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Author Topic: Pretty Darn Excited (long, once again)  (Read 5723 times)
MojoDiva
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« Topic Start: March 24, 2007, 01:33:37 pm »

Wasn't sure where to post this, but this place seemed to work for just general pagan-y stuff happening in my life.

I'm pretty darned excited today.

Right before the move from Virginia to here (Kentucky, due to hubby's being sent to Gunatanamo Bay for 14 months) I came to all of you at the old board extremely confused and conflicted... so much so I had given myself a stress-related pain in the neck!  Hoping I didn't come off as a flake, I shared how I thought Isis was thwapping me. As soon as I admitted that the Goddess was trying to get my attention, my stress lifted and the neck pain and headaches went away.

Well, so did She. Even after I purchased an Isis necklace and a papyrus painting of the Goddess. The nerve of Her!  Wink

So, I thought perhaps it was just a wake-up call to get more active in religious workings and I started casting about for ways of adding diety to my home. I became a bit obssessed with Hestia... or the idea of Her, since I'm becoming more and more proud of my status as a homemaker. However, in the back of my mind I was still mourning the loss of Judaism and the peace I found as a Noachide. Living under the Noachide Laws really did work for my family the past three years... in fact, in all honesty, the relationship I forged with HaShem helped me save my marriage. My husband has remarked on several occasions that we are blessed by Him.  Quite a shocking statement from a man who didn't even like discussing religion or God at all just five years ago. He felt it was a waste of time. Now, here he is, bringing up God and his own religious beliefs with me without me starting the conversation. If that isn't a miracle..... well, you know. My husband's acknowledgement that he was no longer a Christian was a major leap for him three years ago.

My beautiful painting of Isis began making me feel a little uncomfortable a few weeks ago. I stopped wearing the Isis necklace as well. Because I am stubborn, I haven't removed the picture yet and I even made some noises to Isis, hoping to feel something.... anything....nope, nada, zilch.

I started sneaking furtive glances at Noachide forums. I would start feeling the old stirrings again and then wake the next morning just more confused. I began berating myself for a flake (again) and asking myself what my malfunction was.  Then my oldest left for boot camp and I bought him a copy of the Tanakh- I felt *driven* to do it. He decided not to take it and I was actually glad, because now it was mine. Decided to read it over the next year as a project and try to figure out what was going on in my head.

During this time I was also reading about Hellinismos and Celtic Reconstructionism. Hubby and I both have Scottish & Irish origins and both of us love Greece (its always at the top of the list to visit when we start travelling after retirement).  I kept waiting for the 'magic' to happen and I felt no pull at all... except, like I said, from Hestia.  It was a very small pull, but it was there. So I started wondering if perhaps its not another diety I was really searching for, but a more balanced approach to God- accepting those aspects of masculine and feminine in myself and diety. 

When I became a Wiccan many, many moons ago, I still believed in One God... I just saw God as both feminine and masculine. However, I swung heavily towards Goddess.... the masculine I barely acknowledged in all honesty. I had major issues with men and I know now that I was reacting to that. When I shifted from Wicca to a more generalised paganisim, I still remained monotheistic in my thoughts. Which is probably why I felt such relief when I found Judaism then learned about the path of the righteous gentile. Finding Judaism, I swung heavily towards the masculine.  During this time I feel I had repaired my relationship with the masculine God. I feel no animosity towards seeing divine as male, anymore. For me, this is a Good Thing. Very healing for me.

I am feeling I had to go through this learning period to figure out my own prejudices (right or wrong) and fully  realize my own core beliefs.  Having my husband along for the ride is a major plus.   The birth of my last child really brought this into focus for me-- I will be giving him religious instruction that my older children did not receive.  I no longer feel I shouldn't push them one way or another... it is my right as a parent to fill up my children with those life lessons and values I hold dear.  I was extremely wishy washy about that until now. No longer. I believe this is why I also 'hit the panic button' so to speak, when I had this last religious identity crisis.  I want a foundation for my family to build itself up on.

