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Author Topic: Divorce and your faith  (Read 11938 times)
High Adept Member
Last Login:February 23, 2020, 06:56:44 pm
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Religion: Priestess in initiatory religious witchcraft tradition
Posts: 2506

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« Reply #7: October 24, 2007, 10:21:25 am »

What does your faith say about divorce?  For example, is there a religious component of obtaining a divorce or otherwise formally severing a relationship?  If so, what?  Does your faith discourage divorce?  Does your faith specifically outline circumstances in which divorce is an optimal choice?

No particularly faith-based requirements. I am, however, extraordinarily glad for support in the idea that divorce was, in fact, the right thing to do in my particular situation. (Especially having come from a religious and cultural background where it's seen as somewhat shameful or at least a major disappointment.) It did a lot to help with immediate recovery.

My actual wedding did not involve any religious language (it was done by a co-worker with legal ability to marry.) My ex had issues with religious language, and I was only barely into my Dedicant year (hadn't started training, even) at the time. No vows before deity, only commitments to each other, and which did have an out clause.

I have very mixed feelings about things like couples counselling, based on my own experience. By the time we decided to separate, I didn't push for (or actually, now I think about it, even consider) counselling - but we'd already had a painfully hard year, he had lied to me by omission about something that could have had significant health consequences (but fortunately seems not to have), and I'm now pretty convinced that he flat out directly lied to my face in regards to a very specific question ("Do you know anything else about X situation you haven't told me?") about something else that could have had significant legal implications for him and by extension, for me. (We also *so* didn't have the money to pay for such a thing, basically due to some of his choices.)

I was tentatively willing (this was before I figured the direct-lie issue out, which is relatively recent), to give him a chance to repair the first problem, but had asked him for some actions to help convince me that he did, in fact, care about trying to work things out and addressing the specific issues involved. He flatly ignored the request. At that point, I basically went "Ok, well then." and came to the conclusion that the relationship not only wasn't salvageable (in part because how do you get back that kind of trust?) but that I didn't want to be around someone who would do those things and treat it that way anyway. (Someone pointed out the "Would you take this behavior from a friend?" guideline to me, and I went "No. Erm. Right. Need to do something about that.")

Two years, later, reflecting, I am glad of a religion that encourages me to use my brain on such things, rather than necessarily dictating a particular course of action or set of options. I was certainly talking to people I trusted (including my religious group leaders, but not *just* them) and getting advice, but I've been told by friends who are marriage and family therapists that given the specifics, counseling would likely not have made any difference except in raising our frustrations.

I did like how Minnesota handles the legal side. If you're like us (no kids, no property, assets under a certain amount), you've been married less than 7 years, and you both agree on how it's split, you fill out some paperwork, turn it into the county courthouse with a check, and you get mail back a month or two later certifying it.

If there's property over a certain amount (far lower than 'we own a house together': I think the limit was something like $30K) or kids involved, or any disagreement, it's a longer process, and you actually have to go in front of the judge (who apparently makes sure you really are both sure what you want, arbitrates any disagreements, and generally makes sure stuff is either fair, or fairly agreed to.) That seemed to recognise that there are factors that make getting out of the relationship (in purely legal terms) more or less complicated, and factoring them in reasonably sensible ways.

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