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Author Topic: "Pagan Newbie's Letter": (very long, but amusing)  (Read 5244 times)
RedWolf
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« Topic Start: February 13, 2008, 10:50:01 am »

Hello, all,

Here is something a relative of mine (who is also a witch) sent me.
Since I've had this on my computer for a couple years, it likely
has been posted. If so, sorry for the repeat; if not - enjoy!

"A Pagan Newbie Speaks."


Mary Meat One and All,

I have been lurking here for 26 minutes, and I thought that it was time to introduce myself.
 My name is Bastet RunningDeer MorningGloryMoonBeam SunSoar. I used to be just Bill,
but during deep meditation and astral projection, I met my spirit guide, who I believe is
Winston Churchill's mother while I was cooking marshmallows at my astral camp on Jupiter,
and he told me this should be my new name. I'm thinking now of legally changing my name to this. What do you think?

BTW, there really are giant squid that swim about in the heavy atmosphere of Jupiter.
Jovian giant squid are now my totem animal. It just feels right and we should always go with what feels right. Right?
Anyway, back to me. I've been officially pagan since last Thursday, but it seems that I have been living
my life in a pagan style since at least last Monday. I just didn't know that there was a name for it.

I just read "Covencraft" by Amber K and am thinking of becoming a high priest and starting my own  coven or grove or church or synagogue or temple.
I may be new to this path, officially at least, but I feel that it is the right thing to do at this point in my
spiritual development, and we should always do what feels right. Right?
It's okay, because just because I have only been pagan a little while in this lifetime, I have lived many lives
in the past as a pagan, and died at least 162 times when killed by Christian witch hunters for my beliefs.
It is probably more than 162 times, but those are all that I can remember since I started doing past life regressions yesterday.

I was always a Celt in my past lives. Well, almost always. Usually, when the witch hunters weren't killing me,
I was a king or queen of Ireland. The two exceptions that I have found so far are when I was incarnated as Cleopatra and as
Julius Caesar. This proves that we don't reincarnate linearly. I was both at the same point on the time line.
It was a very interesting experience, to say the least.

Anyway, I think that I qualify quite well as an elder and a teacher.
The so called elders and teachers in the community think that I am just being silly and a little
strange, but that's just because they are jealous that I am a much more powerful witch and
warlock than they are.

My parents just won't understand this new path that I'm on. They think that the devil has taken
over my soul and refuse to listen to reason.
We don't even believe in the devil, do we? Or, have I been reading that wrong?
They keep trying to hold me from my spiritual path. They won't even let me have their credit cards
so that I can order all 29847 books on WiccaCraft and paganism from Llewellyn.com.
I really need these books and might as well just kill myself if I can't have them. I need to learn everything
I can about every single path, belief system and tradition in the world, and quickly, so that I an pick what
feels right to me from all of them. We're supposed to always do what feels right. Right?

While I'm here, can anyone help me with some advice or legal assistance? I am being constantly discriminated against.
My local community is conspiring against me and picking on me because of my pagan beliefs.
The school system is very Christian oriented, and they acted against my faith on a daily basis.
They tried to forbid me from bringing my athames to school. Hey, it's my religion and I should be able to practice it as I want, right?
And we witches and warlocks must always have our athames with us. It's written in ancient secret texts and scriptures.

They even went so far as to have me arrested and removed from school when I tried to show the principle how good and
nice my faith is by channeling many different spirits for her and talking in their tongues, and then putting two of my
athames right up to her eyes, just so that she could see that they were religious and not dangerous weapons.
It's not my fault that she got a couple little cuts. She shouldn't have screamed and jumped.
She scared me and interrupted the flow of voices from the otherworld.

It's not just the school though. I just had to cast a protective circle around myself and my home,
so I borrowed the neighbors car while he was sleeping, which felt like the right thing to do, and we should
always do what feels right, right?, and I drove three times around the block widow-shins to make my circle.
When I'm practicing my religion, there should be a provision in the law that allows this, right?
So the one way street laws should be set aside for me, otherwise it's just more religious discrimination.
And the people on the streets that I passed were hollering obscenities at me as I drove.
They must have figured out that I am a spiritual wiccawitch person. They even went so far as to call on
their god to damn me to hell, which we don't believe in anyway, right? We have the Summerlands which are
beautiful, and then we come back to life again.

The local law enforcement community is also out to get me. They keep coming around when I play my Nirvana CDs
at top volume so as to get in touch with my spirit. Nirvana is what Buddhists strive for, right? And Buddhists are pagans, right?
I just felt that I should explore their paths since we are really all of one spirit and it just felt right.
We should always do what feels right. Right?
They keep taking away my sacred marijuana, that I use to alter my states of consciousness.
The native Americans use mind altering substances, and they are almost just like witches and warlocks, right?
I think they passed the laws against marijuana just so that the church can stay in control of America.

My parents are a big part of this conspiracy. They keep forcing me to go to a psychologist.
I know for a fact that the psychologist is really an undercover Jesuit priest, and he is secretly striving to
perform an exorcism on me. I can't resist them right now, because if I don't go to see him, they say that
they will put me in the psychiatric hospital, where what they really do is drug you senseless and then brainwash you.

Now, I don't normally ask for magickal help, but this time I am desperate. I need a binding spell to kill Jimmy Halloway.
He is another that is attacking me just for my beliefs. I could have stayed in the broom closet, but I'm proud of my
beliefs so I tried to show his girlfriend Becky how beautiful and wonderful the Great Rite is.
She was only scared because she had heard so much Christian propaganda over the years and also didn't believe
that you can't get pregnant when you have intercourse during sacred religious rituals.
I had to even fight her because she believed that being nude and binding for initiation into the traditions is bad.
More Christian propaganda.


