Gods hate me, and some other Gods love me???

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[fiamma]

It doesn't have to destroy all of them - just because you're subject to having your neurochemistry give you "false positives" about deity interactions, doesn't mean you can't have real interactions, just that you have to be doubly careful in trying to sort "real" from "neurochemically-induced illusion" (and of course it's more complicated than just one or the other - in the instance you refer to in this thread, f'ex, I suspect it's a mixture of genuine communication, neurochemical input, and your interpretations that aren't directly related to schizotypality but are influenced by your experiences as a person with mental illness).

Everyone who experiences direct interaction with deity has the basic problem of sorting what's genuine from what they've made up; you have an extra complication to the problem, but it doesn't make the problem insurmountable, just more complex.

Sunflower

This is quite true. I used to see a therapist back when I was living on the east coast- who also happened to be a pagan who very much believed that people can hear and interact with deities. His main distinction for sorting out whether "the voices in your head" were to be of any concern or not boiled down to whether or not the voices were problematic and distressing, or if they were of some benefit or comfort to the individual in question. And it's important to keep in mind, not just literally the content of what is heard from the voices, seen in visions, etc but what is the result.

This gets into a bit of stickiness here, because it raises such points as "what, so the gods can only tell us good, fluffy things to build us up?" and "if you're mentally ill and hearing nice things, you're still mentally ill"

To the latter, I can only ask, if the person is in fact hearing things of comfort and benefit to them, things that help them to be calm and functional, why would it be worrisome? Perhaps it would be a good idea to pay attention to what those things are, and note if it starts to change and become more disturbing in any way.

To the former...I don't know, I have no answer to that. No, I don't think that the gods can only tell us good, fluffy things. But until someone comes up with a better way to differentiate the two, this is the best that I've heard so far. I'm not a mental health professional, and from what I've heard, it seems that those mental health professionals who even make this distinction are fairly few and far between.

Now...I was not being treated for any sort of mental illness where hearing voices or the like was a common symptom. (Then again, I exist in a fairly constant state of depersonalization (a form of dissociation) so I'm constantly wondering if anything, including myself, is real at all...lol) I would imagine that it would become far, far more complicated to try to sort things out when dealing with something such as schizo-typical personality disorder.

For me, figuring out if my interactions with the gods were real or not was- initially, at least- pretty easy. somehow, I had no problem taking it as a matter of fact. After a while though, i really needed to ask myself how I knew, how I could be certain (well, reasonably so) that this wasn't something I was making up. Hearing their voices wasn't just a matter of hearing some voice in my head. Their voice is always accompanied by a certain feeling, a specific energy. How do I know that's real? Good question. For me, that's one that I have to say that it's just the way it is. I have no good answer. But I do know that sometimes I am, in fact, imagining that I hear them talk to me- and the voice"sounds" different, and isn't accompanied by the specific feeling that tells me that it's not just sock puppets in my mind that I'm dealing with.

It might be helpful for you to start tracking the interactions you have. Perhaps designate a notebook to keep a journal of it for a while, to really think about how the voices sound, what they say, how they feel to you each time and see if you notice any patterns. It might help you to try to sort out what's what. It might also be a helpful tool for if you ever are able to seek treatment. Telling a mental health professional that you believe that you're talking to the gods can be a daunting thing at best, and very risky depending on who you are talking to (I was very lucky, I  talked to my therapist on and off very informally, mostly by email, for several months before I started actually utilizing his services, in that time, not only did he have a pretty good idea of what was and was not problematic for me, but I was also comfortable with discussing this subject and able to do so without worrying that he might try to have me tossed into a mental hospital or have me forcibly medicated when it wasn't needed. It was also helpful that I met him by way of the local pagan community, and knew someone who had some dealing with him on a professional level.)

Sadly, not everyone is as lucky as I am, and there is a lot of abuse and mis-treatment in the mental health system. I say this not to discourage you from seeking treatment, but to urge you to be cautious and do everything you can to find the proper help and support that you need instead of someone who's just going to hear "hears voices" and shoves some pills down your throat. (Let me be clear, I'm not trying to say that mental illness should never be treated with medication, and I'm certainly not qualified to say whether you need it or not. But I do believe that those medications are frequently abused and too many doctors use them as a bandaid instead of looking for possible better treatment options. Sometimes they're needed, but sometimes it's like putting you in a full-body cast to treat a broken wrist.)

