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Ceremonial Magick Made EZ
000. Let us not forget that the Great work is for naught unless we remember to begin counting from Ain Soph Aur, rather than "1", as is the fashion of the unenlightened.
00. The Knowledge and Coversation of the Holy Guardian Angel is not so great a feat, once you learn his phone number. Our chief obstacle then, is obstinate answering services, but that is not the purpose of this document.
0. Instead, we shall deal with the aspirant who has found high magick to be just too damned complicated, and seeks a path to enlightenment which requires little or no effort beyond buying a really cool robe. Thus, we present a nice little ritual that even the laziest magus can be performing in no time: the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Line Segment, not to be confused with any other Lesser Banishing Rituals which might be floating about.
1. Facing the east, touch the bridge of nose, intoning the holy word SPECTACLES.
2. Touch pelvic region, vibrating the word TESTICLES.
3. Touch right side of chest, in region of shirt pocket, intoning WALLET.
4. Touch left side of chest, intoning WATCH.
5. Thrusting both arms enthusiastically into the air, proclaim loudly "And that's the fact, Jack!" (you will know you have performed this step correctly when the neighbors bang on the ceiling in annoyed rebellion against your incanting.)
6. Using the appropriate magickal weapon, trace a glowing blue line segment in the east, vibrating the mystic name FEE.
7. Turn to the south, tracing a similar line segment, vibrating the mystic name FI.
8. Turn to the west, vibrating the mystic name FO.
9. Turn to the north, vibrating the mystic name FUM.
10. Facing east, invoke the guardians of the watchtowers:
Before me GROUCHO
11. Repeat 1-5, above.
The first four steps, known as the Antiballistic Qros, are a technique whereby the aspirant centers himself within the four elements. Upon pronouncing the word SPECTACLES, the aspirant should visualize a pair of glasses resting upon his face; the mystic spectacles of truth, belonging to the element of air. It further must be recognized that the word SPECTACLES ennumerates to 657, which is the number of one of the Angels of the 3rd of December (Scorpio). The limitless profundities in this correspondence should busy the aspirant for the better part of a weekend. In any case, the other three points of the Antiballistic Qros refer to the other three elements: the TESTICLES correspond to the vigourous fertility drive linked to fire, the WALLET corresponds to the Tarot suit of Coins and the element of earth, and the WATCH, corresponding to the element of water, symbolizes the fluid nature of time. The mystic names FEE, FI, FO, and FUM are next to be intoned, while tracing the four line segments in the elemental quarters. A note about the tracing: it is important that the line segment be drawn from the top down when performing this ritual as a means of banishing; if one starts at the bottom of the figure and traces upward, that is an invoking line segment, which is another thing alltogether. Also, one should never draw the line segment sideways, for this is a symbol of great evil. Parents, keep in mind that if your teenager demonstrates an affinity for horizontal lines, he or she is undoubtedly dabbling in the black arts. The names used in the invocation in step ten may be changed by any ultra-patriotic Americans who find the whole thing a bit, er, Marxist. It is not uncommon to invoke instead the holy names JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, and RINGO, although some find this practice to reek of another branch of communism.
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