simple safety tip.

When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.

During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered "bad form."

Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When The ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between The gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B complex, and a good hot bath.

Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature, can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god/goddess, and the deal made In exchange for the soul. However, it is also true that gods tend to side With the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.

For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not available, The lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen Chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam is unacceptable.

Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal and innocent (and tend to turn out to be the Hero's girlfriend), see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, and other people who won't be missed.

Important: If this page annoys and upsets you, please carefully read this page before complaining to the webmaster.


Please donate now to pay our monthly server fees:
Donate to The Cauldron
[More Info]

Special Offer

Power Numerology
Are Numbers Ruling Your Life? Discover The Shocking Truth.

Pagan Custom Web Search

Enter Search Term:


The sites included in this Google custom search have been selected by members of The Cauldron: A Pagan Forum to help you find higher quality Pagan and religious information on the web.

Pagan-Friendly Webhosting

Dreamhost offers high-quality, low cost web hosting with a dedication to free speech.

Dreamhost Features · unlimited web space
· 50 gigs personal file space
· unlimited bandwidth
· unlimited email boxes (POP3/IMAP)
· unlimited ftp/shell accounts
· unlimited domains/subdomains
· php5, cgi, python, fastcgi, ssi
· zend optimizer, ruby on rails
· unlimited MySQL 5 databases
· announcement lists
· discussion (aka mailing) lists
· Jabber server, Custom DNS
· Crontab and Shell access
· Web-based Control Panel
· One-Click installs of the Wordpress blog & others
· 1 free domain name
· helpful tech support
· 100% Uptime Guarantee
· and much more!

All for $10.95 a month with a $49.95 setup fee (pay for a year in advance for $9.95 a month and there is no setup fee). Pay two years in advance and the price drops to $8.95 a month. (And there is a 97 day money back guarantee!)

Click here to read why we've hosted with Dreamhost.
Message Board
Recent Threads
Click on a thread name to read it.

· Black Bible Spellbook (IT'S DESIGN IMBUES IT WITH SYNCHRONICITY CONTROL FOR IT'S OWNE
· Raine Ashford author of Black Bible from Kelowna, BC
· General/Non-Specific: Need Help to Fix a Round of Bad Luck
· Building a temple in my garden
· Stonehenge with mobility issues
· Questions About Hellenic Polytheism
· A Few Questions
· Other Pagan: Drawn to the "Path" but struggling with some shame. Thoughts? Shared experiences?
· Atlanta, GA area USA
· What Does it mean my Candle went OUT
· Celtic Festivals
· Onikuma
· Stray Encounter
· Organ replacement
· Building a relationship & connection with the Gods.

Book Reviews
Click on the book cover to read our review of this book. We welcome your comments on this book in our message board.
True Magick
True Magick


Sister Forums