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Author Topic: Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic  (Read 88238 times)
Nehet
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« Topic Start: June 03, 2010, 09:51:48 pm »

I thought of a potentially fun game.

So many of us are so nice about answering questions for the newbies.  We give the best advice we possibly can.  This is a thread for bad advice to common Pagan questions. 

Please provide the worst advice you can think of.

(Newbies:  do not read this thread except for examples of what not to do).

Question:  "I think I've been thwapped.  What should I do?"
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Ellen M.
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« Reply #1: June 03, 2010, 09:54:15 pm »

I thought of a potentially fun game.

So many of us are so nice about answering questions for the newbies.  We give the best advice we possibly can.  This is a thread for bad advice to common Pagan questions. 

Please provide the worst advice you can think of.

(Newbies:  do not read this thread except for examples of what not to do).

Question:  "I think I've been thwapped.  What should I do?"

Answer: That's easy. Thwap right back. The harder you hit, the more you show your prospective patron that you like them. Thwapping matches, possibly culminating in a thunderstorm, mean that your deity likes you. For fertility deities, consider responding not in a thwap, but an ass grab or a boob handshake.

Question: How should I handle my intolerant parents?
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« Reply #2: June 03, 2010, 10:12:14 pm »

Question: How should I handle my intolerant parents?

Answer:  Lie and tell them you work with angels.  Remember: Angels, angels everywhere and Mom and Dad won't care.  </blatant $RW rip-off>

Question: My patron wants me to sacrifice my neighbor's cat but I think that's illegal.  What should I do?
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« Reply #3: June 03, 2010, 10:29:22 pm »

Question: My patron wants me to sacrifice my neighbor's cat but I think that's illegal.  What should I do?
Answer: Your patron wants you to do something abhorrent as a sign of devotion and loyalty. Why do something mildly shocking as sacrificing the neighbor's cat? Go all out, and snatch some panties off a clothes line, sew them together to make a toga, smear your own filth on it (the bloodier the better), and streak your high school graduation ceremony!

Because, really... the cat sacrifice thing is soooo overdone.

Question: My patron doesn't want me to eat chicken on Tuesdays, should I abide by this?
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Ellen M.
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« Reply #4: June 03, 2010, 10:30:49 pm »

Answer: Your patron wants you to do something abhorrent as a sign of devotion and loyalty. Why do something mildly shocking as sacrificing the neighbor's cat? Go all out, and snatch some panties off a clothes line, sew them together to make a toga, smear your own filth on it (the bloodier the better), and streak your high school graduation ceremony!

Because, really... the cat sacrifice thing is soooo overdone.

Question: My patron doesn't want me to eat chicken on Tuesdays, should I abide by this?

Answer: Eat a hot dog on a Friday, and we'll consider it a done deal.

Question: I feel, from the wellspring of my soul, that my magickal name is Lady Silver Foxmoon Whisper-Speckles of the Faelords. How do I get everyone to refer to me by this title?
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Melamphoros
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« Reply #5: June 03, 2010, 10:35:10 pm »

Answer: Eat a hot dog on a Friday, and we'll consider it a done deal.

Question: I feel, from the wellspring of my soul, that my magickal name is Lady Silver Foxmoon Whisper-Speckles of the Faelords. How do I get everyone to refer to me by this title?

Answer: No one will call you this because they are out to oppress you.  Try burning them before they burn you.

Question: I accidently stabbed my boyfriend with my athame and he doesn't appear to be breathing.  Can I use any of his body parts for magic if he is no longer using them?
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Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you will make a great sandwich.
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CrinklyBlue
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« Reply #6: June 03, 2010, 10:37:24 pm »

Can I use any of his body parts for magic if he is no longer using them?

OMG... I can't answer this right away... I have to clean the screen first.... I should have learned by now... NOT to be drinking any beverage when perusing "Humor and Quizzes"...
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Ellen M.
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Last Login:February 17, 2013, 08:34:24 pm
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Ellen MacInnis lellenator
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« Reply #7: June 03, 2010, 10:38:05 pm »

Answer: No one will call you this because they are out to oppress you.  Try burning them before they burn you.

