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Author Topic: Your Path--And Your Mental Disorder  (Read 24010 times)
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« Reply #45: October 16, 2010, 08:06:03 am »

Must be nice!

More of a constant battle, really.

Just a necessary one.

When I believe the depression is *part of me* I fall deeper.  When I see it as something I must fight, like the flu or any other illness, I can find a way out ....
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« Reply #46: October 16, 2010, 09:23:45 am »

Er... I'm not Juni obviously, but I would caution against assuming (or even simply guessing) about the length and severity of someone's mental illness. Depression can manifest in a variety of ways, and that combined with the personality of the individual in question can affect how depression is thought of. If someone doesn't think depression is who they are, it may mean they just have a different sense of self than you - not that their depression wasn't "deep or prolonged".

I've seen people assume that because their depression wasn't deep or prolonged that people who say depression is horrible are just being wimps. I've seen people assume that because their ADHD or other disorder isn't severe enough to require therapy or meds that people who do are just looking for an excuse. Guess I did reverse bias there, going the other way, saying that if depression doesn't have an impact on who you are then it must not have been very severe or long lasting.

I believe that everything that happens to us has an impact on who we are. We can choose whether to battle against it or we can sit back and let it happen. But even the act of battling against the impact changes who we are, makes us more of a fighter.
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« Reply #47: October 16, 2010, 09:45:13 am »

But even the act of battling against the impact changes who we are, makes us more of a fighter.

This may be true for some, but it's not how I feel.

There's this saying that I always hear thrown around when it comes to trauma and such: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." A more appropriate version for me, I think, is "What doesn't kill you will only require brief hospitalization."

I have been broken- by my own mind, on those nights when I hit the bottom and knew that suicide was my only option left; by people in my life, who intentionally or not, put me through hell and left me there. Those experiences have not made me stronger. All I can do- on the good days, at least- is look back on them and say "at least I've survived this far." I will always carry the scars of those experiences, the lines where I put myself back together, but pieces of me have been lost along the way. I am trying, with therapy, to find them again, or to make new pieces to plug the holes where my soul leaks out, but some things cannot be fixed.

Depression is not a part of me, it is a disease that digs into my scars and exploits my wounds. If it were really who I am, then how could I ever truly escape it? My past has given me scars; I can live as a victim the rest of my life, or I can do my best to put them behind me, and not allow the pain of the past to influence my future. I can pick at those scars and watch them bleed, or I can acknowledge that they are there, and one day notice that they have begun to fade.

Maybe you see this as fighting, as making yourself stronger, but I never have. It is a matter of survival, a tedious and exhausting decision that I have to make every day. Maybe someday when my scars have faded, I will feel like a fighter, but right now, as I struggle to hold on to the pieces of myself that I have left, it is not a perspective that fits.
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« Reply #48: October 16, 2010, 11:31:09 am »

What put's you at that place if you don't mind my asking.  If you'd rather not be specific that's alright.

I'm not sure I know what you mean here.  What has put me in this empty and listless place, or what has put me in a place where I push through the lousiness to practice?

For the first, brain chemistry combined with a number of events in my life that were traumatic.  Emotions ride me until I feel empty if I don't actively push back.  I become nothingness inside...and nothingness, while stable, isn't active - it is passive.  It makes me passive and unable to react to anything outside.  I become trapped in my own mind with no way out until my brain decides I've had enough.

For the second, if I don't try push through it to do the things I want/need to do, I am letting my depression ride me instead of my riding it out.  I liked Shadow's allusion to depression as flu, actually.  When I am physically ill, I treat the symptoms and push through it to complete what I need to.  Mental illness, for me, requires the same thing in order to keep my life livable: treat the symptoms (SSRI and weekly therapy), and push through to do what I want/need to.  Sometimes with my depression, much like influenza, I end up feeling like I got hit by a truck and cannot function...but not always.

As for spirituality, well, depression has not benefited my religious practice, nor has my religious practice really benefited my depression...except in one instance.  I am one of those people that tends to write everything down, and then read what I wrote (and re-read and re-read) until I am wallowing in the emotions I felt at the time of the original writing...or the original incident.  Using fire to destroy the writings (much as I used to do in some of my spellwork) has helped me stop any writing-related wallowing.  However, since my therapist is the one who suggested it I find a way to ritually destroy the words after writing them, I don't consider it having a true link with my religion. 

