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Author Topic: The Coming Out Topic  (Read 14671 times)
Ghost Queen
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« Topic Start: January 08, 2009, 09:39:54 pm »

I am guessing most of us here were not born into Pagan families, so most of us have had to face the question of whether or not to tell our families and friends, and if so, how. So, a few questions:

1. Have you told your family what you believe? Why or why not? How much have you told them?

2. If you have "come out," how did you tell your family? How did they react?

3. If you haven't "come out" do you think you ever will? Why or why not?

For me, I have not told my family I've decided to be a Pagan. I've discussed some of my beliefs to them, but mostly the ones related to how the environment should be treated.  I have told my mom I know a few people who indentify themselves as Pagans, and when I told her, she didn't know what that meant, or even that there was such a thing, in the 21st century western world, as a Pagan. (My parents are not only Christians, but also missionaries. So telling them I converted to another religion might not go over so well. They were disappointed enough when I announced I was agnostic 8 years ago. And somehow I think they'd take it harder if I announced I was a polytheist than if I announced I was Jewish, for instance.)

Another reason I have not told my family is because I have not chosen my path yet or which deities I will work with. I know they will have a lot of questions and I do not feel well equipt to answer them at this point.

Will I tell them eventually?  I don't know. Right now, I'm not ready. It's an important enough part of my life that I wish I could share it with them. I know that if I do make contact with a deity and really connect with him or her, I will be very excited about it, and it will be disappointing not being able to share it with some of the most important people in my life. But it would also be disappointing sharing it with someone who thinks it's either silly or just plain evil.
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« Reply #1: January 09, 2009, 12:22:10 am »

1. Have you told your family what you believe? Why or why not? How much have you told them?

2. If you have "come out," how did you tell your family? How did they react?

3. If you haven't "come out" do you think you ever will? Why or why not?

1.  My household currently includes my husband, our two teenage daughters, and my parents (and 8 cats and a dog, but I don't think they care about my spirituality  Wink ) (oh, and my daughter's boyfriend is here so much, he might as well live here  Cheesy ). 

My husband, daughters, and the boyfriend are well aware that I'm pagan.  My older daughter was interested in paganism for a while, and did some of her own reading, primarily on Wicca, so she knows a bit about my beliefs.  My younger daughter doesn't know very much and couldn't care less.  My husband knows the most, but doesn't seem to care one way or the other.  We discuss it occasionally, usually when I bring the subject up.  Boyfriend knows whatever Daughter1 has told him, and whatever he's picked up from just hanging around.  We've never talked about it, but I would if he wanted to.

My parents are a completely different story.  I have not told them anything -- except that, now that I think about it, I think I might have told my mom that Daughter1 and I were going to "pagan camp" last summer, but she probably assumed I was going with Daughter1, rather than the other way around.  Cheesy

If either of my parents asked, I would not lie to them.  I would probably first try to dodge the question, but I would answer if they pursued.  Mostly, I worry about hurting them.  They are both lay leaders in their church and my brother and sister-in-law are both ministers.  So, yeah, they're very religious.  I think they would worry about my eternal fate, if I told them, and I don't want them to worry.

My brother and SIL live far away and I never talk to them.  I haven't talked to my brother in years.  I would definitely tell him I'm pagan -- but only to annoy him.   Wink

2.  I don't really remember "coming out" to my family.  They've just sorta always understood that I do some stuff they don't do and it's a spiritual thing.  No real "coming out" so no particular reaction.

3.  N/A

4.  I'm adding a question:  Have you told your friends, and how did they react?

I have told only one of my non-pagan friends.  Shortly after I got one of my tattoos, one of my best friends asked me if there was any meaning to it.  I sidestepped the question.  Then I felt terrible about not being honest with him, so I emailed him and explained the meaning of that tattoo -- which was especially spiritually related.  He basically just said, "Oh, cool."  It's never come up since.

My other close friends have never asked about my tattoos, or my spirituality, or anything like that.  That is probably because we've known each other since high school, so they probably think they know everything about me.  Cheesy  If we ever did talk about spirituality, I would tell them anything they wanted to know.  Who knows, one of them might have gone pagan, too.   Wink

One area where I would be especially careful is in the work place.  I have been close enough to co-workers to feel I could trust them with that kind of personal info.  Those few people have always been fine with it.  But I would not want to just go around telling anyone -- especially bosses.  And if asked, I would probably tell them they were crossing a legal line by asking, and leave it there.
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« Reply #2: January 09, 2009, 12:50:01 am »


I was baptised Catholic but raised agnostic and had no religious training at all while growing up. My mother and I would have religious discussions in my teens as I struggled to find my own path. She would've loved it if I had become a Christian, but she also knew that I just couldn't do that. I remember once when I was about 18 that she said that I was more inclined to believe in all the ancient Greek gods than I was to believe in the one Christian god and I said that was true. I guess that was my coming out to her, which was almost 30 years ago. My father didn't care what my religious beliefs were as long as I didn't become a Christian. He'd been born and raised a Southern Baptist, but he had left the church long before I was born. I don't know what made him turn his back on his church.

