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Author Topic: My latest writing exercise - Comments are welcome  (Read 5352 times)
Vella Malachite
Master Member
Last Login:July 31, 2011, 03:27:04 am
Australia Australia

Religion: Irish Celtic Reconstructionist
Posts: 368

Never underestimate carefully worded nonsense.

Blog entries (3)

« Reply #4: February 02, 2010, 05:22:58 am »

Well, I didn't mind the starting bit - sure it took a bit of time, but I assume this is meant to be novel length?  In which case, you're allowed to devote a bit more time to waffle.  Not too much, but a bit.  More than a short story, anyway.

The problem I had with it was that you've missed one of the main tenets of writing: "Show, don't tell."  You've spent too much time describing things, and telling us exactly what the characters are doing.  We're smart enough to figure it out on our own, so tell us what they do instead.

I think the characters are well-thought-out, and they're believable, which is better.  They are human and they have flaws.  Just perhaps a bit more vigour in describing them may be in order - again, show, don't tell - show me what Helen is like, don't have Danni describe her.  If it's a long story, there's plenty of time for us to get to know people.

From what has happened of the plot so far, I think it's got a good premise, too.  It's looking like it'll be exciting.

One final comment - the sentences are a little clumsy.  I don't know how to describe it, but some of the expression is a bit...forced or jarring somehow.  I don't know how to fix that, though, I'm sorry.  I find the way I write hard to explain, so I find it hard to teach other people how, as well.  One piece of advice I've been given is to read it out loud, and if it sounds strange, try other ways of wording it.

Hope that helps, and good luck with the rest of it Smiley

Minds are like parachutes: Just because you've lost yours, doesn't mean you can borrow mine.

What men are poets who can speak of Jupiter as if he is a man, but when he is a spinning ball of ammonia and methane must be silent?

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