I do not believe that my depression is a "blessing" because it allows me to see things differently.  With all due respect to those who disagree with me, I cannot understand the thought processes required to choose to see mental illness as a gift that should be embraced.  Is this something anyone can explain?
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« Reply #49: October 16, 2010, 11:56:26 am »

I do not believe that my depression is a "blessing" because it allows me to see things differently.  With all due respect to those who disagree with me, I cannot understand the thought processes required to choose to see mental illness as a gift that should be embraced.  Is this something anyone can explain?

By all means. My reasoning behind my thinking knowing that my disorder allows me to see things differently is because it does. I do not like to play the "I'm sooo different!" card, but in my case it's generally true; socially, I am an inconvenient bug. I say things or announce things that most people do not like to hear, because I can't help but say them--they're so obvious that to miss speaking the truth would be a travesty. Or, sometimes, I'll simply just say the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Ex.
Me: I don't understand anal sex.
Table Full of Gay Guys: -GAWK-

I notice things and do things differently, and I have experienced many, many different, varying forms of emotion. I speak with feeling because my therapist helped me learn not to be ashamed of my thoughts and emotions; I know I am unique, because I have studied myself--and this helps bolster my knowledge that without the wild roller-coaster ride of my disorder, and all the insane family circumstances and years of abuse from people who have derided my differences, I know that I would not love the earth as wholly as I do today, nor would I hold her people and her creatures in such fine reverence, nor would I have met the people in my life which brought me closer to the woman I am today, nor would I have ever noticed the intricate, elaborate divine touch in all small, imperfect, and largely unnoticed things. Objects, sounds, people, smells. Being bipolar, and experiencing the world at a harsher level, has made me more grateful to exist at all. That buoys me. That brings me out of depression.

My disorder is hereditary. My grandmother is schizophrenic, my mother severely bipolar, my aunts and uncle all three are clinically depressed. When we see the world, we see it hanging in motion and color, in feeling and great power. It's an awareness that is heightened by the chemical imbalances that we experience. We take in every sight, smell, touch, any sensory emotion, at ten times the impact an average person might. Imagine what that does to a family. Imagine what that does to a family full of alcoholics and recovering addicts either fundamentalist Jehovah's Witness or recovering from years of abuse from being a Jehovah's Witness. WHEW.

Our therapist is our best friend. I didn't know it at the time that I saw her, but she was the first Buddhist I had ever met, and if she had ever suggested something spiritual to me, I would bow and call her Master, then do as she said. I am very, very depressed that therapists are not more like her. Her patience stretches around the damned globe.
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« Reply #50: October 16, 2010, 01:01:35 pm »

This may be true for some, but it's not how I feel.

There's this saying that I always hear thrown around when it comes to trauma and such: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." A more appropriate version for me, I think, is "What doesn't kill you will only require brief hospitalization."

I have been broken- by my own mind, on those nights when I hit the bottom and knew that suicide was my only option left; by people in my life, who intentionally or not, put me through hell and left me there. Those experiences have not made me stronger. All I can do- on the good days, at least- is look back on them and say "at least I've survived this far." I will always carry the scars of those experiences, the lines where I put myself back together, but pieces of me have been lost along the way. I am trying, with therapy, to find them again, or to make new pieces to plug the holes where my soul leaks out, but some things cannot be fixed.

Depression is not a part of me, it is a disease that digs into my scars and exploits my wounds. If it were really who I am, then how could I ever truly escape it? My past has given me scars; I can live as a victim the rest of my life, or I can do my best to put them behind me, and not allow the pain of the past to influence my future. I can pick at those scars and watch them bleed, or I can acknowledge that they are there, and one day notice that they have begun to fade.

Maybe you see this as fighting, as making yourself stronger, but I never have. It is a matter of survival, a tedious and exhausting decision that I have to make every day. Maybe someday when my scars have faded, I will feel like a fighter, but right now, as I struggle to hold on to the pieces of myself that I have left, it is not a perspective that fits.

Please don't think I'm trying to convince you of anything, or insist that my opinion is more right than yours. I'm trying to understand whether we actually agree but express it differently, or if we actually disagree what it that we disagree about.

