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Author Topic: self inflicted search for no reason? * head hits desk*  (Read 2260 times)
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Last Login:November 03, 2011, 01:16:00 am
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Religion: pagan?
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« Topic Start: March 12, 2011, 05:14:07 pm »

(wasn't sure where to put this feel free to move to possibly more appropriate spot)

ok,so I need to make a long initial post here,bear with me.
many moons ago,when I was still in high school ,I got urges and unbidden promptings from out of no where to start doing certain simple things,as like worship of sort and got big warm fuzzies and pulls from the moon. no name to it, no central religion of any sort. just,honouring the moon and bathing in the good feelings. I found a quiet spot (if you call a lump of land smack between a four lane highway quiet) to go to and got the idea to paint words on small bones and bury them at each of the four sides of the space and tie " prayer/wishes" in feather form to the trees in the area. only black grey and White feathers counted.
I developed a big lycantrhopy thing and do feel my soul is decidedly canine. at first I thought wolfly but then realised I was way too much a fan of other people and junk food to be as "wild and untamed" as a wolf is,more a stray dog sense of untamed.
anyhow,as time went on I began looking stuff up on the net to see what was out there that might match whatever the heck was doing. I found out about this paganism thing,took a longtime to detangle it from Wicca,found witchcraft and went thru the same detangle.
so I had added and continually tweaked my worship with things I found thruresearch but discarded it as it seemed not to click etc.
so in ritual I worship the moon "IZE" (I use a language I made up in high school and do all my worship in that language) and I spit the corners(thing I had been doing before research) and call the elements in and cast a circle with a wording all my own.
I believe that things that others have been doing for many years have validity and power so why mess with it if it works,so I've got all kinds of associations on my alter and use colours candles and symbols liberally where appropriate.

at some point I got it in my head thruwhat I had Been reading that during the dark moon,the moon was. not showing it's face and was further away and the energy was completely different and therefor I went on a long hunt to find a deity to fill that dark moon void.
this is when things got all wonky.
I kept having issues with the idea of needing a humanized diety to worship who is also moon related but not the moon itself,but is also equal in power or emphasis.
it niggled at me continually.
nevertheless I tried to prevail. I thought I found helle. I spent many yrs researching and spending dark moons honouring and worshiping her and never feeling very connected.
I still got my warm fuzzies during full moons,but things were off deep down,when it came to the dark moon. it bothered me cuz I felt very strongly that all moon phases were equally important and should connect tome the same. if that makes sense.

I started doing work to try bringing the deity closer to me,to connect more strongly.
it was disheartening and frustrating. during this time I eventually did further research and soul searching and got a lot of advice and came back to message board interaction for further advice and concluded that perhaps my hele upg had really been a different lady and not hele.
I had a giant lightbulb when I did a ritual asking which of three this deity might be and landed on hekate.
I had at the same time begun to involve ESHU to try and strengthen the connection to the deity in question. a lot of things happened all at once.
when I landed on Hecate it all seemed to click,except now I wasn't sure I needed eshu or perhaps he was getting in the way,I'm not used to dealing with other deities.
I've decided to keep him around to clear the way though,I like him.
I still didn't feel I was getting a good connection with Hecate even when my previous ritual had told me that,duh it's Hecate dummy,not hele.
then I was at work a week or so later and was mulling over the whle thing from beginning to end and I've had a possible DUH!!!
could it be I never needed to search for a dark moon replacement this whole time and it was merely the moon trying to get me to realize that I was already dealing with Hecate,trying to tell me that the moon deity I got warm and fuzzies from this whole time was hekate,and she was just trying to shake me to raise my stae of worship up a little higher,move on from the basic of moon worship to hekates level?
had this whole removed lamented search been all self inflicted and unneccessary,or perhaps hekate inflicted...der.

next full moon ritual I do I intend to ask and come full circle/home properly completely once and for all,if that's the case. if it's not then perhaps I just need to give the hekate connection some more time to grow.

I just get the feeling that it was like her going: YES IT'S ME!
and then when I went on to still practice worship of her separate from the full moon,she got grumpy that I still didn't get it.
I had to get this off my chest.
any thoughts from others?

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