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Author Topic: Worthy-ness, Spiritual Crisis, and a Kick in the Ass  (Read 14195 times)
WarHorse
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« Reply #30: May 01, 2007, 06:55:37 am »

But I guess that 3 hour drive would undo all the good that the massage would have done, huh?

::sighs::   Undecided

Not necessarily.  Can't hubby do the driving?
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Aster Breo
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« Reply #31: May 01, 2007, 02:16:50 pm »

Not necessarily.  Can't hubby do the driving?

Not at the moment -- his work schedule is insane right now.  But I think I might have found someone local.

I'm sure she's not as good as you, of course.   Wink

By the way, if you know of how to find reputable massage therapists, would you please PM or email me, in case this contact doesn't work out?

And, thanks again.  Really.
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« Reply #32: May 01, 2007, 05:59:46 pm »

Over the last few weeks, I've publicly played out here on TC's boards what has turned out to be a rather dramatic personal spiritual epiphany.  This is kind of strange for me, since I don't talk about anything like this IRL.  Even my husband has no clue about this stuff.  Unless he's reading without telling me, which is possible of course.

Anyway, since I started this as a public process, and since the comments and insight of so many Cauldronites have been so incredibly helpful and supportive, I figured I might as well go ahead and post this next chapter.

OK, well.  I've spent the past week in a major depression.  Some of you who have been in chats with me have had the "joy" of hearing me rant about this.  I lost my job a few months ago because of an organizational restructuring and have not yet found another one.  This followed right on the heels of a hysterectomy that was optional, in the sense that I chose to do it to alleviate severe pain, rather than because of a life-threatening situation, but was nevertheless bound up with issues of loss and grieving.  So, the last six months or so have been really hard on me.

A few weeks ago, as many of you have read in other threads, I had an experience that prompted me to acknowledge my dedication to Brighid, which has been very powerful.  I've written enough about that already, so I won't rehash it here, except to say that the episode in which I felt she directly communicated with me was very unexpected, unusual, and powerful.

Unfortunately, for the last week, I've...well...sort of lost myself.  It was triggered by my birthday, which was last Saturday.  My family neglected to celebrate it in any way.  Normally, I would have been hurt, but able to let it go.  But because I'm so depressed about the job stuff, etc., it just sent me into a downward spiral.  I felt worthless, useless, unloved, unwanted.  I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, but couldn't seem to get out of bed, cried all the time.  I was a mess.

Every night, I'd light my candles and ask Brighid to please, please, please help me out of this and especially help me with the job situation.

During this week, I had two phone interviews.  Neither went very well.  Surprise.  I also found out this afternoon that I'm out of the running for a job I had interviewed for last week.  Overqualified.

OK.  That was the setup.

So, tonight, I felt like I was pretty much at the end of my rope.  I've been eyeing a couple of bottles of prescription pain pills that I have left over from some things, and thinking that if I combine them...

And I lit my candle for Brighid, and as I did, I said my usual, "I give myself to you" -- or something to that effect.  And then I got this overwhelming, out of the blue, huge feeling.  There were no words, it was as if it was too big for words.  But if there had been words, they would have been:  "That's nice, dear, but I have no use for you in the state you're in.  Clean up your act.  Right now, you are not worthy of me.  I have no use for you like this.  Get over it so you can do My work."

It sounds so trite, but it was...awe inspiring.

It was like a light went on inside me.  And brought ME back.

I ordered pizza.  While I was waiting, I went outside and apoologized to Brighid for screwing up so badly and for treating myself and my family so badly, and poured out a libation of beer.

I know we have a couple of threads going right now about doubt and making things up and such like.  And, yeah, maybe I made that up.  Maybe my instinct for self preservation kicked in.  But, as others have said, am I hurting anyone by believing that Brighid spoke to me and literally saved my life tonight?  No.

So, OK.

I just wanted to share this with someone.  If anyone would like to comment or share similar expeiences, I'd love to hear them.

Better late then never, eh? {{{MoonIvy}}}

Just add me to the chorus of "We Are Family" that seems to be going around lately. I think it's wonderful that we can be 'here' for each other, whenver one of us needs it.
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« Reply #33: May 01, 2007, 06:54:59 pm »

Over the last few weeks, I've publicly played out here on TC's boards what has turned out to be a rather dramatic personal spiritual epiphany.  This is kind of strange for me, since I don't talk about anything like this IRL.  Even my husband has no clue about this stuff.  Unless he's reading without telling me, which is possible of course.

Anyway, since I started this as a public process, and since the comments and insight of so many Cauldronites have been so incredibly helpful and supportive, I figured I might as well go ahead and post this next chapter.