So my family has known for a long time that I was a Pagan. My brother is also one, though I don't know when he told our parents. Some of my friends know as well. Only select people know that I'm a Pagan. Living in the buckle of the Bible Belt, I'm careful who knows and who doesn't. If someone saw me on the street they wouldn't know that I was a Pagan. I do wear some Pagan jewelry, but you'd have to get mighty close to me to see that it was Pagan.
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« Reply #3: January 09, 2009, 12:52:55 am »

I do wear some Pagan jewelry, but you'd have to get mighty close to me to see that it was Pagan.

I wear a silver Bighid's cross.  To me, it's obviously for the *goddess*.  But I've met people who assumed I'm Catholic because of my *Saint* Brigid's cross.   Wink
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« Reply #4: January 09, 2009, 01:02:38 am »

1. Have you told your family what you believe? Why or why not? How much have you told them?

2. If you have "come out," how did you tell your family? How did they react?

3. If you haven't "come out" do you think you ever will? Why or why not?

Really, I have neither told nor not told my blood relatives, for the most part.  Because they don't care, it's none of their business, and it's not the sort of thing that we would talk about.  I've probably talked more thoroughly about religious stuff with my father's wife than anyone I'm related to -- because she's a theology professor and some sort of ordained, and so we have being religious in common, a factor I don't share with any of my near bloodkin.  (Leading to the fascinatingly hilarious comment when we were discussing the current state of pagan theology of, "OH!  You're like BAPTISTS!")

I discuss religious symbology with my mother, an artist; I discuss philosophy of a wide variety of religions with my father, who is fascinated by that sort of thing (and I gave him a copy of the Principia Discordia a few years ago).

I have never "come out" to any of my friends, because I have never been closeted.
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« Reply #5: January 09, 2009, 01:05:00 am »

Leading to the fascinatingly hilarious comment when we were discussing the current state of pagan theology of, "OH!  You're like BAPTISTS!

Oh, please elaborate!  Cheesy
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« Reply #6: January 09, 2009, 01:47:59 am »

I am guessing most of us here were not born into Pagan families, so most of us have had to face the question of whether or not to tell our families and friends, and if so, how. So, a few questions:

1. Have you told your family what you believe? Why or why not? How much have you told them?
2. If you have "come out," how did you tell your family? How did they react?

I told my parents.  They didn't believe me.  At least, not for years.
I told my brother and sister-in-law.  My brother didn't care; my SIL instantly assured me that she'd known a witch in high school and it was *so totally* okay that I was one, too.  [yes, she makes my teeth hurt, too]
I never told my grandparents.  They were committed Christians and quite elderly; the news would have frightened and angered them.  They did not need to know.

In the decades since then, I've explained myself in more detail to my parents and to my nephews.  My parents were cool with it; religion wasn't important to my father, and my mother is committed to individual revelation, because it happened to her.  The nephews were interested but only casually.

I can never tell too much; I'm Gardnerian, and oathbound. 

3. If you haven't "come out" do you think you ever will? Why or why not?

For a long time I hesitated, not wanting to introduce conflict.  It worked out much better than I anticipated; I was old enough [nearly 30] that my parents respected my adult judgment and knew my conscience:  my mom said that some of the terminology I used made her uneasy, but she trusted my moral judgment.  That made me feel good!


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« Reply #7: January 09, 2009, 02:06:13 am »

<re: pagan theology = like Baptists>

Oh, please elaborate!  Cheesy

I was having a ranty rant about the fact that so many mainstream (mostly neo-)pagans cannot be arsed working together a coherent theology or thinking through what their stuff means because hey, they have The Goddess on their side, and that's really all they need, right?  Nothing has to hang together, make sense, or be worked through systematically because there's The Goddess and that's everything.

This provoked the, "Baptists!" comment.  When I asked her to explain, she said something like:

"So Baptists do this form of ecstatic Christianity, and traditionally speaking have not had any serious theological codification of their beliefs, because they've got the Holy Spirit, and when you have the Holy Spirit you don't need anything else.  This is changing a little, though it's still a minority position, as some Baptists are feeling the need to actually be able to rebut arguments from a Baptist standpoint."

