The Charge of the Gawdess

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This was originally sent out on the PODS network from Hypatia ...

The Charge of the Gawdess
as requested bah that vile heathen, Dahk-stah
also known as Brothah Jimmy Bolick
who incorriged th' incorrigible
that wanton wench huh'self
Hah-patia
to wraht this her Charge in huh best Suthun-Baptist
flamin' fundamentalist style
so's that Ellen Reed would have sumthin' t'give
huh obnoxious & arrygant neighbuh
sumthin' t'think about th' next tahm he
tried t'save huh evuh-lovin' heathen soul!
PRAISE DAH-ANNA!!!!!

Praise GAWDESS! Listen to th' words of the Great Mothah, Ah say th' ONE GREAT MAMA OF THEM ALL, this MOTHAH who was of OLD called amonst men Ah-sis, Arty-muss, As-Tarty, Dione Warwick, Melly-sine, Afro-dee-tay, Diana Ross, Aryan-Rod, an' bah many othuh, Ah tell yew, brothahs an' sistahs, MANY othah names!

Ah say to yew, Ah tell yew straight from mah evuh-lovin' Pagan heart, whenevuh yew have need of anythin' once in th' month, but better in be when th' Moon is filled up or new, then SHAY-ULL ye assemble in some SECRET place, an' thou SHALT adore me, Queen of All Wicheries. An' there SHAY-ULL ye assemble, oh mah brothahs an' sistahs of th' Pagan path, ye who ain't yet won mah deepest secrets an' who want to learn awll Man magick tricks, PRAISE DAH-ANNA!!! To these shay-ull Ah teach that which yew ain't discovered yet.

Yew SHAY-ULL be free from awll slavery, an' as a SAGHN, a holy SAGHN from th' GAWDESS herself, ye shay-ull be NAKED in your rites, yew shay-ull CAST OFF THOSE clothes which are an ABOMINATION to the GAWDESS, for SHE SHAY-ULL NOT BE MOCKED, an' she SHAY-ULL KNOW whether thou hidest beahnd a loincloth or not! She shay-ull KNOW if yew hidest behahnd your Maidenforms or not! Yew SHAY-ULL sing, feast, make music, love, slam-dance in th' mosh pit, an' crank up thy electric guitar to top decibel, for th' Lady thy GAWDESS thus DECREES it, for Ah WANT YEW TO HAVE A GOOD TAHM!!! Yew shay-ull do these thangs AWLL in Mah presence, for MINE is th' ectasy of th' spirit, an' MINE is also JOY upon earth, BLESSED BE!! PRAISE DAH-ANNA!!!

(Various cries of "PRAISE DAH-ANNA!" from the audience and a few scattered "So mote it be's" as some audience members, overcome with emotion, fall down and draw down the moon)

Ah SAY to yew, awll ye PAGANS an' WITCHES an' MYSTICTS an' OCCULTISTS an' NEW AGERS an' TRANCE CHANNELERS an' ALIEN ABDUCTEES an' CRYSTAL HEALERS an' HERBALISTS an ELVIS INCARNATORS, mah LAW is LOVE unto awll BEIN'S! (an' that includes those really ugley creepy-crawly six-legged bgu-eyed thingamajigs that crawl out of yer air mattress an' tent when yew pull them out of th' attic every spring!) MINE is th' SECRET that opens up th' evuh-lovin' DOOR OF YOUTH, an' MINE is th' CUP of th' WAHN of LAHF, th' CAULDRON of Carry-dwin, which Ah tell yew is th' HOLY GRAIL OF IMMORTALITY!

Ah am th' Gracious Gawdess who hath given th' gift of youth unto th' heart of awll mankind, an' yew won't even have to but that expensive Oil of Olay stuff to attain it! Ah give KNOWLEDE of th' SPIRIT ETERNAL, an' beyond DEATH, ah give peace & freedom & reuniion with those who have gone before, an' Ah do tell yew, in DEATH, Ah shay-ull even give yew a reliable postal service that delivers th' mail on tahm an' supermarkets where yew shay-ull NOT have to stand in LAHN!! Nor do Ah deman aught of sacrifice, for beHOLD, Ah am th' MOTHAH of AWLL BEIN'S, an' mah LOVE is poured out upon th' EARTH!

Ah say, rais UP, awll yew Pagans, an' HEAR ye th' words of th' Star Gawdess.

She, in th' DUST of whose feet are th' HOST of HEAVEN, whose body encircles this her Universe!

Ah am th' BEAUTY of th' GREEN EARTH, an' th' WHAHT MOON among th' stars an' the mystery of th' WATERS. Ah CALL unto your soul, brothahs and sistahs of th' Craft! Ah call, Arise an' come UNTO me. For Ah am th' SOUL OF NATURE who give LAHF to this here UNIVERSE, for from me AWLL things proceed an' unto Me awll things RETURN! Let me repeat that once more, brothahs an' sistahs, so there be NO MISTAKE what Ah mean! Yew awll come from th' Gawdess, an' to Me yew shay-ull return!

Beloved of awll th' gawds an' men, le MAH worship be in your heart. Rejoice, Craft brethren, for beHOLD, awll acts of love an' pleasure are mah rituals, which means Go Foth An' Get Laid!!!

Ah don't care HOW yew do it, whethah yew do it with yo' WIFE or WIVES, or yp' HUSBAND or HUSBANDS, or your BOYFRIEND or GIRLFRIENDS, or whethah yew favuh yo' OWN GENDAH or not, Ah DO NOT CARE how yew do it, Ah do not even care if yew do it with yo' eggbeatah or blendah, awll Ah ask is that yew BE RESPONSIBLE an' not hurt anyone in th' process, and don't fuh-get to wrap yo' willie, fo' Do What Thou Wilt shay-ull be th' whole of th' law, an' those who DO NOT KEEP MAH LAW shay-ull be REINCARNATED until they get it RAGHT!

Therefore, let there be BEAUTY an' STRENGHT--POWER an' COMPASSION--HONAH an' HUMILITY--MIRTH an' REV'RUNCE within yew. An' yew who think to seek me, know that your seekin' an' yearnin' will NOT AVAIL YEW, unless yew KNOW TH' MYSTERY, that if THAT WHICH YEW SEEK yew fahnd not with yo'self, yew will NEVAH fahnd it WITHOUT! For beHOLD, Ah have been with yew from th' BEGINNIN', an' Ah am THAT which is attained at th' END OF TH' DESIRE!

So Mote It Be!!!!!!

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