This past week I have struggled with God.... or rather I have struggled with myself and HaShem has just sat back and watched, probably with a small smile.  I acknowledged this week that my loyalty is to HaShem... my family has been so blessed by our faith, that I honestly do feel an allegiance and a debt. Does this make sense?  Even with this feeling, I still felt restless and decided to try to figure out how I could live a pagan-y life with the God of Abraham.  I'm sure that it sounds whacked out, because even I gave myself a mental slap when the thought first ocurred.  However, not being a Jew placed me in a unique position... I have 7 laws to follow as a righteous gentile (66 if you get technical and if you follow Orthodox thought) and in my mind, as long as I take no other gods before HaShem, I'm pretty golden.   I started wondering how I could work the Wiccan wheel in this type of thinking....and came to the forum to ask a question only to stumble upon the answer by accident.

I was reading the thread "Pagan Religions: A list" when someone mentioned something I had not heard of before-- Jewitchery. My eyes bugged out of my head. I put them back into place and did a search on it. Found it...read a bit, did searches on Semetic paganism and Jewish pagans....

I am just thrilled to pieces.  Although I am not Jewish, I am a Jewish-leaning pagan and the messages I have read so far from Jewish pagans have me feeling that magic moment I have been waiting for.  I've already been accepted to an e-list and I'm trying to read everything I can (with a toddler climbing on me hehe).  I am ordering "Magical Judaism' from Amazon this afternoon as well as "The Hebrew Goddess."

What I like so very much is the acknowledgement of the feminine AND the masculine as a matter of course. Its feeling very balanced to me and fulfilling the need I have for ritual and religious observance.  I can worship God as I wish and know that I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE and I am not a freak.  God knows my intent, HaShem knows my heart, and that is what matters.  I mentioned Hestia earlier, and how I felt the pull to the idea of a hearth goddess.  One of the aspects of Jewitchery I am so drawn to is calling on The Shekinah, the feminine attributes of the presence of God, to dwell in the home. Looking at God in this way feels transcendant to me... maybe its mundane for others, but its something I either missed or skipped over it in my first forays into Judaism.  I do recall an Orthodox man mentioning it to me when I was part of the Countermissionary forum staff on Delphi a long time ago... but I do know I was being extremely anti-pagan/idolatry then in my fervor, which may be why I dismissed it.  Ah well....

All this boils down to is that I am finding my way.  Once again, being a member of The Cauldron was instrumental in that.  This is still the best damn resource for pagans on the net, in my estimation.
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« Reply #1: March 24, 2007, 04:40:05 pm »

All this boils down to is that I am finding my way.  Once again, being a member of The Cauldron was instrumental in that.  This is still the best damn resource for pagans on the net, in my estimation.

I'm glad to here that, my friend. You have been searching hard for a long time.
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« Reply #2: March 24, 2007, 11:13:49 pm »

Thanks so much, Randall. 

The people of this forum make it so great. The diversity here is what makes it such a valuable resource for people like me. 

I'm so happy I came back.
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« Reply #3: March 25, 2007, 07:03:14 am »

All this boils down to is that I am finding my way.

It's a good feeling, isn't it?  Smiley
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« Reply #4: March 25, 2007, 12:34:03 pm »

It's a good feeling, isn't it?  Smiley

Yes, yes, and yes!

Smiley
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« Reply #5: March 28, 2007, 04:49:28 am »



All this boils down to is that I am finding my way.  Once again, being a member of The Cauldron was instrumental in that.  This is still the best damn resource for pagans on the net, in my estimation.

That's great.

The Shabbot (I think it's called), is welcomed by the ritual in the home of Jewish women doing the Shekinah ritual.  It's very beautiful as far as I remember.  I know there are sources on it, but I can't remember what they are at the moment. 

Good luck with Jewitchery. 

Will you incorporate Isis into this? 

What is a Noachide? 

What does HaShem mean? 

