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Author Topic: Worthy-ness, Spiritual Crisis, and a Kick in the Ass  (Read 14219 times)
Finn
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« Reply #15: April 29, 2007, 11:23:06 am »

Thanks for the reassurances.  It still seems kinda unreal, although I've been through today as if a huge weight has lifted from my shoulders.  Very tired, and hoping for a night of actual sleep instead of flower-power insomnia, but basically fine.

The best thing about the Cauldron is being able to hear about the similar experiences that others have had.  So, yeah, maybe I'm nuts, but you're all nuts too, so it's OK.  Seriously, it's really, really comforting.
And thanks for the hugs, too.  I really am over the dark time.  I've never been that far down, and hope to never be again.

I'm sorry if I've been coming across as needy -- or even just wanty.  I had a really strong compulsion to post about this whole string of events.  I don't know if it was for my benefit, or maybe for someone else's.  Or both.  Regardless, I do appreciate the support you've given me.

I'm chiming in a little late here, but as so many have said before, you are an inspiration to a good many of us here, and especially to me.  To share your struggles is very personal and puts you in a vulnerable place, I'm sure, but... I'm glad you've shared.  We really are a community here, and we can struggle together.  I am so sorry to hear you've been so down.  I've been there, and like you, a certain Lady pulled me out.

I've recently been reading Richard Dawkins' book The God Delusion, which (among other things) dismisses the reality and validity of experiences like these, where people truly feel that someone has saved their life, and that someone is "calling them" to do their work.  This is probably the reason why I'll never be an atheist, because the evidence for such powerful experiences is... overwhelming.

On being unfit--I struggle with this daily.  It is probably the single most destructive... complex (if that's the word) in my life right now.  As an art student, I constantly ask myself whether I am "good enough" or "worthy" at all in a physical sense--that is, good enough to measure up to the talent of my peers.  I've never had a great deal of self-confidence, and am constantly wondering why I'm in art school in the first place. 

But in a spiritual sense, I am growing more and more confident, thanks to Brigid's arse-kicking.  I know that what I do (create art) is for Her, and only in a tangential sense for me.  It would seem that your work (creating change in social justice) is as much Her work--perhaps even more so.  She'll have Her work done in whatever way she can--so you'll get there!  It seems as though your confidence is building already, so rest assured--you are most definitely worthy, and most definitely fit.  I'm sure of it.

More hugs, if you still want them--hang in there!
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« Reply #16: April 29, 2007, 01:42:21 pm »

I'm chiming in a little late here, but as so many have said before, you are an inspiration to a good many of us here, and especially to me.  To share your struggles is very personal and puts you in a vulnerable place, I'm sure, but... I'm glad you've shared.  We really are a community here, and we can struggle together.  I am so sorry to hear you've been so down.  I've been there, and like you, a certain Lady pulled me out.
*snip
More hugs, if you still want them--hang in there!

I realize that I'm a little late here but I just wanted to say that in my few interactions here with you, I can tell that you go out of your way for people and when you say you are involved, you really are involved.
*snip
I hear you say that you aren't sure if you are fit.  It seems being active in social justice and making real, tangible changes for people is important for You and Brighid. I know you will be given that opportunity again.
Purely selfish  on my part, but if you hadn't taken leave of your real world job, you probably wouldn't have had as much time to work on your spiritual self and participate here. I'm thankful for the work you are doing here at TC.  You have really helped me get on with some things that need to happen. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you really are an inspiration.

Sparrow and Finn,

You're not late; you're right on time.

I woke up this morning with that sneaky sense of resentment creeping back in.  It's my daughter's birthday today, and I've spent a lot of time making sure everything is perfect for her today.  So, instead of waking up full of happy birthday thoughts, I woke up full of envy, damn it.

But I was smart and made time to come to TC and read and found your very uplifting messages.  And the nasties are melting away again. 

Yes, it does feel very vulnerable to put this stuff out there.  But it also feels like a way to grow.  And, I think, right now, it's grow or die.  Maybe even literally.

The hell with Richard Dawkins.   Tongue

Big hugs right back at ya.
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« Reply #17: April 29, 2007, 02:00:15 pm »

Big hugs right back at ya.
Late also but hugs from me too Smiley
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« Reply #18: April 29, 2007, 02:24:39 pm »

Over the last few weeks, I've publicly played out here on TC's boards what has turned out to be a rather dramatic personal spiritual epiphany.  This is kind of strange for me, since I don't talk about anything like this IRL.  Even my husband has no clue about this stuff.  Unless he's reading without telling me, which is possible of course.