In any case, using tools such as keeping a journal of the voices might be helpful to you in sorting out the what's real from the what's not real, and may also be the sort of thing that might, someday, help to show a mental health professional that you're not just a raving loony, even if you have to really edit some parts down because not everyone is going to hear something like "I had this meditative vision where Apollo tied me to a tree and cut me up and ripped my skin off" and respond with something as perfectly calm and rational as "Wow, that sounds intense. Does that mean something in particular to you?"

Good luck, I hope you are able to try to start to sort things out, and remember- just because you have a mental illness, does not mean that you can't also have genuine experiences with the gods. It's a fairly common believe in many ancient societies that the mentally ill are somehow touched by the gods. It's also not terribly uncommon in contemporary times to find people who believe that those who are mentally ill, or who have suffered some sort of great trauma in their life may be more likely to be able to have such strong interactions with the gods for some reason or other. The difficult part is sorting out what differentiates the gods from other voices.

Okay, this was a much longer replay than I expected...lol Let it never be said that Fiamma is a woman of few words, hehehehe

[Star]

To the former...I don't know, I have no answer to that. No, I don't think that the gods can only tell us good, fluffy things. But until someone comes up with a better way to differentiate the two, this is the best that I've heard so far. I'm not a mental health professional, and from what I've heard, it seems that those mental health professionals who even make this distinction are fairly few and far between.

I would point out that "beneficial" does not always mean "good and fluffy".  Healing is not always gentle.  (I could swear you've pointed that out to me yourself, but maybe I'm misremembering.  Or perhaps I'm misunderstanding what you're trying to say here.)

[Anteros]

This is quite true. I used to see a therapist back when I was living on the east coast- who also happened to be a pagan who very much believed that people can hear and interact with deities. His main distinction for sorting out whether "the voices in your head" were to be of any concern or not boiled down to whether or not the voices were problematic and distressing, or if they were of some benefit or comfort to the individual in question. And it's important to keep in mind, not just literally the content of what is heard from the voices, seen in visions, etc but what is the result.

This gets into a bit of stickiness here, because it raises such points as "what, so the gods can only tell us good, fluffy things to build us up?" and "if you're mentally ill and hearing nice things, you're still mentally ill"

To the latter, I can only ask, if the person is in fact hearing things of comfort and benefit to them, things that help them to be calm and functional, why would it be worrisome? Perhaps it would be a good idea to pay attention to what those things are, and note if it starts to change and become more disturbing in any way.

To the former...I don't know, I have no answer to that. No, I don't think that the gods can only tell us good, fluffy things. But until someone comes up with a better way to differentiate the two, this is the best that I've heard so far. I'm not a mental health professional, and from what I've heard, it seems that those mental health professionals who even make this distinction are fairly few and far between.

Now...I was not being treated for any sort of mental illness where hearing voices or the like was a common symptom. (Then again, I exist in a fairly constant state of depersonalization (a form of dissociation) so I'm constantly wondering if anything, including myself, is real at all...lol) I would imagine that it would become far, far more complicated to try to sort things out when dealing with something such as schizo-typical personality disorder.

For me, figuring out if my interactions with the gods were real or not was- initially, at least- pretty easy. somehow, I had no problem taking it as a matter of fact. After a while though, i really needed to ask myself how I knew, how I could be certain (well, reasonably so) that this wasn't something I was making up. Hearing their voices wasn't just a matter of hearing some voice in my head. Their voice is always accompanied by a certain feeling, a specific energy. How do I know that's real? Good question. For me, that's one that I have to say that it's just the way it is. I have no good answer. But I do know that sometimes I am, in fact, imagining that I hear them talk to me- and the voice"sounds" different, and isn't accompanied by the specific feeling that tells me that it's not just sock puppets in my mind that I'm dealing with.

It might be helpful for you to start tracking the interactions you have. Perhaps designate a notebook to keep a journal of it for a while, to really think about how the voices sound, what they say, how they feel to you each time and see if you notice any patterns. It might help you to try to sort out what's what. It might also be a helpful tool for if you ever are able to seek treatment. Telling a mental health professional that you believe that you're talking to the gods can be a daunting thing at best, and very risky depending on who you are talking to (I was very lucky, I  talked to my therapist on and off very informally, mostly by email, for several months before I started actually utilizing his services, in that time, not only did he have a pretty good idea of what was and was not problematic for me, but I was also comfortable with discussing this subject and able to do so without worrying that he might try to have me tossed into a mental hospital or have me forcibly medicated when it wasn't needed. It was also helpful that I met him by way of the local pagan community, and knew someone who had some dealing with him on a professional level.)

