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Author Topic: Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic  (Read 88210 times)
Melamphoros
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« Reply #15: June 03, 2010, 10:51:04 pm »

How do I astrally project?

Answer: Take a large dose of sleeping pills and you are guarenteed to have an out of body experiance.

Question: I have come to the realization that I'm a fearie.  How can I unlock my powers?
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Nehet
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burning_tree
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« Reply #16: June 03, 2010, 10:53:36 pm »

Question: Why is it when I try to invoke The Goddess I suddenly get cravings for human blood?

Because you're a vampire.   Remember, vampires hang out in groups called "covens".  You are going to have to establish one.  Don't worry, the ancient grimoirs are easy to find (see White Wolf)

New Question:  How do I start my own coven?
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Melamphoros
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« Reply #17: June 03, 2010, 11:01:21 pm »

New Question:  How do I start my own coven?

Answer: You will need a bunch of drugs, ways of depriving them of sleep and the charisma to make them hand over to you everything they own.

Question: I think my neighbor put a hex on me.  How do I hex her back?
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Ellen M.
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« Reply #18: June 03, 2010, 11:18:09 pm »

Because you're a vampire.   Remember, vampires hang out in groups called "covens".  You are going to have to establish one.  Don't worry, the ancient grimoirs are easy to find (see White Wolf)

New Question:  How do I start my own coven?

Answer: By avoiding the septs in your local area (also see White Wolf).
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« Reply #19: June 04, 2010, 01:36:21 am »

Question: I have come to the realization that I'm a fearie.  How can I unlock my powers?

You need to find your own kind.  They will teach you everything you need to know about your Otherkininity.  Fortunately, they hold conventions.



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« Reply #20: June 05, 2010, 05:14:10 am »


Question: I think my neighbor put a hex on me.  How do I hex her back?

A: Knee-cap the bitch.  The police will totally be on your side with this one.

Q: My friends keep telling me that Thor wasn't one of the faces of the Goddess.  How do I prove them wrong?
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« Reply #21: June 05, 2010, 08:49:53 am »

A: Knee-cap the bitch.  The police will totally be on your side with this one.

Q: My friends keep telling me that Thor wasn't one of the faces of the Goddess.  How do I prove them wrong?

A: Show him a picture of a bridal magazine, circa Scandinavia 800 AD, with Thor as that month's model. (He looks fabulous in that dress!

Q: My friend told me I'm the reincarnation of Joan of Arc. Is this true?
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« Reply #22: June 05, 2010, 11:12:47 am »

Q: My friend told me I'm the reincarnation of Joan of Arc. Is this true?

A:  Of course it is!  Why would someone lie about that?  Self-delusion is strictly forbidden in the Craft.

New Q:  I've got mandrake, aconite, and a pinch of hemlock.  Can you tell me how to make a flying potion?

Brina
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Nehet
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« Reply #23: June 05, 2010, 01:35:26 pm »

I've got mandrake, aconite, and a pinch of hemlock.  Can you tell me how to make a flying potion?

Soak that stuff in Everclear for a month.  Put resulting tincture on your naughty bits.  This recipe is a 5000 year old classic dating back to the times of the ancient Egyptian priestesses who learned it from their space alien teachers.  You should pass on the wisdom of this elixir to everyone.  Bottle it and sell it at Pagan conventions.  Note: do this before you've used it. 

Question:  I need to put a curse on my bitchy ex-friend who stole my boyfriend.  I need her toenails.   How do I get a hold of them?

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Ellen M.
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« Reply #24: June 05, 2010, 02:02:08 pm »

Soak that stuff in Everclear for a month.  Put resulting tincture on your naughty bits.  This recipe is a 5000 year old classic dating back to the times of the ancient Egyptian priestesses who learned it from their space alien teachers.  You should pass on the wisdom of this elixir to everyone.  Bottle it and sell it at Pagan conventions.  Note: do this before you've used it. 

Question:  I need to put a curse on my bitchy ex-friend who stole my boyfriend.  I need her toenails.   How do I get a hold of them?



Answer: Your local garden supply center sells weedwhackers, doesn't it? Well get to it!

Question: What's the best way for me to come out of the broom closet?
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Nehet
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« Reply #25: June 05, 2010, 02:10:52 pm »

Question: What's the best way for me to come out of the broom closet?

Answer:  With a flourish.  Hide in the janitor's closet wearing a big black cloak, a witch hat and lots of goth makeup.  Jump out and say "boo!"  Everybody will get the pun.

Question:  how do I make my own incense?
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« Reply #26: June 05, 2010, 02:18:31 pm »

Quote
Question:  how do I make my own incense?


A little bit of LSD brownies,some horny sorortiy sisters, a power-saw, the truck of a buick, Butcher's twine, a bathtub full of lye and roses, and a collection ziploc baggies are the components you shall need. The appropriate ritual is detailed in Chapter 13, section 3 of "Arcana Corpus" by Willowmina Raven-Claw Bluetzweiger, only 29.99 plus sales tax. Availible at your local Barnes and Noble.


Question: How do I convince the rest of my circle that I am actually the high holy priest king of the fabled Atlantian star-race, reborn to defeat the seven lords of the ruined lunarian Temple of Yog-Sothoth?
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Melamphoros
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« Reply #27: June 05, 2010, 03:46:09 pm »

Question: How do I convince the rest of my circle that I am actually the high holy priest king of the fabled Atlantian star-race, reborn to defeat the seven lords of the ruined lunarian Temple of Yog-Sothoth?

A: You perform a ritual to summon the Atlantian Dolphin Masters.  This involves drinking a potion of hemlock, belladonna, wolfsbane and eating fugu sauted with any mushroom that you find in your back yard.

New Q: My past lives include Cleopatra, Eleanor of Aquitaine, Leonardo Da Vinci, Beethoven, and Richard the Lionhearted.  How can I take the credit of my past lifes' work that I deserve.

(a dozen cookies go to who ever can spot why this is completely impossible)
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« Reply #28: June 05, 2010, 06:36:57 pm »

My past lives include Cleopatra, Eleanor of Aquitaine, Leonardo Da Vinci, Beethoven, and Richard the Lionhearted.  How can I take the credit of my past lifes' work that I deserve.
A: You need a multi-book contract with a Moon-famous publisher. Being able to produce simultaneous views on European societies from Eleanor d'Aquitaine's point of view AND Richard the Lionhearted's point of view is sure to bring you MUCH attention. Well due the feat of living in two lives at the same time!

Q: I need to get a special, rare type of wood that is only grown in protected national forests and is illegal to procure. How can I get it to perform my special Make Him Love Me Forever ritual?

ETA: Chewy Chocolate Chip, plxkthx
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Melamphoros
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« Reply #29: June 05, 2010, 06:49:11 pm »

A: You need a multi-book contract with a Moon-famous publisher. Being able to produce simultaneous views on European societies from Eleanor d'Aquitaine's point of view AND Richard the Lionhearted's point of view is sure to bring you MUCH attention. Well due the feat of living in two lives at the same time!

*passes cyber plate of chewy chocolate chip cookies to CrinklyBlue*

Quote
Q: I need to get a special, rare type of wood that is only grown in protected national forests and is illegal to procure. How can I get it to perform my special Make Him Love Me Forever ritual?

A: You take a chainsaw, go out into the protected national forest and get some.  Don't worry about any part rangers.  Chainsaws have many uses.

Q: I am always getting bullied at school because I follow the Path of the Great Moon Mother.  Is there a spell I can use to punish them with and I wouldn't be subjected to the Threefold Law?
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