Anyway, since I started this as a public process, and since the comments and insight of so many Cauldronites have been so incredibly helpful and supportive, I figured I might as well go ahead and post this next chapter.

OK, well.  I've spent the past week in a major depression.  Some of you who have been in chats with me have had the "joy" of hearing me rant about this.  I lost my job a few months ago because of an organizational restructuring and have not yet found another one.  This followed right on the heels of a hysterectomy that was optional, in the sense that I chose to do it to alleviate severe pain, rather than because of a life-threatening situation, but was nevertheless bound up with issues of loss and grieving.  So, the last six months or so have been really hard on me.

A few weeks ago, as many of you have read in other threads, I had an experience that prompted me to acknowledge my dedication to Brighid, which has been very powerful.  I've written enough about that already, so I won't rehash it here, except to say that the episode in which I felt she directly communicated with me was very unexpected, unusual, and powerful.

Unfortunately, for the last week, I've...well...sort of lost myself.  It was triggered by my birthday, which was last Saturday.  My family neglected to celebrate it in any way.  Normally, I would have been hurt, but able to let it go.  But because I'm so depressed about the job stuff, etc., it just sent me into a downward spiral.  I felt worthless, useless, unloved, unwanted.  I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, but couldn't seem to get out of bed, cried all the time.  I was a mess.

Every night, I'd light my candles and ask Brighid to please, please, please help me out of this and especially help me with the job situation.

During this week, I had two phone interviews.  Neither went very well.  Surprise.  I also found out this afternoon that I'm out of the running for a job I had interviewed for last week.  Overqualified.

OK.  That was the setup.

So, tonight, I felt like I was pretty much at the end of my rope.  I've been eyeing a couple of bottles of prescription pain pills that I have left over from some things, and thinking that if I combine them...

And I lit my candle for Brighid, and as I did, I said my usual, "I give myself to you" -- or something to that effect.  And then I got this overwhelming, out of the blue, huge feeling.  There were no words, it was as if it was too big for words.  But if there had been words, they would have been:  "That's nice, dear, but I have no use for you in the state you're in.  Clean up your act.  Right now, you are not worthy of me.  I have no use for you like this.  Get over it so you can do My work."

It sounds so trite, but it was...awe inspiring.

It was like a light went on inside me.  And brought ME back.

I ordered pizza.  While I was waiting, I went outside and apoologized to Brighid for screwing up so badly and for treating myself and my family so badly, and poured out a libation of beer.

I know we have a couple of threads going right now about doubt and making things up and such like.  And, yeah, maybe I made that up.  Maybe my instinct for self preservation kicked in.  But, as others have said, am I hurting anyone by believing that Brighid spoke to me and literally saved my life tonight?  No.

So, OK.

I just wanted to share this with someone.  If anyone would like to comment or share similar expeiences, I'd love to hear them.

First off, I'm not gonna repeat what the others have been saying other than this: You're part of the Cauldron family. Of course, we will be here for you whenever you need us to be.

Second, no, you didn't imagine it. I'm sure Brighid did speak to you in that manner. I've had wordless conversations with my deities, and a couple of them were the kicking my ass kinda convos. I'm not inclined to speak of too many of them here, but if you want to hear 'em, I'll tell you in Cill chat today.

Third, you're not unworthy. You just had a bad week, and of course, the job situation isn't helping. Most people would love to be overqualified, but it does have its disadvantages in a profession that's nearly full of qualified personnel. Have you considered temporarily working in a different field entirely? Maybe a change of venue is what you need.

Fourth, you're not alone. Remember that you have a forum full of people who love you and care about you. Personally, I'm gonna light a candle every night for you.

Shadowcat
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« Reply #19: April 29, 2007, 03:07:47 pm »

I just wanted to share this with someone.  If anyone would like to comment or share similar expeiences, I'd love to hear them.

First of all, *hugs*.  And thanks for sharing your process - I'll chime in and say it's been inspiring.  It's helped me look at my relationships with deities in a different way, which is always good.  (I didn't post on your "dedication" thread, but I thought about it.)  And your work in starting and maintaining the Cill has made a space for people (like me) to develop a relationship with Brighid - it's been really powerful so far.

I've definitely struggled with feeling like I'm "enough" - I especially had this problem last year related to Wepwawet's thwap.  (Which is interesting, because part of it was realizing I already did His work.)  But I still wonder if I do it well enough.  Right now though, I know that I need to be opening the way for myself and getting myself together.  So, sorta similar, although not as deep of a "low place" at all.