::doesn't know much but the bare basics of Judaism:: 

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« Reply #6: March 28, 2007, 02:49:05 pm »

That's great.

The Shabbot (I think it's called), is welcomed by the ritual in the home of Jewish women doing the Shekinah ritual.  It's very beautiful as far as I remember.  I know there are sources on it, but I can't remember what they are at the moment. 

Good luck with Jewitchery. 

Will you incorporate Isis into this? 

What is a Noachide? 

What does HaShem mean? 

::doesn't know much but the bare basics of Judaism:: 


I will probably not incorporate Isis into this, although when I think of the feminine aspect of God, I do see the image of Isis. 

The Shabbat rituals are beautiful to me as well, especially the blessing of one's children, and I am going to incororate that with my littlest one. My 12 year old is uninterested. So far.

A Noachide is a gentile (non-Jew) who lives by the 7 laws of Noah. Chabad also calls us Bnei Noach (children of Noah) or righteous gentiles. I've lived this way for several years now. It really worked for my family, we've never been happier and I know I have the urge to not upset the apple cart. hehe

HaShem literally means 'The Name' and was used as an alternative to the Tetragrammaton, YHVH, the unspeakable Name of God.  HaShem is used in place of saying THe Lord, or Adonai, or other names as a protective measure so no one would try to speak the Name of God (its a big no-no, as I believe only the priest in the Holy of Holies knew how to say it properly and that knowledge has been lost to time, as its usage was supressed by earlier sages.

I must go my toddler is all over me. I will post more tomorrow!
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« Reply #7: March 30, 2007, 03:53:12 pm »

And two days later I find myself just as confused as ever.
I must be a SchizoPagan.
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« Reply #8: March 30, 2007, 03:56:07 pm »

And two days later I find myself just as confused as ever.
I must be a SchizoPagan.

maybe you need to create a path, instead of trying to find one already laid out?

maybe what you need just doesn't exist yet.
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« Reply #9: March 30, 2007, 06:24:39 pm »

I feel that way sometimes... that what I'm seeking doesn't exist.

Today's confusion was caused by receiving my son's letter. Did I immediately pray to HaShem for help? NO... I started going through dieties in my head who *I* could petition for help. The last time I did that I was an eclectic pagan who was extremely uncomfortable dealing with multiple dieties. This time, though? No discomfort and Isis made another appearance... maybe She's pissed I put her painting in the closet a couple days ago. She's been hanging over my bed since the first week we arrived in our new home.

I think I am struggling with my new acceptance of other dieties as seperate entities. I was once so strongly monotheistic... now I'm finally understanding them as individuals. I even see HaShem as an individual and not the One True And Only God.

I will be honest that I have been casting about for a religious path that is neatly laid out for me. You may be correct and I may actually have to work *GASP* on it.

It just now ocurred to me that Isis's silence could be directly related to me just sitting here waiting for Her to show up. Oh...and should I mention I dreamed awhile back that I found a temple with other women worshipping at the base of an idol that was almost exactly like my painting. When they asked me who the figure was, I answered "Aset."

Another thought... the resurgence into grasping back at Judaism happens soon after arriving in my parent's town and spending time with them daily. My mother referred to me as Jewish a few weeks ago and I think I started sneaking in on the Bnei Noach websites that very day. Good Gods, I've fallen into the 'must be something acceptable' trap again, I think....
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« Reply #10: March 30, 2007, 08:01:29 pm »

I feel that way sometimes... that what I'm seeking doesn't exist.

Today's confusion was caused by receiving my son's letter. Did I immediately pray to HaShem for help? NO... I started going through dieties in my head who *I* could petition for help. The last time I did that I was an eclectic pagan who was extremely uncomfortable dealing with multiple dieties. This time, though? No discomfort and Isis made another appearance... maybe She's pissed I put her painting in the closet a couple days ago. She's been hanging over my bed since the first week we arrived in our new home.