Sadly, not everyone is as lucky as I am, and there is a lot of abuse and mis-treatment in the mental health system. I say this not to discourage you from seeking treatment, but to urge you to be cautious and do everything you can to find the proper help and support that you need instead of someone who's just going to hear "hears voices" and shoves some pills down your throat. (Let me be clear, I'm not trying to say that mental illness should never be treated with medication, and I'm certainly not qualified to say whether you need it or not. But I do believe that those medications are frequently abused and too many doctors use them as a bandaid instead of looking for possible better treatment options. Sometimes they're needed, but sometimes it's like putting you in a full-body cast to treat a broken wrist.)

In any case, using tools such as keeping a journal of the voices might be helpful to you in sorting out the what's real from the what's not real, and may also be the sort of thing that might, someday, help to show a mental health professional that you're not just a raving loony, even if you have to really edit some parts down because not everyone is going to hear something like "I had this meditative vision where Apollo tied me to a tree and cut me up and ripped my skin off" and respond with something as perfectly calm and rational as "Wow, that sounds intense. Does that mean something in particular to you?"

Good luck, I hope you are able to try to start to sort things out, and remember- just because you have a mental illness, does not mean that you can't also have genuine experiences with the gods. It's a fairly common believe in many ancient societies that the mentally ill are somehow touched by the gods. It's also not terribly uncommon in contemporary times to find people who believe that those who are mentally ill, or who have suffered some sort of great trauma in their life may be more likely to be able to have such strong interactions with the gods for some reason or other. The difficult part is sorting out what differentiates the gods from other voices.

Okay, this was a much longer replay than I expected...lol Let it never be said that Fiamma is a woman of few words, hehehehe

That is a loooooong post. 
But a nice material for reading...
Hm...
First about mental health professional...
I visited psychiatrist in less then a year, 3 times.
A clinical psychologist diagnosed me with schizotypal disorder, and sent me to psychiatrist for psychotherapy, diagnosis check and medication...
My psychiatrist freaked out when I tried to say that I can speak with Gods...
I couldn't be quite honest with him, because this is Serbia, people are VERY conservative, and hate, hate pagans...
He wanted me to get into the hospital, to be treated with "potent antipsychotics, because of nervious break down, and perceptual disturbances manifested as auditory and visual hallucinations + ideas of reference..."
Of course, I didn't go to hospital, because I'm sure I'm not so insane as he thought after telling him about communication with Gods...
So I can't relay on any doctor here, not at all...
Second.
I am writing diary since I was 12, it's a habit for me, I like to track my changes, behavior, because my life is so boring, and diary helps me to believe my life isn't so boring, because I write a lot on daily basis...
I noticed that same thing like you, when Gods really are talking to me, I get some strong emotions, feeling like someone is hugging me, but not as an hallucination, bodily illusion, but warmth in heart...
Third.
Gods usually talk with me about some things about my life, about ordinary topics for me, and I'm fine with that, but probably as part of my disease, I bother Gods, and myself with constant, obsessive thinking and talking about doomsday...
I know people think I'm crazy (and I'm not quite sane anyway), but I can't control it, and I'm sure I project God's stories about doomsday, that it's soon, and etc...
I also have sort of depersonalization, as part of my m disease, and often second guess myself and my experiences...
There is no real way to know is it really happening, or not, because I often second guess who I am, what I am etc, and of course my experiences with Gods...
But anyway, I believe They are speaking with me often, and as far as I know, as long voices are not provoking suicidal or homicidal ideas, it's all okay...
Again, thanks everyone for replaying.
God's bless you.

[fiamma]

I would point out that "beneficial" does not always mean "good and fluffy".  Healing is not always gentle.  (I could swear you've pointed that out to me yourself, but maybe I'm misremembering.  Or perhaps I'm misunderstanding what you're trying to say here.)

