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Author Topic: Did you go back to work, and when.  (Read 4058 times)
Corvus Calling - GirlRugger
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« Topic Start: November 02, 2010, 09:31:02 am »

       I got a great job offer yesterday and I am completely torn. I thought I was ready to go back to work, my twin girls will be 3 in February and I thought I could really use a break from the day to day. So I said yes I was defiantly interested and that I would forward my resume. However the second I hung up the phone, I got this heavy weight feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can no longer imagine leaving my precious babies with some one else all day. So my question is how did you decide to go back to work, or did you decide to stay home. If you did go back to work did that sinking feeling go away or do you regret going back. I know that this sounds a little frantic. I seem to have fallen into a blind panic about this entire situation. I know that when it come right down to it I could always leave the job if it turned out not to be the right thing for me, but I could use some advise from someone who has been where I am.  Huh


  Mindy
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« Reply #1: November 02, 2010, 09:42:25 am »

     

I didn't have a lot of choice, honestly. I was out of work shortly after having my daughter, and I returned to work full time when she was about 18 months old. Welfare programs only last so long. Did I have regrets? Yes--and no. I was there with her for all those "firsts" and I was thrilled for having had that chance. However, I couldn't become one of those women who milk the system and then some, and still live with myself. That isn't me. I found a daycare I could work with (liked the administrator, liked the caregivers, hours worked with my schedule), worked out a payment plan with them (because I was literally working to pay for the daycare at that point--there was no "getting ahead"), and did what I had to do.

It's never an easy decision, from what I know of friends who went through the same thing.
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« Reply #2: November 02, 2010, 10:58:35 am »

     

I started back to school when my daughter was 9 months and back to work when she was almost 3.  A little bit of me was sad, yes, I wanted to stay home with my child, but to be truthful, staying home is not an option for me.  Even if I could have afforded it.  Seriously, I go stir-crazy if I'm home all the time, become a royal B****.  It's better for me to work then to stay home.  I worked midnights all through her young yrs and through the majority of her teens, that way I didn't miss anything.  Home during the day (granted asleep part of the time, usually school hrs) up and doing things with her after school till her bedtime then off to work.  Worked very well for us.  And no, I don't regret it at all.  I'm not the stay at home type, nothing against the ones that are, I'm just not able to do that. Smiley

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« Reply #3: November 02, 2010, 11:01:44 am »

       I got a great job offer yesterday and I am completely torn. I thought I was ready to go back to work, my twin girls will be 3 in February and I thought I could really use a break from the day to day. So I said yes I was defiantly interested and that I would forward my resume. However the second I hung up the phone, I got this heavy weight feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can no longer imagine leaving my precious babies with some one else all day. So my question is how did you decide to go back to work, or did you decide to stay home. If you did go back to work did that sinking feeling go away or do you regret going back. I know that this sounds a little frantic. I seem to have fallen into a blind panic about this entire situation. I know that when it come right down to it I could always leave the job if it turned out not to be the right thing for me, but I could use some advise from someone who has been where I am.  Huh


  Mindy

Random rant - it's COMPLETELY not fair that this is always the woman's decision and the guy never has to make the same choice.

That said - I have stayed home.  But I massively SUCK at day jobs - I been there, I done that, and I'm a hell of a lot saner OUTSIDE that environment.  As hubby and I could manage me at home, and working would pretty much pay for daycare and not much else ANYWAY .. staying home most reasonable choice.  And there were still times I wanted to just jump out the window and run ANYWHERE to get away.

There is no "right" answer - and there is no "wrong" answer.  It's a family choice, but most of all, it's a personal choice.  You're not a bad mother if you send the kids to daycare.  You're not a bad person if you choose to stay home.

If it's a job you really want, I'd say arrange daycare now - there's no promise the job will be there when it's the perfect time, and there's a lot to be said for showing your kids that moms have lives too.  Will there be moments it sucks beyond belief?  Of course - but you get THOSE staying home too!  (my son has the day off because his school is a polling place and I am in HIDING so I don't murder!)