Hope that made sense.  I'm glad to hear you're doing better.
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« Reply #20: April 29, 2007, 06:19:09 pm »

Over the last few weeks, I've publicly played out here on TC's boards what has turned out to be a rather dramatic personal spiritual epiphany. 

Moon Ivy:

I'm sitting here picking at the knot, trying to find the end of the thread (no pun intended).

Are you familiar with Inanna's Descent into the Nether World?  It applies to everyone - if you never go down that slippery slope, you will never have the opportunity to grow out of it.  And growth brings strength and wisdom.

On a tangent - I have a theory that trigger points interfere with sleep.  Is there any way you can get to a massage therapist and have some trigger points released?  I have to do my own, but that is because I'm a therapist, and my trigger points and I are old friends. Wink  The stress you have gone through may have created some trigger points and/or hypertonic muscles that won't let you sleep.  (IMO, this is FAR more common than the medical community wants you to know.)

Keep hanging in there, my lady.  You are doing very well.  Perhaps you have found that expressing yourself in writing is cathartic in itself, regardless of the responses. Smiley
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« Reply #21: April 29, 2007, 07:04:52 pm »

Over the last few weeks, I've publicly played out here on TC's boards what has turned out to be a rather dramatic personal spiritual epiphany.  This is kind of strange for me, since I don't talk about anything like this IRL.  Even my husband has no clue about this stuff.  Unless he's reading without telling me, which is possible of course.

Anyway, since I started this as a public process, and since the comments and insight of so many Cauldronites have been so incredibly helpful and supportive, I figured I might as well go ahead and post this next chapter.

OK, well.  I've spent the past week in a major depression.  Some of you who have been in chats with me have had the "joy" of hearing me rant about this.  I lost my job a few months ago because of an organizational restructuring and have not yet found another one.  This followed right on the heels of a hysterectomy that was optional, in the sense that I chose to do it to alleviate severe pain, rather than because of a life-threatening situation, but was nevertheless bound up with issues of loss and grieving.  So, the last six months or so have been really hard on me.

A few weeks ago, as many of you have read in other threads, I had an experience that prompted me to acknowledge my dedication to Brighid, which has been very powerful.  I've written enough about that already, so I won't rehash it here, except to say that the episode in which I felt she directly communicated with me was very unexpected, unusual, and powerful.

Unfortunately, for the last week, I've...well...sort of lost myself.  It was triggered by my birthday, which was last Saturday.  My family neglected to celebrate it in any way.  Normally, I would have been hurt, but able to let it go.  But because I'm so depressed about the job stuff, etc., it just sent me into a downward spiral.  I felt worthless, useless, unloved, unwanted.  I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, but couldn't seem to get out of bed, cried all the time.  I was a mess.

Every night, I'd light my candles and ask Brighid to please, please, please help me out of this and especially help me with the job situation.

During this week, I had two phone interviews.  Neither went very well.  Surprise.  I also found out this afternoon that I'm out of the running for a job I had interviewed for last week.  Overqualified.

OK.  That was the setup.

So, tonight, I felt like I was pretty much at the end of my rope.  I've been eyeing a couple of bottles of prescription pain pills that I have left over from some things, and thinking that if I combine them...

And I lit my candle for Brighid, and as I did, I said my usual, "I give myself to you" -- or something to that effect.  And then I got this overwhelming, out of the blue, huge feeling.  There were no words, it was as if it was too big for words.  But if there had been words, they would have been:  "That's nice, dear, but I have no use for you in the state you're in.  Clean up your act.  Right now, you are not worthy of me.  I have no use for you like this.  Get over it so you can do My work."

It sounds so trite, but it was...awe inspiring.

It was like a light went on inside me.  And brought ME back.

I ordered pizza.  While I was waiting, I went outside and apoologized to Brighid for screwing up so badly and for treating myself and my family so badly, and poured out a libation of beer.

I know we have a couple of threads going right now about doubt and making things up and such like.  And, yeah, maybe I made that up.  Maybe my instinct for self preservation kicked in.  But, as others have said, am I hurting anyone by believing that Brighid spoke to me and literally saved my life tonight?  No.

So, OK.

I just wanted to share this with someone.  If anyone would like to comment or share similar expeiences, I'd love to hear them.

I'm a little late here- I've been away from the computer all weekend so I've had some catching up to do- but I wanted to give virtual hugs (((((Moon Ivy))))) and say that I'm glad you're doing better now.

