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Author Topic: Worthy-ness, Spiritual Crisis, and a Kick in the Ass  (Read 22144 times)
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« Topic Start: April 28, 2007, 12:26:45 am »

Over the last few weeks, I've publicly played out here on TC's boards what has turned out to be a rather dramatic personal spiritual epiphany.  This is kind of strange for me, since I don't talk about anything like this IRL.  Even my husband has no clue about this stuff.  Unless he's reading without telling me, which is possible of course.

Anyway, since I started this as a public process, and since the comments and insight of so many Cauldronites have been so incredibly helpful and supportive, I figured I might as well go ahead and post this next chapter.

OK, well.  I've spent the past week in a major depression.  Some of you who have been in chats with me have had the "joy" of hearing me rant about this.  I lost my job a few months ago because of an organizational restructuring and have not yet found another one.  This followed right on the heels of a hysterectomy that was optional, in the sense that I chose to do it to alleviate severe pain, rather than because of a life-threatening situation, but was nevertheless bound up with issues of loss and grieving.  So, the last six months or so have been really hard on me.

A few weeks ago, as many of you have read in other threads, I had an experience that prompted me to acknowledge my dedication to Brighid, which has been very powerful.  I've written enough about that already, so I won't rehash it here, except to say that the episode in which I felt she directly communicated with me was very unexpected, unusual, and powerful.

Unfortunately, for the last week, I've...well...sort of lost myself.  It was triggered by my birthday, which was last Saturday.  My family neglected to celebrate it in any way.  Normally, I would have been hurt, but able to let it go.  But because I'm so depressed about the job stuff, etc., it just sent me into a downward spiral.  I felt worthless, useless, unloved, unwanted.  I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, but couldn't seem to get out of bed, cried all the time.  I was a mess.

Every night, I'd light my candles and ask Brighid to please, please, please help me out of this and especially help me with the job situation.

During this week, I had two phone interviews.  Neither went very well.  Surprise.  I also found out this afternoon that I'm out of the running for a job I had interviewed for last week.  Overqualified.

OK.  That was the setup.

So, tonight, I felt like I was pretty much at the end of my rope.  I've been eyeing a couple of bottles of prescription pain pills that I have left over from some things, and thinking that if I combine them...

And I lit my candle for Brighid, and as I did, I said my usual, "I give myself to you" -- or something to that effect.  And then I got this overwhelming, out of the blue, huge feeling.  There were no words, it was as if it was too big for words.  But if there had been words, they would have been:  "That's nice, dear, but I have no use for you in the state you're in.  Clean up your act.  Right now, you are not worthy of me.  I have no use for you like this.  Get over it so you can do My work."

It sounds so trite, but it was...awe inspiring.

It was like a light went on inside me.  And brought ME back.

I ordered pizza.  While I was waiting, I went outside and apoologized to Brighid for screwing up so badly and for treating myself and my family so badly, and poured out a libation of beer.

I know we have a couple of threads going right now about doubt and making things up and such like.  And, yeah, maybe I made that up.  Maybe my instinct for self preservation kicked in.  But, as others have said, am I hurting anyone by believing that Brighid spoke to me and literally saved my life tonight?  No.

So, OK.

I just wanted to share this with someone.  If anyone would like to comment or share similar expeiences, I'd love to hear them.
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« Reply #1: April 28, 2007, 01:00:09 am »

::hugs:: depression sucks, I've been there.

At one point, I think Morrigu saved my life. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I was hung up in a bad spot in a relationship with my friend (I don't want to get into the details about this, but basically, it was killing me mentally. I was somehow caught up in her strange delusions and it wasn't healthy.) and She sent me a dream in which She basically gave me the courage to get out of the situation. I knew what I had to do, after that, and I did it...and haven't looked back.
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« Reply #2: April 28, 2007, 04:23:26 am »

My Lady has taken a baseball bat to my stubborn head a time or two.  One that sticks out in my memory is the time She was mad at me because I refused to move beyond clinging to 'things'.  The day after our argument, my pentagram went missing.  I didn't panic at first; I figured that it fell off when I changed for bed.  As the winter days went by, I searched the entire house, tearing my bed room apart.  I was truely unhappy.  But as the months rolled on, I learned to operate in other ways, better ways. 