Question: I accidently stabbed my boyfriend with my athame and he doesn't appear to be breathing.  Can I use any of his body parts for magic if he is no longer using them?

Answer: Hey, worked for Isis. Just remember to use protection.

Question: Does being a womyn make me have secret magickal moon powers the Goddess only reveals to her chosen ones?
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Sage and Starshine: My new Pagan blog about Druidry, witchcraft, Brighid, and everything in between. -- 14th post 6/1/11
Ellen M.
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Last Login:February 17, 2013, 08:34:24 pm
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Posts: 2479

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Ellen MacInnis lellenator
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« Reply #8: June 03, 2010, 10:38:28 pm »

OMG... I can't answer this right away... I have to clean the screen first.... I should have learned by now... NOT to be drinking any beverage when perusing "Humor and Quizzes"...

Read at your own risk! We're a wild bunch at TC!
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Nehet
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« Reply #9: June 03, 2010, 10:42:17 pm »

Answer: Hey, worked for Isis. Just remember to use protection.

LFMAO! 

Question: Does being a womyn make me have secret magickal moon powers the Goddess only reveals to her chosen ones?
 
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Melamphoros
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« Reply #10: June 03, 2010, 10:43:09 pm »

Answer: Hey, worked for Isis. Just remember to use protection.

Question: Does being a womyn make me have secret magickal moon powers the Goddess only reveals to her chosen ones?

Answer: Yes, but only to those who systematically purge their communities of anything with an evil doom penis.

Question: Why is it when I try to invoke The Goddess I suddenly get cravings for human blood?

(and believe it or not, my last response sounded much more innocent in my head Cheesy)
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Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you will make a great sandwich.
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Nehet
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Last Login:November 02, 2011, 12:07:16 am
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Religion: Kemetic Polytheist
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Posts: 1479

Gravatar

Now 20% Cooler

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burning_tree
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« Reply #11: June 03, 2010, 10:45:32 pm »

Question: Does being a womyn make me have secret magickal moon powers the Goddess only reveals to her chosen ones?

Yes, and it all has to do with menstrual blood!  Make sure your tampons are ritually pure before putting them in your sacred ladyparts.  Leave them outside for one moon cycle. This is very important to prevent the demons from giving you astral herpes.  

How do I astrally project?
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Ellen M.
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Last Login:February 17, 2013, 08:34:24 pm
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Posts: 2479

Go, then - there are other worlds than these.

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Ellen MacInnis lellenator
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« Reply #12: June 03, 2010, 10:46:00 pm »

Answer: Yes, but only to those who systematically purge their communities of anything with an evil doom penis.

Question: Why is it when I try to invoke The Goddess I suddenly get cravings for human blood?

(and believe it or not, my last response sounded much more innocent in my head Cheesy)

....I don't think I'm capable of giving an answer to that. Not one that's not rated far above PG-13.

Gotta watch out for evil doom penises. That's how cities get destroyed.
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Ellen M.
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Last Login:February 17, 2013, 08:34:24 pm
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Ellen MacInnis lellenator
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« Reply #13: June 03, 2010, 10:46:38 pm »

Yes, and it all has to do with menstrual blood!  Make sure your tampons are ritually pure before putting them in your sacred ladyparts.  Leave them outside for one moon cycle. This is very important to prevent the demons from giving you astral herpes.  

Further Question: HERPES IN /WHAT/?
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Sage and Starshine: My new Pagan blog about Druidry, witchcraft, Brighid, and everything in between. -- 14th post 6/1/11
Nehet
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burning_tree
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« Reply #14: June 03, 2010, 10:48:16 pm »

Please provide the worst advice you can think of.

*wipes of her own screen*

It might be too late to establish "rules" to my little game, but I think it's OK to have more than one response to the same question.   Tongue
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