I was suicidal in 7th grade (about 9 years ago) and from time to time the feelings creep back up. We'll just say that you're not the only one She's saved, and I got a lot closer than you did. The doctors have said it was pretty much a miracle I made it through. Open yourself to Her, get some counseling (it's been a sanity-saver for me) and take care of yourself.
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« Reply #22: April 30, 2007, 03:20:29 pm »

Moon Ivy:

I'm sitting here picking at the knot, trying to find the end of the thread (no pun intended).

Are you familiar with Inanna's Descent into the Nether World?  It applies to everyone - if you never go down that slippery slope, you will never have the opportunity to grow out of it.  And growth brings strength and wisdom.

On a tangent - I have a theory that trigger points interfere with sleep.  Is there any way you can get to a massage therapist and have some trigger points released?  I have to do my own, but that is because I'm a therapist, and my trigger points and I are old friends. Wink  The stress you have gone through may have created some trigger points and/or hypertonic muscles that won't let you sleep.  (IMO, this is FAR more common than the medical community wants you to know.)

Keep hanging in there, my lady.  You are doing very well.  Perhaps you have found that expressing yourself in writing is cathartic in itself, regardless of the responses. Smiley

Yes, I am familiar with Inanna's Descent -- but I hadn't made the connection.  Thanks for pointing that out.  I'll go reread it.

And thanks for the thought about massage therapy.  I'll look into that also.

ETA:  Too bad you're too far away.   Wink
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« Reply #23: April 30, 2007, 03:26:43 pm »


ETA:  Too bad you're too far away.   Wink
Am I the only one with a scary picture of what would happen if a bunch of us were close enough to get together in 'reality'?  Shocked
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« Reply #24: April 30, 2007, 03:34:54 pm »

And thanks for sharing your process - I'll chime in and say it's been inspiring.  It's helped me look at my relationships with deities in a different way, which is always good.  (I didn't post on your "dedication" thread, but I thought about it.)  And your work in starting and maintaining the Cill has made a space for people (like me) to develop a relationship with Brighid - it's been really powerful so far.

I really want to thank everyone who has posted or contacted me privately to say something like this.  I honestly didn't know why I was posting all this really personal stuff.  In a lot of ways it felt terribly whiny and bratty and needy.  I sort of hoped in a foggy sort of way that writing it out would be cathartic somehow, but didn't realize -- although I guess I should have, but was too wrapped up in what I was going through -- that my experiences and words might have some impact on someone else.  And, in fact, that might be their actual purpose.  Even though other people's posts have worked that way for me.

OK, so I can be dense sometimes.   Wink

So, I'm really glad it could work out that way, and I thank you for letting me know it.

I was suicidal in 7th grade (about 9 years ago) and from time to time the feelings creep back up. We'll just say that you're not the only one She's saved, and I got a lot closer than you did. The doctors have said it was pretty much a miracle I made it through.

I've also been touched by how many of my Caudron friends shared their own stories of similar struggles.  It has made me feel so much less alone to hear of how others have been through much the same thing.

As ShadowCat says, we really are a community.

Some really good things have happened to today, financially and on the job interview front.  I'm feeling much more positive, although still a bit up-and-down.  But I'm actively fighting the downs.  My ass is still a bit sore from the kicking -- that's a good reminder.   Wink
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« Reply #25: April 30, 2007, 05:00:36 pm »

Am I the only one with a scary picture of what would happen if a bunch of us were close enough to get together in 'reality'?  Shocked

*lol* I so would like that  Grin

But even with my german online-connections it's hardly possible  Sad
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(The FB button in my profile does not work, if you like go and add me: Tana Adaneth, the one with the Doom Kitty avatar Wink)

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« Reply #26: April 30, 2007, 06:27:55 pm »

ETA:  Too bad you're too far away.   Wink

That was the first thing I looked for. Wink
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« Reply #27: April 30, 2007, 06:37:20 pm »

In a lot of ways it felt terribly whiny and bratty and needy.

I didn't see any of that, just a human being in a crisis.

I'll send some positive interview vibes. Smiley
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« Reply #28: April 30, 2007, 06:45:08 pm »

That was the first thing I looked for. Wink

Me too.

Although Philly is only about a 3 hour drive from DC...

But I guess that 3 hour drive would undo all the good that the massage would have done, huh?

::sighs::   Undecided
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« Reply #29: April 30, 2007, 06:45:58 pm »

I didn't see any of that, just a human being in a crisis.

I'll send some positive interview vibes. Smiley

Thanks!!

Both of those comments are very generous.
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