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Author Topic: Dysfunctional families of origin  (Read 5740 times)
Tana
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« Reply #15: June 13, 2011, 05:15:00 am »

You know, just if it doesn't defeat the purpose of the thread, I'd like to know how you cope with trying to cry in public and/or trying to apologize.

I'm asking because especially with apologizing I only realize a long time after the fact that what I should have done is just go up to the person in question and say "I'm sorry for doing/saying x". With my fiancé it's fairly easy to accomplish since we both live together, but, say, if I had an argument with a friend, I find it so difficult to call him/her and put things right...

It really takes time to get over the internalized pattern.
You just take on the things you see around you as a child.  Roll Eyes

I usually feel very uncomfortable, get a bit tied up and finally realize that now I really should re-think how to act.
It gets better with time, you start to see earlier when the pattern tries to take hold and sometimes you can stop it right there.

It's a lot of work to 're-programm' yourself tho' and you need a lot self-observation.
I work a lot with divination, like in: why am I feeling now like this? What is the reason behind what I've done?
And journaling, oh the tons of pages full of babbling, lol.

Helped me, your mileage may vary of course.  Smiley

Concerning crying in public... what do you mean with 'public' exactly?
I don't like to show everybody that just crosses my path how I feel, it's non of their business.

But if it is something severe, like when my dog had to go into a dangerous surgery, you bet I gave shit about someone see me crying in the vet's clinic. In fact me and my SO sat there crying.

I believe it has something to do with allowing yourself to be 'weak', soft, hurt and sore sometimes.
You don't need to be strong and keep up appearances all the time.

In fact think about it this way: most people around you don't give a damn about how you feel. They won't care and they won't help.
So why play the strong one, so just that they don't feel a bit uncomfortable or annoyed by the fact that you are a human, with emotions? *shrugs*


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'You had to repay, good or bad. There was more than one type of obligation. That’s what people never really understood.….Things had to balance. You couldn’t set out to be a good witch or a bad witch. It never worked out for long. All you could try to be was a witch, as hard as you could.' Terry Pratchett 'Lords and Ladies'

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harzgeist
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« Reply #16: June 13, 2011, 06:57:44 am »

Concerning crying in public... what do you mean with 'public' exactly?
I don't like to show everybody that just crosses my path how I feel, it's non of their business.

When I said "public" I didn't mean out on the street - cause I really don't give a damn what strangers think about me - but more in the sense of "when I'm with friends and aquaintances". I know that my friends love me for who I am, but still I find it very difficult at times to show them when I'm upset, especially when it's something immportant to me. If that makes any sense.
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« Reply #17: June 13, 2011, 07:59:18 am »

My father was English, and my mother grew up in the UK, and they have the stereotypical British issue with anything emotional. But I always knew I was loved.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my (English) SO, where I'd been talking about missing my siblings and hugging them etc.

Me: You mean you don't hug your siblings?

SO: No. *shudder*

Me: Well do you tell them you love them?

SO: It's not that kind of relationship really. It's implied.

Me: So what do you guys do when you meet??

SO: Well...we shake hands...
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Ellen M.
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« Reply #18: June 13, 2011, 08:29:53 am »

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my (English) SO, where I'd been talking about missing my siblings and hugging them etc.

Ha! I'm much the same way. I really, really hate being touched at all and only a few people are in my hugging bubble. (My parents, a few very close friends, that's about it.) I baffle everyone I meet, apparently. Grin
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Tiki
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« Reply #19: June 13, 2011, 01:16:35 pm »

You know, just if it doesn't defeat the purpose of the thread, I'd like to know how you cope with trying to cry in public and/or trying to apologize.

I'm asking because especially with apologizing I only realize a long time after the fact that what I should have done is just go up to the person in question and say "I'm sorry for doing/saying x". With my fiancé it's fairly easy to accomplish since we both live together, but, say, if I had an argument with a friend, I find it so difficult to call him/her and put things right...

Learning to apologize has been difficult for me, but the more I do it the easier it gets. I think it's especially important with my kids. If I'm wrong, I want them to know that I made a mistake and that I am sorry.
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Rocquelaire
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« Reply #20: June 13, 2011, 03:13:21 pm »

Ha! I'm much the same way. I really, really hate being touched at all and only a few people are in my hugging bubble. (My parents, a few very close friends, that's about it.) I baffle everyone I meet, apparently. Grin

I'm a bit of a contradiction in this respect. I hate being touched by anyone who is not in my hugging bubble (great way of putting it Cheesy) and I can't stand it when people I barely know want to hug me.The thing that I hated most about being pregnant was that the whole world suddenly thought my tummy was public property and that it was totally acceptable to touch my bump!

BUT I'm very affectionate with the people in the bubble. I love hugs with my family and close friends and I hug my daughter many times a day. It's one of my favourite things to do.
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SunflowerP
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« Reply #21: June 13, 2011, 06:36:17 pm »

I'm a bit of a contradiction in this respect. I hate being touched by anyone who is not in my hugging bubble (great way of putting it Cheesy) and I can't stand it when people I barely know want to hug me.The thing that I hated most about being pregnant was that the whole world suddenly thought my tummy was public property and that it was totally acceptable to touch my bump!

BUT I'm very affectionate with the people in the bubble. I love hugs with my family and close friends and I hug my daughter many times a day. It's one of my favourite things to do.
Doesn't sound contradictory to me - but then, I'm the same way.  I don't care to express affection when I don't feel affection; that just trivializes it.

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Monica M.
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« Reply #22: June 14, 2011, 01:40:55 am »

Ha! I'm much the same way. I really, really hate being touched at all and only a few people are in my hugging bubble. (My parents, a few very close friends, that's about it.) I baffle everyone I meet, apparently. Grin

Makes perfect sense to me. I hug noone except for my wee one who is still only 5 and my little sisters who are still children. I have to hug my older sister too but I hate it as it feels like a gross violation of my personal space.
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