I know this has come up on the board at some point in time. I also remember the response I had when I first saw the asinine "message" Always had printed on their adhesive strip. Looks like someone wrote a letter.
YEPPPP!!!!!!!!
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to
American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products.
She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007
Editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
And I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that
Maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
The Curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my
body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to
call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You
surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to
shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
Maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a
Happy Period.'
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never
be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and
lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local
Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a
blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
Something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular
Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take
my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
bull sh*t.
And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
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