My depression doesn't change me forever, but while I am depressed I am a different person. Just like we are different people when we're doing different things with different people (home, work, school, play, worship). If we never left the house and only saw the same people and did the same things everyday, then our personalities would be one-dimensional. Everything we do, everything we feel, helps to mold us and shape us and make us multi-dimensional. So, depression is not who I am, but it has played a part in making me who I am.

Maybe that makes more sense?
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« Reply #51: October 16, 2010, 03:14:12 pm »

We take in every sight, smell, touch, any sensory emotion, at ten times the impact an average person might.

What is your basis for comparison?

Absent - average
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« Reply #52: October 16, 2010, 03:27:25 pm »

I see it as my own personal journey to the underworld, and each bout or trip is necessary to gather more knowledge.

Being depressed gives me insight on life. It allows me to see things that others won't, or can't. I get accused of being a pessimist a lot, until I'm proven right. And being depressed gives me the strength to be there for my friends when life sideswipes them. It gives me the strength to look at the darker side of life without flinching.

Thank you, Morag.  This is close to how depression has affected my spirituality.

Since so many people on this board have been so open, I feel comfortable saying a few things I wouldn't normally tell anyone.

I'm linking to a blog entry rather than posting it all here because it's rather long:

Blog.
 

Mental illness has left an indelible mark on me.  Do I define myself by mental illness?  Actually, yes.  BUT, I have a very long definition of myself, which includes many things.  Mental illness isn't the first thing on the list, but it's there.  I wouldn't be who I am without it.

I formed a strong bond with the God I worship because we are, I think, similar creatures. He chose me because of who I am, and everything I bring with me to the offering table.  Crazy is part of that, whether I like it or not. He accepts that I'm a little broken and has patience with me.  I have learned to have a bit more patience with myself. That's how my mental illness and my spirituality interact with each other.

My spirituality would be different if I didn't have mental illness, because I would be a different person.   Of course, I would also be a different person if I'd lived in New Zealand or had a child.  That would change my spirituality as well.  Maybe I'd have a strong connection with land spirits from New Zealand or a stronger connection with Mother Goddesses.  That wouldn't make me more/less spiritual, just qualitatively different.

Make sense?
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« Reply #53: October 16, 2010, 04:50:11 pm »

I do not believe that my depression is a "blessing" because it allows me to see things differently.  With all due respect to those who disagree with me, I cannot understand the thought processes required to choose to see mental illness as a gift that should be embraced.  Is this something anyone can explain?

My depression is not a blessing or a gift. If I had a penny for every time I've cried out to the universe to just make it stop, I'd be rich. I envy people who don't experience this. I would love a simpler life, I really would, but it's not what I was given and so I live with what I have.

My depression has had a significant impact on my life. And much of that impact has been positive. Fighting my depression, learning to live with it, that has made me a stronger person. And it has made me a person who puts more energy into experiencing life, and more effort into the things I do. This is precisely because I am not my depression and, when I can, I am going to be the opposite of what my depression makes me.

My depression is not a blessing, nor is it a curse. It is a part of my life and, as much as I wish I could, I can't wish it away. So I live with it and it shapes me as a person.
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« Reply #54: October 16, 2010, 08:00:37 pm »

My depression is not a blessing or a gift. If I had a penny for every time I've cried out to the universe to just make it stop, I'd be rich. I envy people who don't experience this. I would love a simpler life, I really would, but it's not what I was given and so I live with what I have.

My depression has had a significant impact on my life. And much of that impact has been positive. Fighting my depression, learning to live with it, that has made me a stronger person. And it has made me a person who puts more energy into experiencing life, and more effort into the things I do. This is precisely because I am not my depression and, when I can, I am going to be the opposite of what my depression makes me.

My depression is not a blessing, nor is it a curse. It is a part of my life and, as much as I wish I could, I can't wish it away. So I live with it and it shapes me as a person.

Thank you, Kasmira!
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« Reply #55: October 16, 2010, 09:07:24 pm »

My depression is not a blessing or a gift. If I had a penny for every time I've cried out to the universe to just make it stop, I'd be rich. I envy people who don't experience this. I would love a simpler life, I really would, but it's not what I was given and so I live with what I have.