Yes...lol...you're very right. And seeing as that has been the main focus of my relationship with Apollo for quite some time....yeah. Though, I thought I did mention that somewhere, I guess I missed it. I say so much sometimes, I have a hard time keeping track of it all..lol

[moonclock]

Thanks everyone for replaying...
Randall, I share your opinion about this...
Gods really are emotional and sensitive...
It's like meeting a stranger...
You met two people in the street, and for no know reason, you like the one of them, but you dislike the other person...
I think that the same can be applied, considering God to Human relationships...
Firstly I thought it just can't be truth, but then, when my patroness Hecate told me that Apollo and Hera don't love me at all, some things rushed in mind...
Memories...
In the hardest times of my life, both psychical and physical, I used to pray to Apollo, God who I favored the most since my childhood, and to Hera, a Goddess with attitude...
Hecate explained to me, that I should avoid praying and asking for help, the Gods and Goddesses that don't like me much...
Because it's considered "a sin", bothering, and provoking their wrath...
I realized that even my most honest and noble sacrifices, offerings were disposed and ignored, when I tried to soften Apollo's heart, and hearts of some other deities...
It's very hard for me, knowing that some deities I love for years (like Apollo) have a very bad emotions toward me, even though I didn't do anything that could provoke their anger and wrath... :/

Oh hun. I'm a devotee of Hecate. She is my goddess mother and I am Her priestess. Knowing her intimately, she would never, EVER tell you to avoid praying to the gods and goddess of her own family, the family of Olympians. And she would never ever tell you that it's a sin to do so. This mental thinking of Sin is Catholic/Christian thinking.

Stop trying to please the gods. If you please the gods too much, you end up pleasing no one. Apollo himself taught humans to take care of their health. "Nothing in excess." He gives visions and futures to his priestesses and priest.

If you have a mental disorder, I believe the real god, Apollo, who is a loving father god to his devotees, would love you to reevaluate your negative behavior and seek help about your chemical imbalances. He father his children of health: Epione (Soothing), Hygeia (Good Health), Panaceia (Curative), Aegle (Radiance), Iaso (Healing), Aceso (Cure) and Telesphorus (Accomplisher).

It just buggered me in how he hates you for something you didn't do or you have no idea of what you did? He inspired humans to create songs and art. He teaches culture. The Apollo that you speak off is not the Apollo I adore and love with respect.

Really, it helps to look into reality and not in fantasy. The gods are conscious and have emotions and feelings, but they are immortal. They got better things to do than hating one human, like helping others, guiding lost souls, and taking care of the deceased. Sometimes, having chemical imbalances in the brain messes up your thinking and you couldn't connect to the deities properly.

[Anteros]

Oh hun. I'm a devotee of Hecate. She is my goddess mother and I am Her priestess. Knowing her intimately, she would never, EVER tell you to avoid praying to the gods and goddess of her own family, the family of Olympians. And she would never ever tell you that it's a sin to do so. This mental thinking of Sin is Catholic/Christian thinking.

Stop trying to please the gods. If you please the gods too much, you end up pleasing no one. Apollo himself taught humans to take care of their health. "Nothing in excess." He gives visions and futures to his priestesses and priest.

If you have a mental disorder, I believe the real god, Apollo, who is a loving father god to his devotees, would love you to reevaluate your negative behavior and seek help about your chemical imbalances. He father his children of health: Epione (Soothing), Hygeia (Good Health), Panaceia (Curative), Aegle (Radiance), Iaso (Healing), Aceso (Cure) and Telesphorus (Accomplisher).

It just buggered me in how he hates you for something you didn't do or you have no idea of what you did? He inspired humans to create songs and art. He teaches culture. The Apollo that you speak off is not the Apollo I adore and love with respect.

Really, it helps to look into reality and not in fantasy. The gods are conscious and have emotions and feelings, but they are immortal. They got better things to do than hating one human, like helping others, guiding lost souls, and taking care of the deceased. Sometimes, having chemical imbalances in the brain messes up your thinking and you couldn't connect to the deities properly.

Thank you for replaying, I value your opinion, because you are priestess of Hecate, and you know Her better than me...
This is such a mess, and now I feel stupid because I started this topic without first considering that I may be wrong... 
And after your post, I must admit that I am wrong for sure, because things you wrote, have sense...
I loved Apollo since first years of my life, when I saw a book about mythology...
But why, why did he let all craps happen to me...
After these posts, I am not sure that I'm able to recognize, are things I hear really from Gods, or from my pathological state of mind...

[LuciaStar]

The most confusing situation, which Hecate gave as an example:
Both Dionysus and Apollo dislike me...