I sometimes sighed what I lost, but I had moved on.

Beltaine came and with it the first camping trip ritual.  We hauled out the family tent and set it up so we could sweep it out.  After all, we had last used it in August.  And guess what we found in one of the inside pockets?  My pentagram.

The interesting thing about this is that my pentagram went missing around Samhain, months after the tent went into storage.

::wry grin::

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« Reply #3: April 28, 2007, 08:36:23 am »

I know we have a couple of threads going right now about doubt and making things up and such like.  And, yeah, maybe I made that up.  Maybe my instinct for self preservation kicked in.  But, as others have said, am I hurting anyone by believing that Brighid spoke to me and literally saved my life tonight?  No.

I'll be honest. I almost always find claims of deities speaking to someone like this to be believable. Certainly much more believable than someone saying their deity told them to impose rule X on others or to do something nasty to others.
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« Reply #4: April 28, 2007, 10:36:26 am »


And I lit my candle for Brighid, and as I did, I said my usual, "I give myself to you" -- or something to that effect.  And then I got this overwhelming, out of the blue, huge feeling.  There were no words, it was as if it was too big for words.  But if there had been words, they would have been:  "That's nice, dear, but I have no use for you in the state you're in.  Clean up your act.  Right now, you are not worthy of me.  I have no use for you like this.  Get over it so you can do My work."

It sounds so trite, but it was...awe inspiring.

It was like a light went on inside me.  And brought ME back.

I ordered pizza.  While I was waiting, I went outside and apoologized to Brighid for screwing up so badly and for treating myself and my family so badly, and poured out a libation of beer.

I know we have a couple of threads going right now about doubt and making things up and such like.  And, yeah, maybe I made that up.  Maybe my instinct for self preservation kicked in.  But, as others have said, am I hurting anyone by believing that Brighid spoke to me and literally saved my life tonight?  No.

So, OK.

I just wanted to share this with someone.  If anyone would like to comment or share similar expeiences, I'd love to hear them.

First off, I don't think you imagined it.  I've had similar types of communication from my deities, no words, just feelings and you get the message.   And I agree with Randall on the believing you issue. 

I don't know if you like hugs, but I'm sending you one anyway. 

And I honestly have to say, your post has helped me.  My situation is different than yours, but the message of "clean yourself up, then come do MY work" is the same. 

So yeah.  Thank you. 

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« Reply #5: April 28, 2007, 10:53:46 am »

First off, I don't think you imagined it.  I've had similar types of communication from my deities, no words, just feelings and you get the message.   And I agree with Randall on the believing you issue. 

I don't know if you like hugs, but I'm sending you one anyway. 

And I honestly have to say, your post has helped me.  My situation is different than yours, but the message of "clean yourself up, then come do MY work" is the same. 

So yeah.  Thank you. 



I'm quoting SetAset so I don't get in trouble with the Quote Police  Wink  but I'm really replying to everyone.

Thanks for the hugs.  They are much appreciated.  While I am no longer suicidal, thanks to Brighid, hugs are still very helpful and make me feel much better.

And thanks for the believing, too.  I just turned 43, and I've never had anything happen to me like the stuff that has happened in the last few weeks.  I always thought I was extremely sane, logical, practical, and even cynical.  The kind of person this does not happen to.  So, I'm still struggling with the believing part.

And, SetAset, thanks for saying my post helped you.  It's weird to me that I feel so compelled to write about what's been happening.  I don't talk about it, and I've never been a journaler.  This is really the only online forum I've ever participated in and I'm not the "bare all in public" type.  But, for some reason, I keep feeling like I have to put all this down and get it out there.  Maybe that's part of the work I'm supposed to do.  I don't know.  But I'm running on the "might help and probably won't hurt anybody" theory.

As for me, I'm feeling much better this morning.  Much more like myself.  I didn't sleep at all last night -- for some reason, every time I closed my eyes, I saw dark pink, five-petaled flowers.  I have no idea what they were all about.   But I couldn't get to sleep.  But, even so, I feel so much better.
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« Reply #6: April 28, 2007, 12:21:30 pm »



And, SetAset, thanks for saying my post helped you.  It's weird to me that I feel so compelled to write about what's been happening.  I don't talk about it, and I've never been a journaler.  This is really the only online forum I've ever participated in and I'm not the "bare all in public" type.  But, for some reason, I keep feeling like I have to put all this down and get it out there.  Maybe that's part of the work I'm supposed to do.  I don't know.  But I'm running on the "might help and probably won't hurt anybody" theory.