So Baptists have the Holy Spirit!  That's all you need!
And pagans have The Goddess!  That's all you need!

What's this "theology" thing? Wink
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« Reply #8: January 09, 2009, 03:52:51 am »

1. Have you told your family what you believe? Why or why not? How much have you told them?

2. If you have "come out," how did you tell your family? How did they react?

3. If you haven't "come out" do you think you ever will? Why or why not?

1. Not exactly. Most of my family and friends think I'm an agnostic or an atheist, I think, although I never officially told them that either. Since my religion is virtually indistinguishable from atheism, I don't really bother correcting them. Although I still sometimes go to church with my mother (to sing), she knows I don't take Communion and has never raised a fuss about it. (Neither has anyone else--several of the other choir members are Jewish and similarly abstain, so I'm not alone.) In any case, even if I were some more active strain of pagan, I don't think they'd care much. My parents went to the opening of a local interfaith center and chapel and mentioned to me that there were some "modern witches" there, and then were sure to point out to me that they had been very nice and had explained that they were not into cursing people, so even if they are a little unknowledgable, I doubt they'd be hostile.

3. It's not something I'd hide on purpose, but I have very few religious friends, and my family does not talk about religion. My sister and my mother are nominally Christian (in a liberal mainline denomination), but we've never had a discussion about belief. My father went from being nonreligious to actively atheist, and he's probably the person most open to discussing this sort of thing, but it's just never come up. You know the old saying about not discussing religion, politics, or sex amongst polite company? With the exception of politics, my family very much sticks to that advice. (I could tell my parents that I was a lesbian witch and they'd be fairly blase, but I think if I told them I had voted Republican, they'd have an aneurism.  Lips sealed)
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« Reply #9: January 09, 2009, 05:24:12 am »

Another reason I have not told my family is because I have not chosen my path yet or which deities I will work with. I know they will have a lot of questions and I do not feel well equipt to answer them at this point.

Will I tell them eventually?  I don't know. Right now, I'm not ready. It's an important enough part of my life that I wish I could share it with them. I know that if I do make contact with a deity and really connect with him or her, I will be very excited about it, and it will be disappointing not being able to share it with some of the most important people in my life. But it would also be disappointing sharing it with someone who thinks it's either silly or just plain evil.

I'm pretty much in the same spot you are.  My parents are deeply involved in a large church here, my dad's on the board of the church.  They definitely view anything pagan as being evil and of the devil.  So for the sake of our relationship, It's something I have to keep a secret at the moment.

My best friend kinda knows that I'm into paganism, when he was going to a job interview he sent me a text asking me to pray, chant or whatever it is I do haha.

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« Reply #10: January 09, 2009, 07:46:36 am »

1. Have you told your family what you believe? Why or why not? How much have you told them?

My immediate family knows--Mom, Dad, bro and his fiancee, Hubby.  Technically I haven't discussed it with my daughter (she's all of 17 months old right now), but I'm not hiding it from her either.  I don't think any of them knows a lot of specifics about my religious choices.  They know I'm pagan, and that's about it.  (Hubby obviously has a little more insight, living with me and all, but I think he's still a little fuzzy on the whole thing.)  If they wanted to know more, I'd tell them; this seems to satisfy them at the moment.

My extended family and my family-in-law do not know...  or at least I haven't told them.  (I can't swear that Mom hasn't leaked it to her siblings.  They're all bad at keeping secrets amongst themselves sometimes, especially she and the next-eldest sister.)  It's none of their business, really, and it's not the sort of thing generally considered material for polite discussion in these particular families.  Also, it would probably cause more trouble than it's really worth if I were to say anything.  I don't outright lie to them about it, and if Mom's told someone I don't care as long as they don't make a fuss over it, but I haven't said anything directly to them about it and don't plan to.

Quote
2. If you have "come out," how did you tell your family? How did they react?

With Hubby, it was a total accident.  I actually wasn't quite ready to tell him yet and just mentioned that I had been looking at information on Wicca (which was pretty much the extent of my knowledge of Paganism then), meaning to indicate a disinterested academic-type approach to research rather than a plan to convert.  He took it as a plan to convert, and since that was really the truth anyway I didn't contradict him.  He reacted poorly at first--he didn't speak to me all weekend--but once past the initial shock, he was willing to at least try to be tolerant.  Things were a little touchy for a while, but these days he's pretty comfortable with it and supportive and all that.  (For reference, his background is that he was raised in a very conservative Christian church, but had been starting to move toward a more liberal denomination at the time.)

