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Author Topic: Passive and Active nurturing  (Read 2174 times)
Last Login:August 30, 2011, 06:53:09 am
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« Topic Start: March 05, 2011, 11:01:57 am »

I was thinking about this because of all of the recent talk on nurturing the dark flame as well as the fact that I've been trying to figure out better ways to do it.  In my case I think that I've been attempting to passively nurture my dark flame instead of actively doing so.  My passive nurturing is to close off, to withdraw from external stimuli and isolate myself to keep myself from being over-extended or over given.  There is no active rekindling of that flame, or anything to help it feel stronger or better, just a last ditch survival effort to be "selfish" by withdrawing completely and pretty much telling others to piss off.  It gives a brief rest to be able to tell everyone else to leave me alone, but it doesn't actually help the problem- which is the lack of self-nurturing.  My mother told me throughout growing up that I should give 75% of myself in everything that I do and only expect 25% in return.  That way if I gain 25% in return, I have gotten what I expected and I can be satisfied with that.  And if I gain more than that, each extra thing is something that I should be grateful for, and if I gain less than that, then it's not a healthy relationship.

To some degree, this is a good way of looking at things because it does create a feeling of gratitude.  However, it also gives the feeling that I am not worth more than 25% in return.  Does it mean that I should expect others to give 75% of themselves to me as well?  Nope.  Because it's not my place to tell them what they should or should not be giving of themselves.  However, I was thinking about it and perhaps the problem lies when the self-worth ends up adding up to that 25%.  If I have a relationship with myself, why have I only been giving less than the bare minimum to myself?  And then I wonder why my own body and spirit don't really feel like getting up the energy to give me back what I want them to do?  That isn't a healthy relationship, but it's not one that I can end either. 

So the goal is now to shift from passive nurturing where I simply allow myself to do nothing for others for a while to active nurturing where I actively do things for myself in addition to getting the things done that I need to do.  Baby steps.


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« Reply #1: March 05, 2011, 01:10:39 pm »

I think being aware of a relationship with ourselves is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves.

Yes, you're always going to end up giving (especially to children) more than you FEEL like you're getting back - even if it's actually 50-50, it won't feel like it. Cheesy  But a relationship with oneself ... if you're not giving to you ....

which, of course, doesn't make it easy.  I've had to learn that one myself - and RE-learn it regularly ....

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