Now, I could be wrong about this but it seems... unlikely to me that Dionysus would dislike you? My guy is a God of Madness so I can't see him downright disliking someone, especially if the person has a mental disorder? In mythology, he was driven mad by Hera and was eventually cured by Cybele (and taught him the mysteries). So.. it feels off and doesn't feel in his nature?
/twocents

I hope for the best for you. That's... all I can really say or do, I feel.

[Anteros]

Now, I could be wrong about this but it seems... unlikely to me that Dionysus would dislike you? My guy is a God of Madness so I can't see him downright disliking someone, especially if the person has a mental disorder? In mythology, he was driven mad by Hera and was eventually cured by Cybele (and taught him the mysteries). So.. it feels off and doesn't feel in his nature?
/twocents

I hope for the best for you. That's... all I can really say or do, I feel.

Good point, I forgot that part of mythology concerning Hera's anger toward Dionysus, which caused madness...
I agree with you, in this case it would be natural for me, to be "favored" by Dionysus, and maybe I am, but don't realize it...
That vision, with Hecate, confused me abnormally...

[SeaShine]

I've been a devotee of Apollo for 6 years now, and although He's not a "fluffy" god, He is most certainly a kind one.  Based on my experience, I can say with confidence that He does not hate you.  Of course, I cannot speak for Him, but I strongly feel that I am not wrong.   

He is, as someone else mentioned, a god of healing (Iatros).  So, do not worry, friend. Just work on straightening things out... on healing yourself.  

[SeaShine]

I've been a devotee of Apollo for 6 years now, and although He's not a "fluffy" god, He is most certainly a kind one.  Based on my experience, I can say with confidence that He does not hate you.  Of course, I cannot speak for Him, but I strongly feel that I am not wrong.   

He is, as someone else mentioned, a god of healing (Iatros).  So, do not worry, friend. Just work on straightening things out... on healing yourself.  

This response is for Anteros.  Sorry, automatically edited out the bbcode.  *Just read the rules*

[Sky Samuelle]

I choose this sub forum because everyone, no matter about religion, reads it...
I must say in the beginning that I have Schizotypal Personality Disorder, so I spend a lot of time thinking about Gods and Goddesses, and I speak with them a lot...
For few years, I worshiped many different Gods and Goddesses...
I was dedicated to Aset, from May to November 2010.
Also, in that time I worshiped: Djehuty (Thoth), Wesir (Osiris), Yinapu (Anubis), Amun, Sobek...
Suddenly, they left me alone, they just disappeared from my life.
I didn't hear a voice from anyone of them, no more prayers were heard...
Until yesterday.
Goddess Sekhmet talked with me, on my request and issue...
She told me, that Gods of Egypt never truly cared about me, and that it is time to move forward in life, to explore other religions, to love other Gods...
That's how my Egyptian story ends...
BUT here is the point, why I post this topic...
Recent days, I start to revive my old relationship with Hecate...
She was by my side in the worst nightmares of my life, in past years.
I was talking to Her about worshiping Her, and about many, to me, important subjects...
Then, she started to tell me the Names of Greek Gods and Goddesses, and name by name, does that deity loves me, or hates me...
I freaked out!
She explained, like Zeus loves me, and because of that, He rewarded me with some things...
Apollo hates me, and He punished me, by some things...
Whats the worst of that all, those words, told to me, by Hecate, have a real real sense!
Does anyone here had same experiences?
Do Gods really love us, and few hate us?

As a med school student I feel compelled to add that you should keep in account that paranoid tendencies are a central syntom in your illness. This is not to say that all of your visions are pure illusion - according Dion Fortune, mental disorders are often related to an uncontrolled opening of psychic centers, but the patient is unable to relate properly to the info he/she receives because his/her mental filters mess up the perception of the psychic message.

In other words, you might think of your psychic ability as a window and of your mental disorder as a fog - when the fog dampens the window glass, the shapes of what you can see on the other side will appear transformed in something they are not.

It's entirely possible that Greek and Egyptian gods don't care much for you, but it's unlikely that so many of them outright hate you - especially Dyonisos, who experienced fisthand madness and Apollo, who is a god of healing.

Keep in account that a sense of constant threat and persecution are a poignant characteristic of   Schizotypal Personality Disorder - it's possible that Hecate was trying to tell you that those Gods are not interested in you, but your mind interpreted this message in a way that was influenced by its illness.

If I was in your shoes, I would try researching and honoring gods of your homeland - they might be more responsive since we are usually closer to deities that are the closest to our cultural or ethnic roots.

