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With the recent embrace of the Qabbalah by celebrities such as Madonna, it became an object of much speculation as to what would become the latest celebrity fad. Sorry, I meant "interest," according to our lawyers. Qabbalah, of course, is a Jewish mystic tradition that is focused upon personal purification in order to become closer to God. A variant form of Qabbalah is involved in Western hermetic tradition, and has many of the same aims, although it is rather less faith specific. When asked to explain more on this, Madonna, who recently appeared as a cameo role in the Bond film Die Another Day commented "huh?" A large gay following also became interested in Qabbalah. Far be it for the author to comment that if Madonna leaped into a pit full of hungry savage wolves, she would be soon followed by a large number of gay men. One of these new followers commented to the reporter "Hey, it's great. It's not like Christianity, which abuses it's followers. Instead, we pay the head of our local Order £200 a month to pay for all the equipment and stuff, and he teaches us all 'enlightened sex' one on one." A member of another "Order of Enlightenment" many of which sprang up overnight once Madonna made her announcement, said to me "It's amazing what misconceptions people have about the Qabbalah. You know one guy actually told me that we have to thank some dude called Aleister Crowley for the shape of the current occult movement. I was like, 'hellooo, haven't you heard of Madonna?!?'" Astounding. However, Qabbalah has been in the public eye for nearly two days, and cannot be expected to capture the fickle spiritual interests of the (emotionally retarded) public for long. Avril Lavigne, in an attempt to show how authentically counter culture she is (don't you know that she wears a tie with casual clothes?) is championing chaos magick as the next Big Occult Thing. "It's a really cool religion," she recently squeaked in a public announcement. Later that day she announced "whoops, I meant it's like an occult tradition. Thanks Mike," she added, giving a thumbs up to a man hiding behind a stage curtain. In interviews she has said "It's all about...um...wait, I'll get it in a minute. But like, you get to wear cool stuff, and you draw weird squiggly stuff. No one will tell me why yet. They said something about it being like giving a gun to a school girl in puberty. I have a gun you know." Upon being nudged slightly, she recalled her train of thought. "Oh yeah, there's some Arab guy who said something cool about everything being permitted. Isn't that great? That's the kind of attitude we need today, when everyone disses you for wearing baggy clothes and stuff." The reporter refrained from pointing out that she was "dissed" for being a sell out who wouldn't know punk if it bit her on her scrawny arse. She went on to say "of course, people don't really understand what chaos is about. It isn't this big nasty thing that just destroys everything. It's a creative force, and it was worshipped by everyone back in the days when women ruled the place and, whoa, sorry, someone gave me Silver RavenWolf's script. Jesus, what do I pay these guys?" The reporter heard following comments from "Chaotes" - practitioners of Chaos Magick - following the press release and interviews. "Oh shit, Avril Lavigne?" said one, "I think I'd have rather have had Madonna." Another commented "well thank deity of today that no one actually taught her anything." One was heard to sarcastically say "thank goodness we have celebrities to bring public attention to our sincerely held beliefs. I don't know how I'd get through the week without giving answers to another moron who doesn't want to be told harsh truths." Joe Handerson, a man living in San Francisco who has recently become involved in Qabbalah replied "You are sooo right!" Important: If this page annoys and upsets you, please carefully read this page before complaining to the webmaster. |
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