OK, well.  I've spent the past week in a major depression.  Some of you who have been in chats with me have had the "joy" of hearing me rant about this.  I lost my job a few months ago because of an organizational restructuring and have not yet found another one.  This followed right on the heels of a hysterectomy that was optional, in the sense that I chose to do it to alleviate severe pain, rather than because of a life-threatening situation, but was nevertheless bound up with issues of loss and grieving.  So, the last six months or so have been really hard on me.

A few weeks ago, as many of you have read in other threads, I had an experience that prompted me to acknowledge my dedication to Brighid, which has been very powerful.  I've written enough about that already, so I won't rehash it here, except to say that the episode in which I felt she directly communicated with me was very unexpected, unusual, and powerful.

Unfortunately, for the last week, I've...well...sort of lost myself.  It was triggered by my birthday, which was last Saturday.  My family neglected to celebrate it in any way.  Normally, I would have been hurt, but able to let it go.  But because I'm so depressed about the job stuff, etc., it just sent me into a downward spiral.  I felt worthless, useless, unloved, unwanted.  I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, but couldn't seem to get out of bed, cried all the time.  I was a mess.

Every night, I'd light my candles and ask Brighid to please, please, please help me out of this and especially help me with the job situation.

During this week, I had two phone interviews.  Neither went very well.  Surprise.  I also found out this afternoon that I'm out of the running for a job I had interviewed for last week.  Overqualified.

OK.  That was the setup.

So, tonight, I felt like I was pretty much at the end of my rope.  I've been eyeing a couple of bottles of prescription pain pills that I have left over from some things, and thinking that if I combine them...

And I lit my candle for Brighid, and as I did, I said my usual, "I give myself to you" -- or something to that effect.  And then I got this overwhelming, out of the blue, huge feeling.  There were no words, it was as if it was too big for words.  But if there had been words, they would have been:  "That's nice, dear, but I have no use for you in the state you're in.  Clean up your act.  Right now, you are not worthy of me.  I have no use for you like this.  Get over it so you can do My work."

It sounds so trite, but it was...awe inspiring.

It was like a light went on inside me.  And brought ME back.

I ordered pizza.  While I was waiting, I went outside and apoologized to Brighid for screwing up so badly and for treating myself and my family so badly, and poured out a libation of beer.

I know we have a couple of threads going right now about doubt and making things up and such like.  And, yeah, maybe I made that up.  Maybe my instinct for self preservation kicked in.  But, as others have said, am I hurting anyone by believing that Brighid spoke to me and literally saved my life tonight?  No.

So, OK.

I just wanted to share this with someone.  If anyone would like to comment or share similar expeiences, I'd love to hear them.

Wow, how did i miss ths post earlier??

Honey, you made me cry.  I see that you are starting to feel better so I'll spare you the "it'll be ok" bit and just send you a hug. 

I think that Brighid often speaks to me only when I'm A. being really stupid B. in a major crisis or C. completely lost.  Sometimes I wonder if she's mistaken about thinking I'm good to be left on auto pilot so often.  But eventually, when I need it the most, her lightbulb will come on and straighten me out so that I felt like I just got a kick in the "use your brain, I'm right here" pants.

I think I'm going to use the last bit of our group flame keeping session to say some prayers for you, hon.  Let us know if you need anything.  As you can see, there's quite a few of us here for you when you need an ear.
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Guen  ~:)
WarHorse
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« Reply #34: May 01, 2007, 07:20:43 pm »

Not at the moment -- his work schedule is insane right now.  But I think I might have found someone local.

I'm sure she's not as good as you, of course.   Wink

One never knows!  You might be surprised.

Quote
By the way, if you know of how to find reputable massage therapists, would you please PM or email me, in case this contact doesn't work out?

And, thanks again.  Really.

I'll put it here, as it is good for everyone.

http://massagetherapy.com/find/index.php

In your case, use the drop-down menu to select "Trigger Point Therapy."  Be warned - after a session of intense therapy, you might encounter a healing crisis, and be ill (usually flu-like symptoms) for a day or two.  But you will also experience freedom of movement you haven't had in years. Smiley

On the other hand, if hubby's work load is insane, maybe he could use some therapy too. Wink  Considering the driving distance, if you buy me lunch we'll call it even.  Grin  Just an idea.
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Aster Breo
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« Reply #35: May 01, 2007, 10:55:11 pm »

Better late then never, eh? {{{MoonIvy}}}

Definitely!  It's been a rollercoaster, and last night was a that big dip in the tracks.  But somehow, I could feel those TC hugs coming through, and they gave me some extra strength I needed right then.

At one point, I was imagining how embarrassed I'd be if my husband had to log on and post to tell you all that I'd hurt myself.  How disappointed in me you'd all be.  It's silly and stupid, but that helped somehow.   Embarrassed

I think I'm going to use the last bit of our group flame keeping session to say some prayers for you, hon. 