I'm glad you are feeling better! 

I like that theory. 

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« Reply #7: April 28, 2007, 01:17:18 pm »

One that sticks out in my memory is the time She was mad at me because I refused to move beyond clinging to 'things'.  The day after our argument, my pentagram went missing.  I didn't panic at first; I figured that it fell off when I changed for bed. 

That's funny, the 'universe' used my pentagramm too to teach me a lesson. It was not about clinging to things, but about needing them to protect me.

When I got up one morning, I saw in the mirror that the silver chain was still around my neck, but the pent I bought 1986 in York, England and wore since then mostly all of the time was missing. I did panic, it was a time where I thought I was in great need of protection.

I looked everywhere, nothing. Then I calmed down, thought about it and then decided I did not need a thing like that to protect me, that I'd be my best protection - and yes, there it was again. On the laundry.  Cheesy

Since then I never again wore an amulet in the way of depending on it to do something for me.
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« Reply #8: April 28, 2007, 01:31:45 pm »

I know we have a couple of threads going right now about doubt and making things up and such like.  And, yeah, maybe I made that up.  Maybe my instinct for self preservation kicked in.  But, as others have said, am I hurting anyone by believing that Brighid spoke to me and literally saved my life tonight?  No.
So, OK.
I just wanted to share this with someone.  If anyone would like to comment or share similar expeiences, I'd love to hear them.

I don't think you made it up. (Even if...so what?)
I had a kind of a 'oh I'm so unworthy' crisis, summer last year.

It started raining - I went out to, don't know really - pray? cry? lament? All of the before. And then I got a similar thing - not really words, but something that turned out to be words in my head:

"Do you think I made a mistake? Do you really think this (which was a kind of a initiation short time before) had happend if I thought you unworthy? So you better stop thinking like this or I'll throw something at you."

This now makes me smile and laugh about myself and the way one sometimes is so blind to think his assess of a situation is the right one. That was quite a lesson.
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« Reply #9: April 28, 2007, 05:35:09 pm »


First of all {{{{{{Moon Ivy}}}}}}}.  We like you far too much for you to hurt yourself, so there! Tongue

As far as depression goes: I know.  I've been on prozac for a few months now because of my inability to deal with adulthood.  And it's amazing what breaking through can do sometimes.

I don't think you made it up.  I think you got a needed kick in the ass.  Sometimes we need those.

I got one recently.  For years and years, I've been asking for guidance as to "what I'm supposed to be doing".  Finally, recently, I got whacked on the head and told "you're doing it.  stop asking!"
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« Reply #10: April 28, 2007, 06:37:57 pm »

(((((((Moon Ivy)))))))

You'd mentioned your (then-upcoming) birthday to me, and I'd been going to email you a greeting for it, but I was pretty low-energy myself last week, and that was one of the things that "fell off the back end".  I'm really sorry I missed doing it.

I'm going to be a bit more direct than Tana was, and say that I don't think "unworthy" was the best word to transcribe what-the-words-would-have-been.  If you were flat-out unworthy, Brigid would not have chosen you in the first place (as per Tana's anecdote) - I think "unfit" would be closer.

As for how unusual it is for you to be so forthcoming about personal things - TC truly is a community; that most of us have never been in each other's physical presence is a trivial detail.

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« Reply #11: April 28, 2007, 11:08:55 pm »


(((Moon Ivy)))

I'll second what Randall said.

One of the nice things about deities is that they will tell us things we don't want to hear, but need to.

And I'm so glad you're doing better!

Betty  Smiley
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« Reply #12: April 28, 2007, 11:39:21 pm »

I don't think you made it up. (Even if...so what?)

I'll second what Randall said.

One of the nice things about deities is that they will tell us things we don't want to hear, but need to.

I'm going to be a bit more direct than Tana was, and say that I don't think "unworthy" was the best word to transcribe what-the-words-would-have-been.  If you were flat-out unworthy, Brigid would not have chosen you in the first place (as per Tana's anecdote) - I think "unfit" would be closer.