Where can we all go to be skyclad together and perform sex magick?
I've heard that this is the most potent type of magick there is, but whenever I ask the
pretend pagan elders about this, all they will say is that I have much to learn, and then
after a while, they ignore me.
They can fool some of the people with their titles, but not me. I know what is required to be a real witch.
It also feels right, and we should always do what feels right. Right?

Anyway, that's my intro. Nice to meet all of you. I hope that there are real witches and warlocks here
so I can teach them to grow into more powerful beings.

Is there a photo file on this list where you all have your skyclad pictures. I can't seem to find it.
Or, has the government conspired with the internet server people to limit us from this most important part of our faith?

Mary parting and have some more Mary Meat,


Reverand Bastet RunningDear MoonBeam SunSoar, High Priest & ArchDruid of the Sacred Temporal Temple of the 13 Moon Coven
« Last Edit: February 13, 2008, 11:48:22 am by RedWolf » Logged

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« Reply #1: February 13, 2008, 11:00:59 am »

Since I've had this on my computer for a couple years, it likely has been posted. If so, sorry for the repeat; if not - enjoy!

Actually, it was used in our newsletter a few years back, attributed to Dreamdancer:
http://www.ecauldron.com/cnc/cnc04mar1.php

Just a quick note, though...  When posting, please make sure not to leave blank lines between every line of text like that.  (There should be a space between paragraphs, but not between lines.)  It makes the message really hard to read.  This is often an issue when things are written in something else (like Word) and then pasted into the forum, so it's a good idea to use the Preview button to check your formatting.  Thanks!
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« Reply #2: February 13, 2008, 11:04:04 am »


Just a quick note, though...  When posting, please make sure not to leave blank lines between every line of text like that.  (There should be a space between paragraphs, but not between lines.)  It makes the message really hard to read.  This is often an issue when things are written in something else (like Word) and then pasted into the forum, so it's a good idea to use the Preview button to check your formatting.  Thanks!

I am sorry about that. I don't usually do that, but I thought I read in the rules to double-space.
I thought it seemed a strange thing to have to do, so I guess I misunderstood what was meant.

*Edited to add - I fixed it so it will be easier to read*  Wink
« Last Edit: February 13, 2008, 11:50:09 am by RedWolf » Logged

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« Reply #3: February 13, 2008, 11:38:06 am »

The local law enforcement community is also out to get me. They keep coming around when I play my Nirvana CDs
at top volume so as to get in touch with my spirit. Nirvana is what Buddhists strive for, right? And Buddhists are pagans, right?

ROTFLMAO!!

Thanks for that.
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« Reply #4: February 13, 2008, 12:48:59 pm »


Is it so wrong that I am tempted to join one of the forums mentioned in the "Atrocious Pagan Websites" thread and use this as my intro Cheesy
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« Reply #5: February 13, 2008, 01:01:49 pm »

BTW, there really are giant squid that swim about in the heavy atmosphere of Jupiter.
Jovian giant squid are now my totem animal.

I want one Cheesy
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« Reply #6: February 13, 2008, 04:18:21 pm »



Lol, that's really funny. I especially like the 'I've been Pagan since last Thursday' bit. Somebody's obviously had a lot of fun writing that.
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« Reply #7: February 13, 2008, 05:49:51 pm »


Reverand Bastet RunningDear MoonBeam SunSoar, High Priest & ArchDruid of the Sacred Temporal Temple of the 13 Moon Coven



Thank you.  In one fell swoop you have just restored my senses of humour and perspective, and evaporated my crankiness.  I needed that.

Absent

PS:  When we were testing a new board a couple of years ago I wrote an intro that ended up on the humour page here.  This is it:

http://www.ecauldron.com/humor72.php
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« Reply #8: February 13, 2008, 05:52:50 pm »



Thank you.  In one fell swoop you have just restored my senses of humour and perspective, and evaporated my crankiness.  I needed that.

Absent

PS:  When we were testing a new board a couple of years ago I wrote an intro that ended up on the humour page here.  This is it:

http://www.ecauldron.com/humor72.php


Lol. That made me laugh.
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« Reply #9: February 14, 2008, 10:24:42 am »


ROTFLMAO. zomg that was funny. Thank you for that. Smiley
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« Reply #10: February 14, 2008, 06:11:47 pm »

I never knew who wrote it, but I just found it absolutely hysterical.

Scary that I have actually encountered people like this.
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« Reply #11: February 15, 2008, 06:35:31 am »

"A Pagan Newbie Speaks."
Hey, I remember him!  He wanted me to be his teacher.  He lent me To Ride a Silver Broomstick (I wanted to know where in the Nine Worlds he was getting his screwy ideas from, though I didn't put it that way - in this instance, not from SRW; her inaccuracies are quite innocuous compared to a lot of his flights of fancy), and vanished, which is why I own, or at any rate have been in possession of for about 14 years, said book.

Not really, of course.  But some of the things in that humor piece were eerily reminiscent of that particular screwball (as distinct from the many assorted nuts I've encountered over the years).

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« Reply #12: March 06, 2008, 11:47:59 am »

I was incarnated as Cleopatra and as Julius Caesar. I was both at the same point on the time line.
It was a very interesting experience, to say the least.

Who says it's anatomically impossible?  Wink
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