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Author Topic: Bad Advice on any Pagan Topic II  (Read 82476 times)
Melamphoros
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« Topic Start: October 18, 2010, 03:49:07 pm »

A:  Nah, just call the fluff bunny patrol.  They'll take care of 'em

Q.  Mel's trying to kill foamy with the fluff bunny patrol.  Should I go after him with my Athame/Dagger or is that bad?  Maybe I should call the God of Bed Chains?

A: Mel is just ridding the world of a great evil.  Let him finish the job.

Q: The squirrels are dead, but now a bunch of suicidal bunnies are asking me to put them out of their misery.  Should I use the fluffy bunny patrol or would it be easier (and cheaper) to just run them over with my car?
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« Reply #1: October 18, 2010, 04:12:01 pm »

A: Mel is just ridding the world of a great evil.  Let him finish the job.

Q: The squirrels are dead, but now a bunch of suicidal bunnies are asking me to put them out of their misery.  Should I use the fluffy bunny patrol or would it be easier (and cheaper) to just run them over with my car?

A:  Fluffy Bunny Patrol only works on squirrels and bad energy

A2: So much negativity in you, dear.  You need to cleanse all of that negative engery with some sage and salt water, then pray to the Angels to keep you from all that baaad energy.

Q.  The God of Vegetarians asked me to eat some beef jerky.  Should I do this without question even though I am vegetarian myself?  He also wants me to say "Yum, Yum" in some secret language.  Where can I find a resource for secret languages?  And what happens if I say no?  It's totally against my beliefs...well, not the "yum, yum" in another language.
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« Reply #2: October 18, 2010, 04:38:18 pm »

Q.  The God of Vegetarians asked me to eat some beef jerky.  Should I do this without question even though I am vegetarian myself?  He also wants me to say "Yum, Yum" in some secret language.  Where can I find a resource for secret languages?  And what happens if I say no?  It's totally against my beliefs...well, not the "yum, yum" in another language.

A: Deities do this all the time to test the faith of their followers.  Remember the story of Abraham?  The God of Vegetarians will replace the beef jerky with a carrot.  As for secret languages, it is the same language your local crazed homeless person uses.

Q: The God of Vegetarians didn't turn the beef jerky into a carrot or any vegetable.  He caused a bunch of trees to attack me.  Why is he acting this way?
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« Reply #3: October 19, 2010, 10:17:12 am »

A: Deities do this all the time to test the faith of their followers.  Remember the story of Abraham?  The God of Vegetarians will replace the beef jerky with a carrot.  As for secret languages, it is the same language your local crazed homeless person uses.

Q: The God of Vegetarians didn't turn the beef jerky into a carrot or any vegetable.  He caused a bunch of trees to attack me.  Why is he acting this way?

A: He is cranky because he didn't get his falafel offering this week and now it is too late.

Q: What can I do to appease the crankiness of the God of Vegetarians?
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« Reply #4: October 19, 2010, 04:12:14 pm »

A: He is cranky because he didn't get his falafel offering this week and now it is too late.

Q: What can I do to appease the crankiness of the God of Vegetarians?

A: You can't.  But you can summon the God of Carnivores and ask for his protection.

Q: The God of Carnivores just ate the God of Vegetarians.  Did I just fuck up the natural order of things?
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« Reply #5: October 19, 2010, 04:51:44 pm »

A: You can't.  But you can summon the God of Carnivores and ask for his protection.

Q: The God of Carnivores just ate the God of Vegetarians.  Did I just fuck up the natural order of things?

A: No. The God of Carnivores just died of vegetable poisoning.

Q: There is no spoon. Is there?
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Melamphoros
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« Reply #6: October 19, 2010, 04:54:38 pm »

A: No. The God of Carnivores just died of vegetable poisoning.

Q: There is no spoon. Is there?

A: That is a secret that only those initiated in the Order of Tableware can know.

Q: How do I get initiated into the Order of Tableware?
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« Reply #7: October 19, 2010, 08:06:46 pm »

Q: How do I get initiated into the Order of Tableware?

A).  You must learn every aspect of the esoteric mysteries of formal table setting.  You'll be required to do this perfectly at your initiation and if you put your salad fork where your desert fork belongs, you will be excommunicated and damned to tableware hell (they're kind of hardcore over there in the Order).

Q).  Shit, I'm in tableware hell!  How do I get out of here?
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Melamphoros
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« Reply #8: October 19, 2010, 08:44:24 pm »

A).  You must learn every aspect of the esoteric mysteries of formal table setting.  You'll be required to do this perfectly at your initiation and if you put your salad fork where your desert fork belongs, you will be excommunicated and damned to tableware hell (they're kind of hardcore over there in the Order).

Q).  Shit, I'm in tableware hell!  How do I get out of here?

A: You can't.  You're doomed!

Q: I saw an UFO the other day when I was dropping acid.  But when I tell this story no one believes me.  How do I make them see the truth?
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« Reply #9: October 19, 2010, 09:05:14 pm »

A: You can't.  You're doomed!

Q: I saw an UFO the other day when I was dropping acid.  But when I tell this story no one believes me.  How do I make them see the truth?

A: Invite the non-believers along when the abduction happens.  It will, you know.

Q: The UFO only has room for three of us.  Whom should I choose to accompany me?
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« Reply #10: October 19, 2010, 09:12:38 pm »

A: Invite the non-believers along when the abduction happens.  It will, you know.

Q: The UFO only has room for three of us.  Whom should I choose to accompany me?

A: The two who are most deserving of getting experimented on.

Q: But one of the ones who deserves to get experimented on would probably like it.  Should I leave him behind?
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« Reply #11: October 21, 2010, 10:02:42 am »

A: The two who are most deserving of getting experimented on.

Q: But one of the ones who deserves to get experimented on would probably like it.  Should I leave him behind?

A: Yes.  Probes only work if the victims don't like the experience.

Q: If Christine O'Donnell was abducted by aliens, would she know it?
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Melamphoros
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« Reply #12: October 21, 2010, 02:15:04 pm »

A: Yes.  Probes only work if the victims don't like the experience.

Q: If Christine O'Donnell was abducted by aliens, would she know it?

A: If the aliens switched her brain with that of a mouse, than she probably would be vaguely aware of it.

Q: Mice with human brains are attacking me.  Should I summon Christine to deal with them?
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« Reply #13: October 21, 2010, 02:17:35 pm »

A: If the aliens switched her brain with that of a mouse, than she probably would be vaguely aware of it.

Q: Mice with human brains are attacking me.  Should I summon Christine to deal with them?

A: Yes.  Anything to get her out of my general geographic area.

Q: Christine is trying to teach the mice about satanic altar picnics.  How can I get her to stop?
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« Reply #14: October 21, 2010, 02:30:46 pm »

A: Yes.  Anything to get her out of my general geographic area.

Q: Christine is trying to teach the mice about satanic altar picnics.  How can I get her to stop?

A: Get Elvira to knock some sense into her.

Q: "By knock some sense into her" I didn't mean "Use your boobs as a weapon."  Should I video tape this fight and post it on TCN?
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