Advice regarding a woman who wants to be a step-mother

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[leigh137]

Hi all! I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice. My daughter is almost 4, and her father and I have been apart since her birth. We don't live close together, and so visitation can be sporadic. About two years ago he started seeing a new girl. She immediately started trying to be "mom" to my daughter. She has made it clear that she wants to get pregnant, and apparently thinks if she proves to the Ex that she is a good mom to his exisiting kid then he'll consent to getting her preggers.
I am not sure how to address this without really offending her (she is very easily offended, as is the Ex). What I would love to do is sit her down, explain that my girl has a mom, doesn't need another, and that being a mom to her in a clinging fashion will not convince the ex to have another kid. Maybe ask her to back it off a bit and let things go more naturally. But whenever I start to have that conversation with her the ex gets his nose in it and gets all huffy.
Has anyone dealt with anything like this situation? I have no experience with step-parents and bio parents co-existing, and have no idea how to go about making that happen without feeling being hurt somewhere.
Any advice? 

[Starglade]

Do you mind if I PM you? I have some insights, but for reasons I'd rather not publicize, I prefer to PM or email them.

[leigh137]

Do you mind if I PM you? I have some insights, but for reasons I'd rather not publicize, I prefer to PM or email them.

Please do!

[wisdomsbane]

Hi all! I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice. My daughter is almost 4, and her father and I have been apart since her birth. We don't live close together, and so visitation can be sporadic. About two years ago he started seeing a new girl. She immediately started trying to be "mom" to my daughter. She has made it clear that she wants to get pregnant, and apparently thinks if she proves to the Ex that she is a good mom to his exisiting kid then he'll consent to getting her preggers.
I am not sure how to address this without really offending her (she is very easily offended, as is the Ex). What I would love to do is sit her down, explain that my girl has a mom, doesn't need another, and that being a mom to her in a clinging fashion will not convince the ex to have another kid. Maybe ask her to back it off a bit and let things go more naturally. But whenever I start to have that conversation with her the ex gets his nose in it and gets all huffy.
Has anyone dealt with anything like this situation? I have no experience with step-parents and bio parents co-existing, and have no idea how to go about making that happen without feeling being hurt somewhere.
Any advice? 

I really don't see a problem.  My stepson started calling me mom, even while he was living with his birth mom.  Kids tend to be pretty capable of understanding who is who, and especially if you are a good mother, and they only have visits with her, honestly I think you and your daughter will be fine.  My best advice, unless your child seems to be having problems because of it, I wouldn't say anything, really.  If there do seem to be problems your daughter is having, then explain this to her and to your ex.  Keep him in the conversations, too.

[leigh137]

I really don't see a problem.  My stepson started calling me mom, even while he was living with his birth mom.  Kids tend to be pretty capable of understanding who is who, and especially if you are a good mother, and they only have visits with her, honestly I think you and your daughter will be fine.  My best advice, unless your child seems to be having problems because of it, I wouldn't say anything, really.  If there do seem to be problems your daughter is having, then explain this to her and to your ex.  Keep him in the conversations, too.

I have tried, he is kind of hard to talk to, and we don't see them very often. I am going to try to open the door to a discussion this weekend with her though. Hopefully we can talk things through, and possibly bring him into the discussion when things are settled. Adding him in before then usually just leads to a lot of fighting, he takes everything as a personal insult. I am hoping that she and I can work something out, and clear the air. Having no hard feelings between us will probably help the situation greatly, and make it easier on everyone.

[Hufflee]

I'm going to take Starglade's idea and PM you.

[folksymama]

Hi all! I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice. My daughter is almost 4, and her father and I have been apart since her birth. We don't live close together, and so visitation can be sporadic. About two years ago he started seeing a new girl. She immediately started trying to be "mom" to my daughter. She has made it clear that she wants to get pregnant, and apparently thinks if she proves to the Ex that she is a good mom to his exisiting kid then he'll consent to getting her preggers.
I am not sure how to address this without really offending her (she is very easily offended, as is the Ex). What I would love to do is sit her down, explain that my girl has a mom, doesn't need another, and that being a mom to her in a clinging fashion will not convince the ex to have another kid. Maybe ask her to back it off a bit and let things go more naturally. But whenever I start to have that conversation with her the ex gets his nose in it and gets all huffy.
Has anyone dealt with anything like this situation? I have no experience with step-parents and bio parents co-existing, and have no idea how to go about making that happen without feeling being hurt somewhere.
Any advice? 

My oldest daughter's biodad and I were separated basically from the time she was born as well.  She's 10 now and has been adopted by my husband and has not seen her biodad in...probably five years.  There was a time, though, when he was still living nearby and getting her semi-regularly.  He had a girlfriend at one point and SHE was insistent that he get my daughter when scheduled.  I actually was thankful, because his GF was a lot more responsible than he was and it made me feel better to know that dd was in at least ONE set of good hands.  Plus, that was really the only time he actually fullfilled his visitation requirements, so it was, in all, a good thing.

However, this girl really had some mom complex thing going on.  She was blond, as is my daughter, and never hesitated to tell me how when they were out, everyone thought she was my dd's mom. 

ACK...I'll come back and add more later...children screaming....basically, I kind of just let it go, and it worked itself out.

[leigh137]

.basically, I kind of just let it go, and it worked itself out.

You know, it's funny, but biodad and I had a major blowup over him deciding with no notice that he was going to start taking dd overnight. Despite the fact that he had no bed for her and would have her sleeping on the floor, amoung other things. And since the blowup he hasn't been in contact. So I guess the whole step-mom thing is resolved, since he apparently has no desire to see his kid anymore. 

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