I think I am struggling with my new acceptance of other dieties as seperate entities. I was once so strongly monotheistic... now I'm finally understanding them as individuals. I even see HaShem as an individual and not the One True And Only God.

I will be honest that I have been casting about for a religious path that is neatly laid out for me. You may be correct and I may actually have to work *GASP* on it.

It just now ocurred to me that Isis's silence could be directly related to me just sitting here waiting for Her to show up. Oh...and should I mention I dreamed awhile back that I found a temple with other women worshipping at the base of an idol that was almost exactly like my painting. When they asked me who the figure was, I answered "Aset."

Another thought... the resurgence into grasping back at Judaism happens soon after arriving in my parent's town and spending time with them daily. My mother referred to me as Jewish a few weeks ago and I think I started sneaking in on the Bnei Noach websites that very day. Good Gods, I've fallen into the 'must be something acceptable' trap again, I think....

It sounds to me that even if you find a path that works, you're going to have to FIND it.  Not have it find you.

And it sounds like you're going to need to find a path that accepts HaShem as the center (or A center) of your worship.
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« Reply #11: March 30, 2007, 10:53:07 pm »

Well, my God *is* a jealous God.

 Grin

Therein lies the struggle for me-- I still have the idea stuck in my head that you worship HaShem and ONLY HaShem or there will literally be Hell to pay.  However, I can't deny that there are other dieties that hold their appeal to me (Isis, Odin, and Hestia for the most part... heh quite a little group there). Every so often I feel them or feel myslf reaching out to them... and I instantly feel guilty.

I'm still reading things written by other Jewitches, so maybe it will all become clear for me about how they handle that (if they do).
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« Reply #12: March 31, 2007, 07:59:14 am »

Well, my God *is* a jealous God.

 Grin

Therein lies the struggle for me-- I still have the idea stuck in my head that you worship HaShem and ONLY HaShem or there will literally be Hell to pay.  However, I can't deny that there are other dieties that hold their appeal to me (Isis, Odin, and Hestia for the most part... heh quite a little group there). Every so often I feel them or feel myslf reaching out to them... and I instantly feel guilty.

I'm still reading things written by other Jewitches, so maybe it will all become clear for me about how they handle that (if they do).

Well, and there's always the option .. have you asked Him?

Could well be as long as you hold Him *first* He'll be okay with you dealing with others as well.  Or maybe not.  But it can't hurt to ask! Cheesy
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« Reply #13: March 31, 2007, 03:48:01 pm »

And two days later I find myself just as confused as ever.
I must be a SchizoPagan.
Suggestion:  not so much with the "oh, I've found you at last, O Perfect Path" enthusiasm.  Enthusiasm and excitement are good, but it seems to me that when you find something that speaks to you, you jump to the conclusion that it's the answer to all your questions, the solution to all your seeking.  So it could become, but finding it isn't the end of the quest, it's just the beginning - whether something already existing is right for you, or you build it yourself, yep, you'll have work to do.  It speaks to you?  Good - then let it speak to you, and learn from what it says.  That's a process, and takes time and effort.  I suspect the biggest effort, the hardest work, will be in letting go of the expectation that simply finding it will put an end to the questioning; once you've done that, it won't be nearly as difficult as you fear.

I hope I haven't overstepped in my bluntness.  That's the pattern that has emerged to my perceptions in your posts; I may have the wrong end of the stick (inadequacies of text-only communication and all that).

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« Reply #14: March 31, 2007, 10:43:38 pm »

Well, and there's always the option .. have you asked Him?

Could well be as long as you hold Him *first* He'll be okay with you dealing with others as well.  Or maybe not.  But it can't hurt to ask! Cheesy

Hehe, this is true. I've always believed that God understands our hearts and our intent and THAT is the most important thing. I've also believed that God comes to us in many forms (which was why I was surprised by my recent acknowledgement that I could see the dieties as individuals-- the truth could be somewhere in the middle).

I think I'm going to get my gumption up and actually POST to the Jewithery forum and see how they handle this in their daily practice.
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