I don't think you made it up.  I think you got a needed kick in the ass.  Sometimes we need those.

I got one recently.  For years and years, I've been asking for guidance as to "what I'm supposed to be doing".  Finally, recently, I got whacked on the head and told "you're doing it.  stop asking!"

Thanks for the reassurances.  It still seems kinda unreal, although I've been through today as if a huge weight has lifted from my shoulders.  Very tired, and hoping for a night of actual sleep instead of flower-power insomnia, but basically fine.

The best thing about the Cauldron is being able to hear about the similar experiences that others have had.  So, yeah, maybe I'm nuts, but you're all nuts too, so it's OK.  Seriously, it's really, really comforting.

Sunflower, I do think your choice of words is probably better than mine was. This was about fitness, rather than worth.  It was about how I was -- or was not -- taking care of myself.  Someone in another thread quoted something (sorry, I can't remember who, what, or in what context) about being valued as the tool, not as the work.  If we see ourselves as the tools, we should understand how important it is to keep ourselves fit.  Of course, it would be easier to understand what "fit" means, if we knew what the work was...   Wink

(In my case, it's pretty obvious that it has to do with social justice, since that's what my entire professional career has been about.  Oh, and a little bit of geeky excitement:  a book for my research on interpreting Brighid through a social justice lens arrived today.  Good timing.)

And thanks for the hugs, too.  I really am over the dark time.  I've never been that far down, and hope to never be again.

I'm sorry if I've been coming across as needy -- or even just wanty.  I had a really strong compulsion to post about this whole string of events.  I don't know if it was for my benefit, or maybe for someone else's.  Or both.  Regardless, I do appreciate the support you've given me.
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« Reply #13: April 29, 2007, 01:32:42 am »

Sunflower, I do think your choice of words is probably better than mine was. This was about fitness, rather than worth.  It was about how I was -- or was not -- taking care of myself.  Someone in another thread quoted something (sorry, I can't remember who, what, or in what context) about being valued as the tool, not as the work.  If we see ourselves as the tools, we should understand how important it is to keep ourselves fit.  Of course, it would be easier to understand what "fit" means, if we knew what the work was...   Wink

Oh, like They'll tell you that before you figure it out. Tongue

I was once given a choice, actually: Do these things in order to be a fit devotee, or don't.  The impression I got was something like, "I'll love you either way, kid, but one way you'll actually be useful."  And this being Set, and He being a major influence on me in general, I think He pretty much knew that putting it that way meant that I would be psychologically compelled to go bang my head against the challenge ....
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« Reply #14: April 29, 2007, 09:36:36 am »

And thanks for the hugs, too.  I really am over the dark time.  I've never been that far down, and hope to never be again.



Moon Ivy, sorry to hear you have been so sad and am relieved that you are feeling better. I've never been to that place you are talking about but I imagine it was terribly dark.

I realize that I'm a little late here but I just wanted to say that in my few interactions here with you, I can tell that you go out of your way for people and when you say you are involved, you really are involved.

 Reading your first post actually made me think of my mother, not that its the same situation, it just made me remember that she went through a depression when she was the age you are now. Years of being taken for granted at work and at home had taken their toll. She didn't really say anything about it at the time, but she cried and yelled alot. I don't know if she was suicidal. It wasn't until years later when I had my own home and kids to look after that I understood the feeling of giving yourself and wanting to give, and never have your loved ones give it given a second thought, let alone say thankyou.

I tell her now, as often as I can, that I love her and realize and appreciate all her efforts then and now. I really wish I could have reassured her when she needed it but I was a pre-occupied teenager.   

but ...back to you  Smiley
I hear you say that you aren't sure if you are fit.  It seems being active in social justice and making real, tangible changes for people is important for You and Brighid. I know you will be given that opportunity again.
Purely selfish  on my part, but if you hadn't taken leave of your real world job, you probably wouldn't have had as much time to work on your spiritual self and participate here. I'm thankful for the work you are doing here at TC.  You have really helped me get on with some things that need to happen. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you really are an inspiration.

I am truly glad things are looking up.
« Last Edit: April 29, 2007, 09:39:22 am by Sparrow, Reason: spelling » Logged

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