And today has been so much better.  I think the prayers are helping.   Smiley

Thanks.
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RandallS
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« Reply #36: May 01, 2007, 11:00:06 pm »

At one point, I was imagining how embarrassed I'd be if my husband had to log on and post to tell you all that I'd hurt myself.  How disappointed in me you'd all be. 

You're right. We would be disappointed. Hang in there and remember that we care when you feel down.
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Aster Breo
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« Reply #37: May 01, 2007, 11:03:48 pm »

On the other hand, if hubby's work load is insane, maybe he could use some therapy too. Wink  Considering the driving distance, if you buy me lunch we'll call it even.  Grin  Just an idea.

I found a massage therapist!  And, oddly enough, she's someone I've known for a while as a passing acquaintance, but had no idea she was a massage therapist.  I have an appointment for tomorrow morning.

It's weird, but I feel really guilty about the whole idea of massage therapy.  I think it's because massage therapy feels so damn good that it's hard to justify it as being sound medical treatment for something like depression and stress -- if that makes sense... I understand that it *is* sound treatment, but I also know I'm really going to enjoy it, which just seems so wrong.

Anyway, if this therapist doesn't work out, I'm taking you up on your offer.  Lunch AND dinner will be on me.  And I'll just take the train home so I don't undo all that hard work.   Wink

Thanks again for the suggestions.  I don't think I would have thought of it myself.
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« Reply #38: May 01, 2007, 11:05:00 pm »

You're right. We would be disappointed. Hang in there and remember that we care when you feel down.

Thanks, Randall.  I definitely don't want you all pissed off at me. 

Well, not for something that stupid, anyway.  Cheesy
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« Reply #39: May 02, 2007, 01:38:21 am »

It's weird, but I feel really guilty about the whole idea of massage therapy.  I think it's because massage therapy feels so damn good that it's hard to justify it as being sound medical treatment for something like depression and stress -- if that makes sense... I understand that it *is* sound treatment, but I also know I'm really going to enjoy it, which just seems so wrong.

Oh, don't hold back. I just went to a session after 2 years of being away from it and I burst into tears when my guy hit a bundle of nerves in my shoulder. Okay, so maybe part of it was that it hurt so frelling much, but a lot of it was a powerful emotional release. I tend to carry the world on my shoulder... Embarrassed
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« Reply #40: May 02, 2007, 04:40:32 am »

Since then I never again wore an amulet in the way of depending on it to do something for me.

::nod::  That is when I came to realize the real power comes within...

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« Reply #41: May 02, 2007, 04:51:46 am »

Thanks, Randall.  I definitely don't want you all pissed off at me. 

Well, not for something that stupid, anyway.  Cheesy

Yeah, we can be scary when pissed off. ::grin::

At least I know that Randall and I can be....

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« Reply #42: May 02, 2007, 06:42:32 am »

I found a massage therapist!  And, oddly enough, she's someone I've known for a while as a passing acquaintance, but had no idea she was a massage therapist.  I have an appointment for tomorrow morning.

It's weird, but I feel really guilty about the whole idea of massage therapy.  I think it's because massage therapy feels so damn good that it's hard to justify it as being sound medical treatment for something like depression and stress -- if that makes sense... I understand that it *is* sound treatment, but I also know I'm really going to enjoy it, which just seems so wrong.

Anyway, if this therapist doesn't work out, I'm taking you up on your offer.  Lunch AND dinner will be on me.  And I'll just take the train home so I don't undo all that hard work.   Wink

Thanks again for the suggestions.  I don't think I would have thought of it myself.

Let us know how it goes.

And it isn't always warm & fuzzy - as Adoratrix posted, there is "therapeutic pain." Wink
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« Reply #43: May 04, 2007, 01:34:00 am »

It's weird, but I feel really guilty about the whole idea of massage therapy.  I think it's because massage therapy feels so damn good that it's hard to justify it as being sound medical treatment for something like depression and stress -- if that makes sense... I understand that it *is* sound treatment, but I also know I'm really going to enjoy it, which just seems so wrong.
Is this a manifestation of the "anything good for you is unpleasant" myth, or of your personal sense of undeservingness?  Or, possibly, coming from some other root.  I want to kick your guilt's butt, but I need to be able to identify that butt.

Sunflower
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« Reply #44: May 04, 2007, 04:17:41 pm »

Is this a manifestation of the "anything good for you is unpleasant" myth, or of your personal sense of undeservingness?  Or, possibly, coming from some other root.  I want to kick your guilt's butt, but I need to be able to identify that butt.

Sunflower

Hmmmm.  Good question.  I think it's probably that tired old chestnut about how if it feels good it can't possibly be good FOR you.  Stupid, I know.

By the way, my guilt is trembling in fear of you.   Wink
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