There are no perfect answers.  Go with what fits your family best - but remember to include yourself in that equation.  It sounds like you're pretty excited about this job.  I'd go for it.
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« Reply #4: November 02, 2010, 11:06:17 am »

       I got a great job offer yesterday and I am completely torn. I thought I was ready to go back to work, my twin girls will be 3 in February and I thought I could really use a break from the day to day. So I said yes I was defiantly interested and that I would forward my resume. However the second I hung up the phone, I got this heavy weight feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can no longer imagine leaving my precious babies with some one else all day. So my question is how did you decide to go back to work, or did you decide to stay home. If you did go back to work did that sinking feeling go away or do you regret going back. I know that this sounds a little frantic. I seem to have fallen into a blind panic about this entire situation. I know that when it come right down to it I could always leave the job if it turned out not to be the right thing for me, but I could use some advise from someone who has been where I am.  Huh


  Mindy

I went back to work at 8 weeks with my first and second, if I hadn't we wouldn't have eaten.  My husband was attempting to make an at home business work, (which it didn't) and then went back to school.  I worked for four years, then we had a year of agency and anything we could get work, which is of course, when I got pregnant with #3.  By the time he was born, my husband was done with school and had found a full time job, so I stayed home till #4, (2 and a half years younger than  #3) was 2, when my husbands company went bankrupt.  I have continued to work since then, the last one is 9 and first is 17.  With four kids, one sort of needs a job in the family.  We have basically done without daycare, I work nights, but I'm in a field that allows that.
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« Reply #5: November 02, 2010, 11:19:16 am »

So my question is how did you decide to go back to work, or did you decide to stay home. If you did go back to work did that sinking feeling go away or do you regret going back.

My daughter was seven weeks old when I returned to work.  I didn't have much of a choice; I earn the majority of the income in our household.  (For reference, we also considered hubby becoming a stay at home dad.  We ultimately decided that we couldn't give up his insurance benefits.)

Honestly, I love my daughter to death, but daycare is a relief for me.  I have gotten to know the teachers pretty well, and I know that she's in good hands.  She's made a lot of friends there, and they're teaching her things that I am not organized enough to teach effectively.  Someone else might be caring for her, but I still stay very involved--I get daily contact with and reports from her teachers, as well as more formal conferences as necessary.  (Also:  they invite parents to visit at any time, which might be an option at lunchtime or something for you?). And honestly, I haven't missed as many "firsts" as you'd think.

That said, I might feel differently about this if I had stayed home until she was 3.  I love it, but obviously my situation is different, and mileage may vary.  There are no right answers here.
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« Reply #6: November 02, 2010, 11:35:45 am »

 
  Thanks everyone for your feed back. I have had a chance to breathe and calm down a little, and I think I will probably take the Job. My mother has asked to watch the kids through the winter instead of taking them to day care, which may work better for me right now as I live rurally, and the thoughts of dragging my girls out of bed in the dark and cold to take them to day care if I don't have to seems silly.

 
I'm not the stay at home type, nothing against the ones that are, I'm just not able to do that. Smiley

 I am here also. I Never signed on to be a stay-at-home mom, and I am going stir crazy sitting home. I had always planned to go back to work, but I guess I just never bargained for the feeling of dread that would come along with it. lol.
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« Reply #7: November 02, 2010, 02:48:55 pm »


In theory, I work at home.  My time is split between:  editing contracting work, my own spec writing, child care, housework and maintenance, and, when I have a working studio, my studio.

In practice, "child care" at the moment eats up so much of my life that it's tempting to get an office elsewhere to go to so I can ever get something else done.  (Not that we can afford the expense, as I certainly wouldn't bring in the income to cover it.)

Which is basically to say "What Heartshadow said, only I'm also whining."
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« Reply #8: November 02, 2010, 03:08:33 pm »

In theory, I work at home.  My time is split between:  editing contracting work, my own spec writing, child care, housework and maintenance, and, when I have a working studio, my studio.

In practice, "child care" at the moment eats up so much of my life that it's tempting to get an office elsewhere to go to so I can ever get something else done.  (Not that we can afford the expense, as I certainly wouldn't bring in the income to cover it.)

Which is basically to say "What Heartshadow said, only I'm also whining."
I didn't go back to work until my kids were 2 and 4 - mostly because my wages wouldn't have covered child care.  Then I ended up going back to finish my degree (BA in Accounting) when the youngest went into 1st grade - so I wasn't paying for child care and could use the after school programs.  Between these times I had worked on and off - mostly when their father wasn't.  So I did a lot of SAHM and did enjoy it, but I sure did like getting away and dealing with adults and getting paid for it too.  I'm really glad I got my degree, because when I got divorced, I could afford a decent life for my children as a single mother - let's face it the 400 a month in child support didn't pay for much - when the check was good the first time 'round.
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« Reply #9: November 04, 2010, 12:41:19 am »

