Pagans to Join Faith-based Initiative
Bush Administration Announces 'Project Bandwagon'
In a surprise rebuttal to critics who have claimed that only Christian groups have gained from Bush's controversial faith based policies, the government has published a new list of the groups currently engaged in faith programs. Although no new answers have been given to assuage the fears of those who say that the line between Church and State is becoming blurred, the homes of several critics have been visited in the dead of night by the FBI. This move has been applauded by John Ashcroft, who apparently laughed for ten minutes straight before he was able to address Congress.
"We are please to announce," said Bush in his official statement, "that in the spirit of our multicultural society, we are able to share our Constitutionally insane plans with people of all faiths. Except those wacky atheists of course, who we will have shot just as soon as we are able to justify it in the War on Terror."
Bush sipped some 'water' while the assembled reporters of the American Press attempted not to experience sudden orgasms of delight.
"We are releasing pamphlets to detail our wide ranging and aneurysm inducing lunatic plans. As you will be able to see, we have left no section of society untainted. Sorry, I meant untouched. Has someone been tampering with my auto-cue?"
Bold moves include:
Crime and Punishment
- A Pagan group known as 'Asatru' have won a contract to dramatically reduce the expenses of execution in capital crimes. Key members won the bidding by promising to perform the services for just 'the cost of some rope and a pointy stick.'
- British Traditional Witches and 'fluff bunny morons' have teamed up to give inspiring talks at several prisons. 'We are confident,' said one member of the Wiccan community, 'that once the inmates have heard us debate the Wiccan Rede, they will never wish to risk being sent to prison again.' Readings from the Silver Ravenwolf series were proposed, but dismissed under the terms of 'cruel and unusual punishment.'
- The Judiciary system is to be replaced by Tarot card readers. John Ashcroft has publicly said that he is 'happy with the chances of miscarriages of justice.'
- In an attempt to reduce the populations of prisons, Pagan priests are to ask the gods for judgement. A Hellenic priest has offered the public the following advice: 'Don't be in the same city as an offender.'
- Neo-Wiccans are to be given equal placing with Fundamentalist Christians in having the opportunity to teach children bizarre theories. Experts are confident that rational science will be erased within three generations.
- In an attempt to stem the tide of infertility, Greek recons are advocating a program known as F.E.T.M. inspired by the Gods themselves. Insiders suggest that the last three letters may stand for 'Everything That Moves.'
- To improve school grade averages, human sacrifice will be instituted at failing schools. One Pagan said 'not only can we plead for the intercession of the Gods of wisdom, but we will also be losing some dead wood along the way.'
- Groups of Discordians are offering alternative courses at most universities, including the Bob Hope university. 'We promise that we will increase the conservatism of the new generation. Honest. Fnord.'
- A turned down plan was to sponsor a group of trained killers to remove targets that were decreasing the quality of American education. However, this plan was felt to be against the spirit of Faith Based Initiatives.
- The previously unheard of 'Church of Soylent Green' has promised that they have an 'innovative plan for reducing the numbers of homeless on the streets.'
- The Bush Administration has revealed a new Wiccan-themed tax rebate on charity. For every dollar you donate to charity, you will receive three back at some point during your life, or your next life if you die too soon. The Bush administration has revealed that everyone will be reincarnated as donators to the Republican party in the next election.
- Witches are to be gathered up and forced to cast spells to make everyone healthy enough to work. The money saved by firing doctors will be spent on tax cuts. President Bush is said to be confident that 'nothing could possibly go wrong.'
Public Sanity Program
It has been recognised that some deviants will not wish to live in a society using the above programs. In a spirit of good will, the saner members of the United States will be allowed to swim to safety (we recommend Canada, even if it is dangerously near). Please leave your valuables with Mr Bush before you leave.
Note from the Webmaster: The above piece is satire. If you feel like writing a nasty email to the webmaster about how offensive this is to the Pagan groups mentioned, please look up the word "satire" first. Thank you.
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