[Anteros]

As a med school student I feel compelled to add that you should keep in account that paranoid tendencies are a central syntom in your illness. This is not to say that all of your visions are pure illusion - according Dion Fortune, mental disorders are often related to an uncontrolled opening of psychic centers, but the patient is unable to relate properly to the info he/she receives because his/her mental filters mess up the perception of the psychic message.

In other words, you might think of your psychic ability as a window and of your mental disorder as a fog - when the fog dampens the window glass, the shapes of what you can see on the other side will appear transformed in something they are not.

It's entirely possible that Greek and Egyptian gods don't care much for you, but it's unlikely that so many of them outright hate you - especially Dyonisos, who experienced fisthand madness and Apollo, who is a god of healing.

Keep in account that a sense of constant threat and persecution are a poignant characteristic of   Schizotypal Personality Disorder - it's possible that Hecate was trying to tell you that those Gods are not interested in you, but your mind interpreted this message in a way that was influenced by its illness.

If I was in your shoes, I would try researching and honoring gods of your homeland - they might be more responsive since we are usually closer to deities that are the closest to our cultural or ethnic roots.

Thank you very much for this replay.
I didn't think in that way, as described by you, that I interpreted Hecate's words in a wrong, pathological way...
Thank you for making it more clear for me.
I tend to analyze my personality a lot, but I never connected "God's hate toward me" with a symptom of some kind of paranoia...  
It really makes sense now...
I'll try to keep myself stable, and to control my senses, illusions...
It's good idea to try to honor Slavic Gods, because, they represent my ethnic pantheon...
But there is a problem, that there is a very little informations about those Gods, which makes things much difficult, in compare to Greek, Egyptian, Roman etc. Gods...

[Anteros]

I've been a devotee of Apollo for 6 years now, and although He's not a "fluffy" god, He is most certainly a kind one.  Based on my experience, I can say with confidence that He does not hate you.  Of course, I cannot speak for Him, but I strongly feel that I am not wrong.   

He is, as someone else mentioned, a god of healing (Iatros).  So, do not worry, friend. Just work on straightening things out... on healing yourself.  

Thank you for nice wishes.
After so many posts in this topic, from experienced people, with best wishes and hopes for me, I think I misinterpreted words from Gods, and made them much more serious, where uninterested God, became God full of wrath toward me...
I'll pray to Gods for help with my condition, but this time I won't call upon Apollo only, I'll ask lesser Gods for help too, like Panacea, Hygieia etc...

[Sky Samuelle]

Thank you very much for this replay.
I didn't think in that way, as described by you, that I interpreted Hecate's words in a wrong, pathological way...
Thank you for making it more clear for me.
I tend to analyze my personality a lot, but I never connected "God's hate toward me" with a symptom of some kind of paranoia...  
It really makes sense now...
I'll try to keep myself stable, and to control my senses, illusions...
It's good idea to try to honor Slavic Gods, because, they represent my ethnic pantheon...
But there is a problem, that there is a very little informations about those Gods, which makes things much difficult, in compare to Greek, Egyptian, Roman etc. Gods...

Have you every watched 'A Beautiful Mind', movie with Russel Crowe? It talks about a brilliant mathematician who suffered a schizotypal disorder, and eventually chose to learn to manage his illness without medical treatment. He was able to train his mind to distinguish his reality from his 'mirages' and eventually have a serene life.

If you say you are already keeping careful journal of your experiences, you are already starting on a vantage. The one more thing i can think of suggesting is researching your illness, so you are more informed on its syntoms and know what to expect- just be careful about picking a online medical resource.

[Anteros]

Have you every watched 'A Beautiful Mind', movie with Russel Crowe? It talks about a brilliant mathematician who suffered a schizotypal disorder, and eventually chose to learn to manage his illness without medical treatment. He was able to train his mind to distinguish his reality from his 'mirages' and eventually have a serene life.

If you say you are already keeping careful journal of your experiences, you are already starting on a vantage. The one more thing i can think of suggesting is researching your illness, so you are more informed on its syntoms and know what to expect- just be careful about picking a online medical resource.

I've watched it a long time ago, but I forgot that protagonist had schizotypal pd...
Thanks for reminding me of that, I'll try to make things better, and to improve my life.
It's very important for me to distinguish three things from each other : reality, deities, psychosis...
I'll start to explore my disorder, and I'll try to keep track on my thoughts and anything that could seem suspicious...
Thank you very much.
Gods bless you.

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