       I got a great job offer yesterday and I am completely torn. I thought I was ready to go back to work, my twin girls will be 3 in February and I thought I could really use a break from the day to day. So I said yes I was defiantly interested and that I would forward my resume. However the second I hung up the phone, I got this heavy weight feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can no longer imagine leaving my precious babies with some one else all day. So my question is how did you decide to go back to work, or did you decide to stay home. If you did go back to work did that sinking feeling go away or do you regret going back. I know that this sounds a little frantic. I seem to have fallen into a blind panic about this entire situation. I know that when it come right down to it I could always leave the job if it turned out not to be the right thing for me, but I could use some advise from someone who has been where I am.  Huh

  Mindy
I think that what you are going through is perfectly normal. That said, some people are "work outside the home people" and some people are "stay-at-home" people. Only you can determine which you are. For me, I could not go to work outside the home at this point. One reason is personal preference; it is my personal belief/feeling that I "need" to be here for my children. And when I do go back to work, I will do my best to find a job that allows me to be home when my kids are. It's the only way I feel I can do my part in keeping them "out of trouble".
If you love people, co-workers, and need to contribute a wage, then go for it!! You are not going to have this offered to you every day. There are some truly good childcare providers out there if you just look. Some even do some educating.
I wish I could help you make your decision, but to each her/his own. That said, I plan on going back to work when all of my children are in school-partly because I feel it is what I need to do and partly because I cannot afford childcare.
I will be thinking positive thoughts for you in the time of your difficult decision. Smiley
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« Reply #10: November 04, 2010, 06:40:09 am »


Jumping off everyone more or less here...

I don't have kids myself, but am active within feminism and this is one of the subjects that are up for discussion right now within my group.

There is a LOT of cultural stuff surrounding working mothers and child care and the choices you make. In the Netherlands, our government made a choice to promote part-time work for mothers to avoid overloading the job market when women started working, and you still see the consequences of that in the current culture, where putting your children in child care full time while you work is often considered bad motherhood. I happen to know that in Spain, the opposite is true - people will tell you you're depriving your child if you don't bring them to child care full time, where they can interact with other children.

There is no One Right Choice here. Everything has its pros and cons. Yes, if you work, you're home less. On the other hand, you give your kid other resources - you teach them how to combine work and home, you have a professional network they can use for their own jobs and such, etc etc. There's also a very real link for girls between how much their moms work and how much they end up working when they grow up.

The right choice is whatever works for you and your family - that doesn't drive you crazy because you'd rather be out working than a SAHM, or because you're doing a job that makes you miserable, that makes sure your kids are well cared for in an environment where they feel comfortable, etc. How you best accomplish that is up to you and your family - and yes, as pointed out before, that should involve a realistic look at not only mom's work but dad's as well, ideally. Do what works for you, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

--Chabas (who intends to go back to work as soon as maternity leave ends once she does have kids, for however many hours works out best, and is lucky enough to have a boyfriend who'll happily stay home to care for the kids as well if that's what works best)
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« Reply #11: November 04, 2010, 10:30:16 pm »

Jumping off everyone more or less here...

I don't have kids myself, but am active within feminism and this is one of the subjects that are up for discussion right now within my group.

There is a LOT of cultural stuff surrounding working mothers and child care and the choices you make. In the Netherlands, our government made a choice to promote part-time work for mothers to avoid overloading the job market when women started working, and you still see the consequences of that in the current culture, where putting your children in child care full time while you work is often considered bad motherhood. I happen to know that in Spain, the opposite is true - people will tell you you're depriving your child if you don't bring them to child care full time, where they can interact with other children.

There is no One Right Choice here. Everything has its pros and cons. Yes, if you work, you're home less. On the other hand, you give your kid other resources - you teach them how to combine work and home, you have a professional network they can use for their own jobs and such, etc etc. There's also a very real link for girls between how much their moms work and how much they end up working when they grow up.

The right choice is whatever works for you and your family - that doesn't drive you crazy because you'd rather be out working than a SAHM, or because you're doing a job that makes you miserable, that makes sure your kids are well cared for in an environment where they feel comfortable, etc. How you best accomplish that is up to you and your family - and yes, as pointed out before, that should involve a realistic look at not only mom's work but dad's as well, ideally. Do what works for you, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

--Chabas (who intends to go back to work as soon as maternity leave ends once she does have kids, for however many hours works out best, and is lucky enough to have a boyfriend who'll happily stay home to care for the kids as well if that's what works best)

Exactly! And sometimes you don't know what works well until you try. I never saw myself as a mom let alone an at-home-mom, but I love every minute of it! Likewise I remember my mom trying to stay at home with us for a while and it was just not a pretty situation. She was not happy; and you know what they say, "if momma aint happy, nobody's happy!" Wink
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