The SPAM Operation


Dedicated to LyricFox
By Everfool
Jester Image

[Note from the Webmaster: LyricFox started the tradition of posting a Spam (the canned meat product type) recipe to replace deleted Spam messages posted on our message board. This causes varying reactions from our members. This is one of those reactions.]

The following ritual is capable of at least two functions. A creative imagination may suggest further uses. Primarily it is an attack spell, although a certain level of skill may allow it to be used as a protection.

First, begin by conducting banishing rituals extremely thoroughly. After all, you don't want the spirit of Spam to get a hold over your mind do you?

Once you've got that over with, you may proceed with the following ritual. Try to avoid laughing, and it is preferable that you conduct the entire ritual with stony faced seriousness.

Adopt a pose that suggests quiet detachment. Sitting cross legged may suffice, or standing upright while gazing blankly at the wall.

Intone:

"In the darkness lurks such a thing,
Horrible and nameless, unceasingly cruel,
We the unknowing call it SPAM"

Thrust out your hand, fingers splayed, as if to ward off an oncoming threat.

Intone:

"SPAM, vile demon, thou art not welcome here!
I am not thy rightful victim,
And I delete everything I get from you anyway!"

If you have cast a circle, now walk the circumference. If you have not, perform some other activity that is suggestive of inspecting your defenses.

Intone:

"SPAM, the untamable beast,
Ever hungry, ever futile!
It hungers for a victim tonight,
Tonight I shall ride the tiger"

Imagine that you are a priest of a God, offering up the choice sacrifice. You should also try to imagine coming before a large monstrosity, and that you have attracted its amusement and interest.

Intone:

"SPAM is the demon, SPAM is a God,
SPAM is a deity, LyricFox is its priestess! The beast is awake, SPAM roars from the darkness
[at this stage the performer of the ritual may choose to let out a large roar him/herself, identifying him/herself with the force that s/he seeks to control. If you have people helping with this ritual (what are you THINKING?) you could get them to bellow at this stage]
Let the victim be chosen!'

At this stage visualize the person you want to afflict with spam. Imagine the beast pouncing upon their email account or favorite forum, and filling it with the most useless SPAM imaginable.

'Let (name the person. You may substitute their username or email address at this point) be afflicted by the Undying Curse of Spam!'

If there are others helping with the ritual, they may now shout 'SPAM! SPAM! SPAM!!!!'

At this stage in the operation, it is no longer required that you maintain a serious demeanor. Allow the laughter, that may have been struggling to rise, to release itself. (Banishing with laughter is a Chaote technique, and a good way to avoid getting to caught up in the psychological effects of a spell)

If you wish to use this rite as a protection from SPAM (good luck!), omit references to specific victims. Simply declare yourself an ally of SPAM, and therefore not an object of its attacks. If you can make that work, let me know.

Important: If this page annoys and upsets you, please carefully read this page before complaining to the webmaster.


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