Mom was the next one to get it.  I've always been pretty close to my parents, and it really distressed me to be hiding this from her particularly.  I knew Dad wouldn't care--he's not been Christian for longer than I've been alive, though I don't think even he is sure what religion (if any) he would call himself--but Mom is pretty committed to the Lutheran church and...  I just felt bad.  The pressure built up until finally I had a conversation with her which was very emotional on my side and very confused on hers.  She was disappointed, but accepting.  (Which I'd been worried about, but I should have known better.  See:  Dad.)

Dad and bro both found out from Mom, I think, and had no particular reaction that I ever heard of.  I later found out that bro had actually had his own coming-out talk with Mom within a few days of mine, though neither of us had known the other was headed that direction.  I felt pretty sorry for Mom when I realized we'd both jumped ship on her at the same time.  As for SIL-to-be, by the time she started dating bro my religious tendencies were common knowledge among the immediate family, so there was no coming-out talk with her at all.  (And she's semi-pagan herself, anyway, so I doubt she particularly cares.)
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« Reply #11: January 09, 2009, 08:48:04 am »

4.  I'm adding a question:  Have you told your friends, and how did they react?

I am on another forum, and the people on that forum know. Two years ago, when my ex boyfriend and I were first getting interested in each other, I told him I was interested in becoming a Pagan, and his reaction was something along the lines of "You mean one of those people who dances naked in the forest?"

My friend Anders is the only friend (not TC, that is) with whom I talk about my beliefs in any sort of detail. I don't even remember how I told him, just that he acted like it wasn't any more unusual than being a musician or liking a certain TV show or having red hair or whatever. But then again, I tell him practically everything... He asked me about what I did for rituals once. I was still learning how to do them, so I explained the best I could. He's not a Pagan himself, so I don't tell him absolutely everything about my search and my practice, just because he would probably ask questions and there are certain things I don't really know how to explain. I know he'd just ask out of curiousity and wanting to understand me better, but I wouldn't want to give him wrong information by mistake.
« Last Edit: January 09, 2009, 09:04:05 am by Ghost Queen, Reason: to clarify something that looked unclear when I came back and read it. » Logged

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« Reply #12: January 09, 2009, 09:00:05 am »

4.  I'm adding a question:  Have you told your friends, and how did they react?

I haven't explicitly told most of my (non-TC) friends, although most of them seem to have some sense of it.  For the most part, no one really seems to care one way or the other.  I have no real memories of telling most of the people who I'm sure I must have told, so they must not have had much of a reaction!  Grin  (Disclaimer:  Of these perhaps half a dozen people, at least two are pagan or pagan-ish themselves, and one of those somehow intuited my religious orientation before I told him anyway.)

My best friend from high school and I drifted apart not long after I told her.  I honestly don't know whether my change of religions was part of that or not.  It's possible; I hadn't thought she'd mind (she even read Tarot--pretty damned well--on a regular basis), but she had a streak of devout Christianity that came to the surface sometimes, and while that doesn't mean anything in and of itself it's possible that she wasn't comfortable with the choice I'd made.  It's also possible that it was just the straw that broke the camel's back.  Our lives were going in wildly different directions post-graduation, and I think we were finding it more and more difficult to relate to each other in general.  (I know she wasn't happy about my getting married, for example, even though she agreed to be my maid of honor.)  It's hard to say.
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« Reply #13: January 09, 2009, 11:50:04 am »

« Last Edit: Today at 10:04:05 am by Ghost Queen, Reason: to clarify something that looked unclear when I came back and read it.  »

Ghost Queen,

I understand wanting to clarify a fuzzy point, but we ask members not to edit for anything but minor changes, like spelling or grammar, more than a few minutes after posting.  Your edit was applied 15 minutes after your original post, by which time the original would have been read by several people on a board as busy as this one.  A new post had already been made in the thread at that point as well.

It seems finicky sometimes, but our edit limits are a major part of our rules.  If the point was fuzzy enough to require clarification it would have been better to make a new post, quoting the old, and put your clarification there.  You can review the edit rules and our reasons for them by clicking on the 'Rules' tab above.

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« Reply #14: January 09, 2009, 01:54:23 pm »

So Baptists have the Holy Spirit!  That's all you need!
And pagans have The Goddess!  That's all you need!

Ah, gotcha.  Makes sense...  Why be bothered to *think* about things?

Actually, this is the most frustrating thing about CR, I think -- the difficulty ascertaining a solid theology and cosmology.  Nothing written from the culture in questions makes it challenging.
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