My depression has had a significant impact on my life. And much of that impact has been positive. Fighting my depression, learning to live with it, that has made me a stronger person. And it has made me a person who puts more energy into experiencing life, and more effort into the things I do. This is precisely because I am not my depression and, when I can, I am going to be the opposite of what my depression makes me.

My depression is not a blessing, nor is it a curse. It is a part of my life and, as much as I wish I could, I can't wish it away. So I live with it and it shapes me as a person.

Very well said. Thank you for this post.
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« Reply #56: October 19, 2010, 05:59:43 pm »


I am glad that I found this thread.  You guys give me hope, you really do.

Has my mental illness affected my spirituality? Yes.  But not, so far, in a very positive way.  My family has all but made me hate God for making me this way and not fixing me. <sigh>

I am bi-polar and personally I hate it.  I hate the swings.  I hate it when I'm up too high and I hate it when I'm down too low. 

I was diagnosed, finally, when I was 36 and I'm 40 now.  From the time I hit puberty until 36 I was on a roller coaster.  I come from a VERY strict fundamentalist Christian background (Mom's side 'cause there was no Dad in the picture) I simply went beserk when the hormones hit.  I couldn't seem to help it.  I was the one, when I finally went to church because God helps those who ask right?, that my uncle stood in the pulpit and pointed to as the example to the rest of the youth group of what God DOESNT want you to be.  I was always the black sheep of my very sparkling pious family.  The demon in human clothing.  Except for my Grandma.  If not for her loving me anyway I don't know if I would have made it.

I did actually, in spite of them, give Christianity a chance.  But about six months before my diagnosis I hit an extremely bad depression.  I didn't try to commit suicide, but man did I ever think about it. I looked at my babies and knew that wasn't what I wanted but I was sooo very tired of the roller coaster ride.  When I turned to my family for help, as we sometimes do, I was told all sorts of things that depressed me even more.  But I was desperate.  I tried ever prayer, I read every book, listened to every tape, watched every video and nothing, nada.  So, I went to a pyschiatrist, apoligizing to God the whole way.

I got my diagnosis and medication.  I mentioned it to two family members and they freaked out.  I was to get off my meds NOW .. this was a sin issue, etc., etc.  I finally just exploded and told them to shove their opinions where the sun doesn't shine I wasn't getting off my meds.  It was the only thing that was helping me and I didn't want to die. 

It's rather a long story and I won't go into rest of the details.  At least my Mom came around after we had a chance to really, honestly talk about it. 

As for God (the only one I knew at the time) it has never helped me in the least relate to Him. Everytime I turned around it was like it pushed me away.  When I finally realized what the issue was, simple brain chemistry, I was angry.  Still am sometimes.  And when I asked for help?  Nothing from Him and condemnation from my family in His Name.  I don't know what I shall encounter in the Wiccan religion, but I feel that I can have a better relationship with myself and with the Divine on this path.  I just can't stomach the other any more.  I'm tired of being told how 'bad' I am. 

Please know that I don't judge Christainity in general or Christians as individuals by my family and their beliefs.  I really hope that the path that I am on will help me to find a place of acceptance of myself 'as is' while at the same time help me become a better person ... to myself, my kids, my friends, my community and even, eventually, my family as a whole. 
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« Reply #57: October 19, 2010, 06:04:23 pm »


I love everybody in this thread! Cheesy Thank you to all who have shared and come together.
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« Reply #58: October 19, 2010, 09:10:41 pm »

I love everybody in this thread! Cheesy Thank you to all who have shared and come together.

It is interesting how this thread has gone, actually.  I wondered if anyone would share, or if anyone's sharing would apply to my struggles with mental illness...and I find that it has been very beneficial.
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« Reply #59: October 19, 2010, 09:22:46 pm »


I really can't stand how people's brain chemistry issues are viewed as a religious *thing* sometimes.  It causes harm and does no good.

Kudos to you to getting on medication, telling your family where to stick it, and figuring out what you needed to do to get on the right track.  It's hard, but it's absolutely worth it.  Good luck to you.

(btw, there ARE Wiccan groups that pull the same "get right with the Goddess and get off your meds" crap.  Avoid them)
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